I don't want to know.

For once, I actually do not want to know my marks. I know I pretty much failed the exam for ANA301, the midterm I wrote last Friday.

I know if I look at it and I see that failing mark, I'm going to think either:
1. SHIT. I have to do REALLY REALLY REALLY well in all my exams to make up for it.
2. Damn. What's the point? Doesn't matter if I study or not, results are still going to be crap.

The first one will just put pressure on me and the second one is just going to de-motivate the very little motivation that I still have left in me. So. I just don't want to know.

I have so much shit to do. I don't know how I got myself into all these extra-curriculars. But I think it's all these extra-curriculars that make me feel like my whole year didn't go to waste and I actually accomplished something.

Anyways, I'm at Robarts right now, just about to leave but I have to say that the guy behind me really stinks. I'm pretty tolerant of people's body odour but this one is really bad. Every time he moves, his scent just gushes over to my side and the smell rushes up my nose. UGH...

Two more exams. I don't have to win, but I can't lose.

Untitled

Stephanie says (8:11 PM):
oh
it's okay
anywayz do you want the pictures? if you do there's this thing called dropbox
Sherry says (8:12 PM):
DUDE
LMAO
this is like
the 5th time
u've mentioned dropbox
now tell me what it actually doe
does*
Stephanie says (8:13 PM):
LMFAO
OKAY
LISTEN UP!!!
i explained it in the emialr eady!!!
but what it is
Sherry says (8:13 PM):
LOL
Stephanie says (8:13 PM):
it's like this BOX
like a folder
Sherry says (8:13 PM):
ok
Stephanie says (8:13 PM):
that you can oput on your computer
Sherry says (8:13 PM):
wait
like a literal box
lol

YES SHERRY CHEN! BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IT'S SO POSSIBLE TO JUST TAKE A BOX AND PUSH IT INTO YOUR COMPUTER. Sigh... I don't even have a title for this post because I don't even know what to call this...

York, can sometimes kick ass.

So I'm writing up my last, VERY VERY VERY research talk. A professor from York University came over to University of Toronto to do a lecture on the brain and it was SO AMAZING.

I love how I understood every word she said and she defined all the terms and used all these analogies and she incorporated the audience into the lecture. It was SO GOOD. Like after the lecture, which I had to only listen ONCE through, no repeats whatsoever, I learned so much. Unlike UofT lectures, where I would have to listen to the lectures over and over again and still be like WTF?!

Things like this just make me want to just run over to York and be like, "PLEASEEEEEE TAKE ME IN!!!!!" And sometimes it's not even about the marks anymore, it's just the feeling of ACTUALLY learning and RETAINING something. What's the point of trying to memorize all this crap just to forget it SECONDS after the exam. SO 辛苦.

I am so upset right now.

I've never really cared much for money or prestige. However, I also won't not find it offensive if you happen to think that I am a materialistic person or that I like brand-name items.

If you buy me something really expensive because you think I'll like it, I wouldn't really care. I mean, you THOUGHT about it. If you buy me something really expensive because you know GENERALLY people like it and you ASSUME that I will like it, I wouldn't really care either, I mean, you THOUGHT about that too. For the longest time, the cliche phrase, "it's the thought that counts" has never meant anything more to me than a cliche phrase. It wasn't until today when my brother got me my birthday gift that I realized that it has a much stronger significance to me. Not only did he spend more money than he should've, he bought something that I did not want at all.

Small thing. But to me, big thing. Earphones. I go through earphones like paper, which is exactly why I don't buy expensive earphones. I buy really cheap ones because I know they'll probably break 3-4 months later. It's like... a peeve of mine. I just don't like expensive earphones because I think it's such a waste of money since they have the same lifespan as cheap ones, for me anyway.

JUST this morning, my brother asked me if I wanted any earphones because he was going to order some online for himself. I said, "No. I don't use expensive earphones. I only like using cheap ones."

Later, he went out with his girlfriend, I don't know why. And just now he came home with expensive earphones and he said, "Elaine and I thought about it and decided to get you earphones." No card. No bag. Just a box of earphones.

I might sound so stuck up and bitchy but honestly, this year for his birthday, I spent so much time writing a note for him. And I tried to surprise him with it. I put so much thought into getting him something he might actually like. And what? In the end, not only did he waste his money, but he wasted it on something that I've told him so many times that I DON'T want.

What pisses me off is that he doesn't even care. I mean, sure you have a girlfriend, who you can spend hundreds of dollars on, but you can't spend 2 seconds to think about something that I might ACTUALLY like. Heck, I'd be more happy if he went to the dollar store and got me a pair of dollar earphones, at least they'd be something I would use.

HONESTLY. SO ANGRY. I seriously felt like he just went out with his girlfriend and since he didn't want to waste time buying a gift for me, he just went into a store and randomly picked something up. Ugh...

I guess now I know, "It's the thought that counts" actually means something to me.

I'm not afraid to fail.

I think last year and this year has proven to me that I can fail even if I try not to. In high school, I always thought that I would have to TRY to fail but of course, that was high school, not the real world.

Sherry told me that she wants to work to live whereas I would want to live to work. And for the longest time I agreed with what she said because I really want a job that I like and actually be able to wake up every morning and say, "Yay! Work!" LOL. But for Sherry, she would OBVIOUSLY prefer a job that she'll enjoy but at the end of the day, she just wants a job that can put food on the table.

But now that I think about it, I think I actually want to work to live not live to work. Even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a job that I'll enjoy, I think I put a lot of things ahead of career. My family, friends, happiness, seeing the world, experiencing new things... Sometimes I feel like I won't be able to get all of that if I'm so dedicated to my job or my work.

University of Toronto has changed my perception to EVERYTHING. And I guess in some way for the better. I want to do well, I will still aim for that 4.0 every year, but along the way, I want to make friends, be a good friend, experience things and just really live.

I remember first year, I SERIOUSLY considered just throwing myself in front of a bus because I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like such a useless person. I wasn't suffering from depression, I was just stressed. But marks and a high GPA does not define who I am as a person. Marks get you really far in life, without them, you would probably be closing a lot of doors. However, I'd rather be self-fulfilled and happy with limited opportunities than to be a person with a high GPA with a lot of greatness ahead of me but just be a completely empty person.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I would like to live comfortably without having to worry about my bills or if I can get my kids to university, but I don't need all the money in the world. And if I did have a lot of money in the world, I'd probably end up giving so much of it away to friends, family and charity.

I remember this one time, the jackpot was $20 million for 6/49, and a friend asked me what I would do with that money if I won. Honestly, I would probably give away $1 million to each of my close friends because I think I only have about 5-6 close friends. I would donate $6-7 million to charity. And most people would think, "OH MY GOD, you're giving it all away!"

No. I would still have around $9 million or so. I would keep $2 million and give the rest to my mom. And maybe give something to my brother, lol, I can't forget him. As much as I rant about how much I just want to sleep for the rest of my life and do nothing, deep down, I don't want that. lol. My entire life I've been so busy and stressed, and sometimes I say things like that because I just WANT A DAMN BREAK FROM IT ALL. But after a month of nothing, I would probably want to head out to the battlefield again and stress myself out all over again. Just because I won the lottery, I would never quit my job, unless of course, I was like 50, then I might just want an early retirement.

You guys may think that I'm probably just "making this up" and if I really did win $20 million, I wouldn't be handing out money like that. Well, I'm saying this as if I were an adult and I was a doctor whose living comfortably. I mean, if I won the money NOW, I'd probably just give it all to my parents. LOL. And of course, if I were a hobo and I won that money, I'd obviously use it on myself first since I would probably not have any friends to give the money to, lol. And if I DID have friends, I would probably have borrowed so much money from them, so I would use that money to pay off my debts WITH interest. LOL. But bottom line is, I don't see why any ONE person would need $20 million. There are people out there who need it more than you do. And it's not even about fairness, the fact that someone is worst off than you and you're the one who’s masked in the luxury of the money and they're suffering, it's about humanity, helping those who NEED it more than you do, doing the RIGHT thing, being a HUMAN being who has FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and has the ability to feel SYMPATHY.

I guess I'm writing this just because I feel like the majority of the people are warped in another mindset. It would be wrong for me to say, "Just be a good person, that's all you need in life. Don't worry about your marks, don't worry about your job. Don't worry at all! Just be a good person."

You should be strong, smart and knowledgeable of the world, fight for what you believe in, love your friends and family, be happy, live your life and live it as a good person.

But of course, if everyone was like that in this world, there wouldn't be any wars or fights. And the government wouldn't need to spend millions of dollars every year on research for nuclear weapons instead of putting it towards cancer research. Ugh... can you believe we're wasting money on FINDING ways to kill each other? I think that's so ridiculous. Like pollution, chemicals, viruses, and all the radiation out there isn't enough to kill us, we need to develop more ways to a faster death.

I hope you find it.

I thought I knew you so well. I thought you and I had a connection that only you and I would understand. You love me so much more than I could ever love you. I try to love you. No, I try to love you AS MUCH as you love me but I guess, it hasn't come to time where I can understand that strength of love.

As a very important person in your life, I just wish I could give you all the happiness in the world to makeup for all the times that I hurt you, to makeup for all the times I was insufficient in loving you. I try so hard to make things easier for you but because of time and distance, I'm unable to be everything that you want me to be.

I just want to see you happy. I always thought I knew the key to your happiness, I just couldn't get it for you. But now that I can get it for you, I realized that maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, another... flaw in my love for you.

I can't bring you your happiness like the way I thought I could. I wish I could say these words to you so you would understand how this makes me feel as a person, but I'm thinking this isn't the time or the place for it.

You probably thought there is probably more to life than what is given to you, and I promise you there is more. You just have to walk out a little farther, go a little deeper into that forest and I promise you, there is more for you out there. I wish I was strong enough to hold your hand and walk out there with you, but I'm not. I thought I could go out there myself and get it for you, but it's not what you wanted. I don't know what you want.

Whatever it is you're missing in your life, whatever it is you want, whatever it is that brings a smile to your face every morning, I hope you find it. And when you find it, it's not too late to appreciate it and hold onto it for the rest of your life.

I hope you find it.

STUDYING WEEK.

April 8th 2010

2:52AM
So... nothing went according to plan. Figures. Nothing in my life goes according to plan so this is nothing new. I'm so tired at the moment. But I feel like I have to get something done or I'll feel really useless. Jen is here right now with me too. Poor her. She has an exam in like 6 hours. SIGH*
----------
April 7th 2010
-finished writing 80% of essay
----------
April 6th 2010
-summarized 3 articles for PSY299
-left at 8AM after registering for summer courses on ROSI
-showered
-came home at 10 and slept until 1
-needed to go to Robarts to finish essay
-Jen came around 7:30-ish with food
-went home to grab STUDENT CARD at 10
-came back and stayed until 4

2:26PM
I just suddenly really miss my mom. LOL. I KNOW!!! WHAT A BABY!!! I think when I feel really stressed, I just think of my mom because my brain shuts down and I can't think of anything else except for the fact that I want to go home. And when I think of home, I think of my mom and good food. LOL. I really want something good to eat. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. I think stress in general just makes me gain weight because of those crazy hormones that are released that lead to fat storage. Ugh...

My goal is to finish summarizing all the articles by 4PM, 5PM latest. Then I can spend 6 hours putting the rest together. And afterward, spend that last 30 minutes to proofread everything. I also want to finish up my last critique. I'll listen to it, take some notes and just finish it up tonight as well. My goal is probably to finish it around 2-3AM. I would probably take a break then to go grab some coffee or tea? Something to keep me up for the rest of the night to finish up listening to all my ANA301 lectures. After I'm done those, which will probably be sometime tomorrow afternoon, I'll go home to eat, shower and then sleep.

5:00PM
I JUST finished taking notes on all the articles. I have to get cracking on my essay now. But I'M HUNGRY. I sort of have a feeling that if I leave to get food, I'm going to lose my concentration.
----------
April 5th 2010
-went to Robarts library at 8PM
-Jen came at 10?
-went out to eat at 2AM-ish

I hate leaving home.

I sound like such a big cry baby. But I hate having to go back to that stupid apartment. I'm leaving tomorrow noon since I have to be down there around 4 to finish up some Science Rendezvous stuff. I'm so glad that next week I can just leave that place forever. I'm thinking that since exams start, there really is no reason for me to stay there and live with people who are such losers. I might as well just come home once exams begin and live in a nicer and friendlier environment.

This year has been so rough. I just want it to end. Some dead person once said that there were no failures in life, just experiences and your reactions to them. I'd like to agree with that but honestly, what do you mean there are no failures in life?! Getting 2/10 on my quiz is not just an experience and MY mere reaction to it, it's a COMPLETE failure on my part. LOL. Although this entire year felt like a complete EPIC failure to me, I guess I can say, in this case, it was just ONE BIG LIFE EXPERIENCE and a lesson well-taught. Lessons well-taught.

1. Never ever freaking sign contracts without thinking. NEVER. Think of the worst that can happen and IMAGINE it actually happening. And then imaging LIVING in that condition for the date specified in the contract. No matter how small the chance of it happening, you still need to consider it.

2. Not all your friends will like you. I guess I sort of always knew this. I've always categorized friends into four groups:

a. LEECHES. Friends who only want to take take take take take from you. They know you got the goods and so they just want in on some of it. They pretend to be your BEST FRIEND whenever they need something but after that, they won't even remember your name. I don't have any goodies, so I don't really attract these types of people. I'm not rich or smart or have amazing connections, so I don't really worry about meeting leeches.

b. MONKEYS. I scratch your back and you scratch mine. These are the people who use you and you use them back. It's an unspoken rule but it's very clear that you two are just "friends"... with side benefits. A real friendship is unlikely to develop but it can possibly happen. Your friendship is like a business transaction. I tend to have many of these types of friends and I don't really mind. I mean, these are the people in my lectures, I send them notes when they're sick and they send me recordings that I need. We're on friendly terms. We'll sometimes call each other up and rant to each other about how much our professors suck but other than that, that's as far as our friendship goes.

c. ANTS. Your neutral everyday friend. They are everywhere. For example, the classmate who once shared a cookie with you on her birthday, and then you two realized that you both love Pokemon. And... that's the end of it. These types of friendships are usually awkward because usually the both of you have different ideas of how close you two actually are and you never know whether or not you can ask them out for coffee or borrow their notes without looking like a poser or a user. I meet a lot of these people and they're nice to have around. These are the people that I actually treat pretty well just because it's better to have a friend than an enemy. However, they're also people I know I don't "click" with and so they only remain ants. On the exterior, I feel like they're nice, good people. However, I can't give any other sort of deeper impression of them since I don't know them that well.

d. PANDAS. Rare. Good friends. Not necessarily the ones you can ALWAYS count on but the ones you "click" with. It's hard to explain this click. They're not always the people who treat you well or the ones that actually really care about you, but they're the ones who just understand you. They may not be able to keep secrets, or give advice, or be that shoulder for you to cry on, but they get you. I'm strange and all over the place and so to find someone who gets me, I cling on and like NEVER EVER WANT TO LET THEM GO.

3. Not everyone makes it their obligation to be nice. This I had to learn the hard way. I always thought that the only reason there were nasty people out there was because 1. they were having a bad day and they weren't actually nasty or 2. they put up a facade because something bad happened to them in the past. LOL. BUTTTTTTTT. Now I know there are just nasty people out there because they were just born that way or they were just raised that way, I don't know.

4. Seek help when needed. I always thought I could handle everything myself, but that's so far from the truth. This year, I think I asked for help in every possible direction, from friends to counsellors, to lawyers, to parents. It's a good thing. You shouldn't be ashamed of it, there are people out there who do know more than you and will probably be able to give you a clear and more rational layout of the entire situation.

5. Always try. You may not succeed, you may never succeed but that's not an excuse for not trying. It's better to try and fail then to just not try at all. I think sometimes when I know I'm going to fail, I just don't try because I think, "Why bother? The results will be the same." But the process of trying and failing actually feels different from not trying at all and failing. There is a difference.

Early 20th.

I celebrated my 20th birthday today with my two very good friends. Yeah, it's a little early, but if I don't do it now, I'd have to celebrate my birthday late, and that's... a bad thing people say.

I have lost a lot of faith in friends but these two are the two people I can say will not judge me, will always be there for me, and will always be my friend. I can't say we'll actually be friends forever, but I know they're just good people in general, so it leads me to believe that they won't just pack their bags and leave. Or be the biggest bitches in the world. I mean, one of them thinks she gave birth to a penguin and the other one just doesn't think at all. So... <3. They are totally my kind of people!!! LOL. Small birthday but I had so much fun. I don't think I've eaten so much meat before!!! I was really stuffing my mouth with beef, lamb and fish. The chicken was really good, I don't know why I didn't order more of that. I didn't like the mushrooms... they were kind of random and Sherry decided to order red and green pepper which was sort of... weird. LOL. And she REFUSED to eat any sushi because it would make her full and hence she wouldn't be able to eat her money's worth of meat. LOL. What a carnivore. There was also this waiter with some crazy-ass smile. I don't think I've ever seen anyone smile like that before!!! All the muscles on his face moved when he smiled and it was such a forced smile. I can't explain it. It was just creepy. BOTH Jen and I agreed that it was creepy and we told Sherry about it and when she finally saw the smile she was like, "Oh. I like it." *headdesk*. Sometimes I wonder how we get along considering how our opinions on EVERYTHING vastly differ by ends of a spectrum. But the service at Chakos is AMAZING. Everything you order comes out so promptly, you don't have to wait at all. I love them mango pudding and ice cream. I like how they're pretty generous with their desserts because usually when you order ice cream at AYCE places, they give you this tiny teaspoon. And all the guys who work there seemed pretty nice, so I'd definitely go back to that place again. Afterward we had nothing to do so we just drove to Silvercity's parking lot and sat there and talked. Sherry also wanted to go to Shopper's and Jen needed a bathroom so we walked over to the next plaza which had both so "TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE". I was planning to drive Jen to Finch just because it was so late already but then she said Jack would come pick her up! So I made it my mission to GIVE HIM THE DIRECTIONS to get here. He's a pretty cool guy, I guess. He doesn't seem like the type to say some of the stuff to Jen's been telling us but I guess they don't have that Chinese saying for no reason, “知人口面，不知心”。I hope I typed that right. LOL. Wow. I'm glad I got to celebrate my birthday today. I needed something fun before exams man. I'll upload pictures soon =).

SO PROUD. Sorta.

Lie, cheat, steal. Whatever you call it.

Yesterday Evison asked me to pay him for the internet fees for March, in which the bill arrived, and April's as well. Of course, April's bill hasn't come yet but he wanted me to give it to him ahead of time and I don't know what I was thinking about I did it anyways.

After my shower, I thought to myself, "Why do I have to give him internet fees ahead of time?" I mean, the bill for April will come at the END of April, so my new roommate will have to handle it. If anything, I'll just split half of it with my new roommate since I'm staying until April 15.

So I just thought, "Hey, since I already paid the bill for the month of April. I should just ask my new roommate for half of it back." But then I thought, "Why do I have to do this? Protocol-ly speaking, the bill doesn't come until END of April and by then my name is off the contract, so if anything, my new roommate should be responsible for April's internet fee and I pay her back my portion of it since I'm staying until April 15th."

So I worked up the courage and went back to Evison and asked for it back. LOL. And he was like, "It's still 15 bucks. Just have the new roommate give you half of it back."

And I was like, "That's not the point. If you're going to follow everything by the books, obviously, you shouldn't be taking my money early."

And he just kept on saying, "It's just $15. It's just $15." Like WTF?!

So I said, "I already gave my portion to my new roommate. So she should pay you when the time comes." WHICH IS A LIE.

And he gave me my money back. *SMILES REALLY BRIGHTLY* I'm so proud of myself.

Did I tell you I lost 3 USB drives? Yeah, not proud of that. And on there, I probably have some very important documents!!! SIGHSIGHSIGH.

Please, God. Have someone please return it.