The *NEW* Me

I don't know how many times I've said this and I don't know how many approaches I've made to solve this problem but I've run out of time.

I'm stopping the car.

I'm not pressing pause. I'm pressing stop.

The game is now over.

The history is there but the game is fresh. I like that.

This week's goals:

+ Maintain 2 days without going over 1000 calories

+ Finish EEB321 notes and readings from last semester

+ Finish JHE351 notes and readings from last semester

+ Write up petition letter

+ Blog a pretty photograph

+ Do an hour exercise session

+ Meet up with Vera and Kitty

+ E-mail 3 music/dance groups for Science Rendezvous

Chinese New Year 2011

What am I going to do tonight? Hmm... let me see... study?

Sad. Don't you think that that's so sad. I can't even go home to have a proper dinner with my family. Next week, I have two midterms, an assignment AND a lab report due so I'm packed. I won't have time to even think about eating. I wonder how people at UT manage such a great social life and academic life altogether because I simply just don't have that kind of talent.

I sort of gave up my social life until I met this guy who I really like. I met him once, so I guess I don't "like" him, it's like those stupid high school crushes. I hate crushes, it's been so long since I've liked someone that I almost forgot how ANNOYING THE FEELING IS. No matter what I'm doing, he always manages to cross my mind. And no matter how busy I am, I always manage to sneak in 5-10 minutes of daydreaming moments with him.

I got rid of Facebook because I didn't want it to take up the rest of my life but after meeting him, I kind of feel like I'm ready to give social life a try again. I mean, everyone deserves a social life no matter what kind of dreams they have. Just because you have aspirations doesn't mean you have to give up everything good in your life to achieve it. And for me, I would sort of think that it's not worth it. Achieving my goals are very important to me but not at the cost of everything else in my life.

I'm going to give it a real go this time. I mean, I'm sort of behind in school but today and Friday are going to be my major CATCH-UP-ON-EVERYTHING days. After I catch up, I'll try to stay ON TOP of the work and then I can find time to go out and see him =).

That is... of course, IF he wants to see me. I swear he's giving me mixed signals. I sort of feel like he's just in this for the game and if that's the case, I still wouldn't mind going out with him so long as we establish the rules.

I hear this year for the Horse, it's supposed to be really good. My love and work life is absolutely amazing so long as I can keep up with the pace. If not, I can fall into the pits of Hell.

Please, I can keep up. I'm a horse. Of course, I can keep up.

What the future holds.

I don't know what the future holds. I think I've got the wrong mentality all along. I've been chasing after this dream of becoming a doctor when I should be working hard at what I have in front of me. I've never going to catch the dream if I keep tripping over my two feet. I need to balance myself. Steady my hands. Focus my eyes. And charge. I can't just keep mindlessly chasing or else I would never catch it.

I need to stop telling myself medical school because I know deep down that that dream will never leave me. I will always remember that my goal in life is to become a doctor. But there's no way I can do that if I all I think about is how I am going to get there. I have a life to live right now. It's been waiting for me and I've ignored it for way too long. I need to go back to my life. I am happy at where I am in life right now. I am happy. I may not be content, but I am happy.

I thought this entire journey of boycotting everyone and everything was so that I could find myself. I thought I was searching for a sense of identity. It wasn't until recently I realized that I know who I am, I know what I want to become, and I know where I'm going. I have a sense of identity. I've found it a long time ago and I've never lost it. Perhaps it's because I'm still perfecting myself that I feel like I don't know who I am, but I do. I am outgoing, bubbly and guarded. I am hard-working and a big fat procrastinator at the same time. I am a super crazy clean-freak. I am a little OCD that I find very much charming. I am passionate, hot-tempered, and optimistic. I can be depressed, twisted and hopeless when my hormones sway a certain way. I know who I am.

I realized that I wasn't looking for myself, but rather a place. What I've been searching for is a sense of belonging. I don't know where I belong. I know who I am but where do I fit in in this world? I want to be someone's favourite person, I want to be someone's person. I want to be the sun in someone's world. I want to change the world somehow, I want to make a dent in it so that I have marked my place on Earth to prove that I have lived. I want to be the best in something, make history and be remembered. I want to belong to a time, to a place, to a thing. I haven't found my little niche yet.

So I guess until then, I should keep working at being myself and I suppose, like tetris, I will eventually find a perfect fit for myself. What the saying? It's better to be alone than to not be and wish you were. I'm not in a rush, I've got plenty of things to do so until then, I will stop building walls. Instead, I'll build fences. Climbing fences are easier than breaking down walls.

Tuxedo Mask

I remember loving the Sailor Moon series when I was a kid. I had a huge crush on Tuxedo Mask because of the way he would randomly appear in her time of need and just rescue her. Even when I was a kid, I had a huge fetish for knights in shining armor.

You would think that such a girl like me would fall in love easily and quickly be swept off her feet, however, to my dismay, that's not the case. I'm 20 years old and I still haven't had my first boyfriend yet. I have virgin lips... sigh. When did Sailor Moon have her first kiss? 14? 16?

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, I'm desperate for love. I just want someone to love me for who I am and be there for me when I need them. I'm such an independent person and I find that that scares the guys away. Just because I'm strong and I don't cry over the fact my nail chips doesn't mean I don't need a guy to protect me.

But because of my parents and my friend's relationships with their boyfriends, I'm just absolutely terrified. Tuxedo Mask is a fairytale. No matter how bad things get, we know there's going to be a happy ending. But I watch my friends cry and beg for their boyfriends after they've been treated like crap because they're just so in love with them. I do not want to end up like that. I'm so scared to get into a relationship even though I really really want one.

Perhaps, I am capable of so much more but I'm just too scared to really chase after it in fear that I might fail. Maybe that's why I can't concentrate.

Point is, where am I going to find a guy who wants to date a girl who knows absolutely nothing about love and is absolutely terrified to get into anything? I want someone aggressive, not like bad-beat-you-up kind of aggressive, but someone who can put up with my stubborn-ness. Someone that can climb over my tower-high wall and see who I really am. Will I ever find a guy who's willing to do that? Or have I just been watching too many dramas and movies?

Right now. Love isn't the first thing on my mind but it's definitely not at the back of my mind. Every time I see a couple, I get so bitter that I can't be happy and in love just like them. I've always been single and miserable. I'm almost at the point of convincing myself that I can perfectly fine being single. I can be on my own with my friends and be happy. I don't need a guy in my life and it's a good thing that I don't have the experience because after I get my first boyfriend and I break up with him, I'm going to know how good (hopefully) it is to have a boyfriend and I won't be able to live without one.

I'm thinking too much. Aren't I? Whatever. Love hates me and I hate it back, which is probably why I'm not meant to have a boyfriend anyways.

Anyways, I don't just want any boyfriend. I have the perfect boyfriend. I want Tuxedo Mask.

Lost.

So I've come to realize that I'm not one of those people who can have everything in the world, who can be everything in the world. 

There are some girls out there who are athletic, beautiful, smart, kind and rich. I don't know how much more well-rounded you can be. I can't be that. I can't be BEAUTIFUL and SMART. Because when I study really hard, I look like a zombie the next morning. I can't be sociable and smart because I'll be too busy getting friendly with someone instead of doing work.

So I've come to the conclusion. It's okay. Not everyone can do everything. So I'm going to have to pick what I really care about and what I really want to be. I've decided, I'm going to be a doctor. 

I will. I repeat. I swear on my life at this very moment, I will become a doctor. I will work so hard like I've never worked before. I have to do this. I love singing. I love looking beautiful. I love being the centre of attention. But I NEED to be a doctor. It's my life. And if I can't be a doctor, I don't think it's ever going to be a life I want to be living. 

I am selfish like that. I want my mom to be proud of me and she's dedicated her entire life to me so the least I can do is fulfill my dream to be doctor so she can to be proud of me. I don't need friends. I don't need vanity. I don't need entertainment. I need to be a doctor and although I can't say that I will fight forever. But for the last 2 years of my undergrad, I have to fight harder so that I can at least tell myself that I TRIED my very hardest and I still failed. 

Goodbye blog. Goodbye other dreams. Goodbye other pieces of me. We will meet again I'm sure, until then, wish me luck on my battle to become the best that I can be.

Breathe.

As someone once said, "There are no failures, just experiences and your reactions to them." Some people cry a little before picking themselves back up, others talk and tell the world as a therapeutic way of releasing all the anger and pain, and a small group of people forget how to breathe. So yes, failures are just experiences but it your reactions to them can fail you.

And if all hope is lost...

We all have those days where everything just goes wrong, not like a coffee spill on your favourite shirt, but more along the lines of accidentally dropping your phone into the toilet while you're in a rush to get to the most important meeting of your life, or losing your mom's diamond ring which has been in the family for 15 generations, or having 10 bills come all at once when you've just been fired from your job. THOSE are the days I'm talking about.

Yesterday, I didn't know what happened, but when I turned on my laptop and tried to log into my user, I got an error. I couldn't access my own laptop! I have no guest or other users available, only my very own administrative account. The night before, I had just finished an assignment and sent it off to my prof. Thank goodness for that.

In a desperate attempt, I googled some feasible solution and ended up deleting my user account in order to access the computer. That meant all of my documents, lecture recordings, music and emails were completely gone. GONE. Afterwards, I tried to do damage control by searching for software to recover deleted files. No luck. All the lecture recordings that I hadn't listened to yet are completely gone. How am I going to study for this week's midterms?

I didn't do anything wrong, why is this happening to me?

So as of now, I've completely reformatted the computer, which increases my chances of never recovering anything back again, but at least it might get rid of the problem that caused all this. I still don't know WHY I wasn't able to log into my user profile today, I've never encountered that in all my years of technology problems and trust me... I've had many of them and to the oddest as well.

Lyrics:

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

I died a little inside... everything that I had worked so hard for this year is gone. I told myself that this year has GOT TO BE the year I turn everything around and succeed. I can't believe that I lost before I even started the race. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

I don't know many students in my classes, I can't just ask for recordings and notes. I don't know what to do. I'm not feeling very optimistic at the very moment. This entire laptop thing... has just fore-casted failure in a snowball-effect. How am I supposed to catch up now? How am I supposed to study for anything now? How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing that I had weeks to listen to those lecture recordings and I didn't and now they're all gone and unsalvageable?

In dreams, we win.

We all have ideas on the purpose of our lives. We all have dreams, expectations, and our own race to run. But what if that race never ends, what if you end up running in circles and the finish line is nowhere in sight. Do you stop running or keep at it? Would you spend the rest of your life running for something that’s not even there? That’s not even possible?

Optimism at it's best.

Life would've been too easy for me to just graduate just like that.

I'm way too good to be given the easy route out of this. Trust me, I may not know what I can or can't handle but God would never give me something I can't handle.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not religious but I do believe there is a higher being watching over everything. And though this higher being may not be driving the ship, it surrounds the ship as waves and winds.

I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, what's taken must be given back.

Everyone lives their life in their own way at their own pace with their own reasons. I'm not to judge.

There's always a way out. I don't believe that when a door closes another one opens or some stupid window out of nowhere just randomly pops out for you.

If life were a row of doors, some would already open for you the day you're born. They're there ready for you to walk through it in which you're faced with another set of doors... some are open and some are not. Time and choices within and beyond our control closes these doors. But did we forget that doors have the ability to be open? To be unlocked and opened again? When a door closes in life, why can't we just unlock it and open it again? Why can't we wait to see if someone can open it for us? Why MUST we walk through another door or climb into another window? I mean... if that door is so stubborn and refuses to open, then perhaps its better to move on. But why move into another home so quickly when you already had one to begin with?

I don't believe in new beginnings or happy endings. There's no fresh start. I don't believe every day is a brand new day for you to start again. What you did yesterday is still there, what you didn't do yesterday is still behind you, and what you wanted to do yesterday will always be the regret you wish you didn't taste. Karma may be a circle but life isn't. You don't go around and around... life is a line, hence the existence of timelines in history. There are no new beginnings, no way recover the damage you've done, no way to preserve the success you've accomplished. Killing someone, going to jail and finally coming out doesn't mean you have a fresh start. Your crime is on paper, in records, in memories. The circle doesn't start again, you have a past, you have history, your timeline has time done on it.

Move on and do better. You may be haunted by your past but those are consequences that you will never be able to rid. Try and you'll simply be living in another reality that doesn't exist. Second chances don't exist for you to make up for what you did, you can only do better. You're only human. I don't even think God can stop time, redo time or make up for time, so why do you even bother trying?

No one lives a perfect life without mistakes and shame. We are all guilty whether other people know the lies we've told to the world or to ourselves. You will never walk on a path that you can't handle. God may not open doors but I'm sure God doesn't build walls or dead ends.

So do what you didn't do yesterday, and though you can't make up for the fact that you didn't do it yesterday,  the fact that it's late and overdue, but at least you did it. It's written on your timeline now.

I don't believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think whatever doesn't kill you may make you smarter and more experienced but not stronger. People who can heart attacks and live aren't more immune to them. In fact, they're more likely to get heart attacks again than someone who hasn't experienced one before. Catching a cold or a bacterial infection builds your immune system, making it smarter as it learns new ways to protect you in the future, your immune system isn't stronger. If your immune system meets a new infection, it won't be able to protect you. Your failures don't make you a stronger person and it wouldn't be fair if it did. Someone who's gone to jail isn't on equal levels as someone who hasn't. A criminal record doesn't kill you but it doesn't make you stronger. So where in the world did this idea of almost being killed makes you stronger? But who needs to be strong anyways, isn't the whole point of life to live?! Isn't that why we climb mountains and go sky diving? So that we can experience both sides of every story? A strong person does die. What's the meaning of strong to you if you don't even know what it means to be weak?

I do believe in destiny. I do believe things out of our control happen. But all that happens for a reason. God won't give us anything we can't handle. And if he does, that's what I call death, lol.

20 years of timeline already drawn. And though I've complained for the last 20 years about how much my life just shitty sucks, I think I've found a way to appreciate it.

That's optimism at it's best. Seriously.

I have reached a dead end.

There are no more emergency exits, no more u-turns, no more helicopter rescues. I've used up all my lifelines, my health meter is beeping red and I can no longer call a friend. I have reached a dead end. What am I going to do? How am I going to pull this one off? How am I going to write this to have a happy ending?

It's now or never. No more second chances. No more redos. This is it. I have reached the very dead end. I mean the absolute dead end. If I can't find a way out soon, I'm going die. Well, maybe not die but everything will end pretty tragically. Tragically. Yes, tragically, a word that I don't use often but in this case it is very appropriate.

I don't have a plan! I don't have a backup plan! I don't have anything to work with right now. I'm just going to charge forward and wing it??? That's never worked out all that well for me but I don't know what else I can do right now. And I have no one to turn to right now because it's my own battle, it's a fight that I have to win myself. I have a feeling if I can get through this, it's going to solve a lot of other problems. But what if I can't solve it? What does it mean? What if I don't get through this? Am I seriously out of the game for good?

I've been having such bad dreams lately, seriously. Not nightmares but bad dreams, just yesterday I had a dream that someone was out to kill my brother and I. The setting was at our old house not our new one. Somehow we got chased up to my bedroom and my brother and I were trapped inside and I was trying to hold the door shut as the killer was banging it open. I told my brother to help me push against it so I can start pushing stuff to the door to you know... put weight on our side so the killer can't open the door so easily. But my brother was SO UNRELIABLE!!! He kept on slacking off, like one point he just walked away from the door and the killer almost opened it and I had to run to like slam the door shut! Okay, I can't describe it but I can still see it in my head very clearly. Point is, I was so upset at that point because 1. We were probably going to die and 2. When we were both FIGHTING for our lives, my brother still could not be someone I can trust and lean on.

I don't think I over-analyze my dreams, in fact, I think it's my dreams that help me realize a lot of my unconscious thoughts. It's not that my brother and I don't like each other but lately, not really lately, a while now, after he's got a new girlfriend I can feel him drifting away from everyone in the family. Back then, he was ALREADY in a rebellious stage where spending time with family was not exactly something on his to-do list. And now it's EVEN WORST. Does this happen to everyone who gets into a relationship? The moment you find a girl/boyfriend, you immediately forget about everyone else and all you care about is the other person? He/she is the ONLY thing on your mind? Is that the way it really is????? Because if that's the case, I hope I don't fall in love. Geez. I hate how his entire world just revolves around her and no one else matters. There are OTHER people in your life who still take care of you, feed you, and watch over you, you absolutely have no right to just be such a jerk to everyone but your ONE girlfriend, WHO PROBABLY still can't do shit for you except say the useless words "I love you". Why is it that once people find a partner, they can just throw away everything? Like in movies, people go, "Let's just leave EVERYTHING BEHIND AND RUN AWAY." Isn't that so selfish? Yes you love this person and yes this person loves you, but so do the other 10 people you were planning to leave behind. Besides, usually the person you fall in love with is someone you've just known in recent years, whereas your family and your friends, you've known them for so much longer. You've had so much more history with all the people you're planning to leave behind. Those people were THERE FOR YOU when your freaking girl/boyfriend wasn't! So how do people prioritize all this?

Of course, I'm saying this based on absolutely no experience. I hope I don't become a hypocrite and end up running off with my boyfriend and marrying him in some small island. I can't see that happening just because I love my parents too much to just leave them for anyone but I can't seem to understand the other side right now. Or maybe unconsciously I'm just cranky that I don't have a boyfriend I'm just being sour grapes at the moment.

Ugh. How did I get so sidetracked?! Back to the point. I have to save myself right now.

The ground's tatoos

The bright lit moon-- it was really round today-- somehow, it brought out the scum on the ground. I realized how much scum there actually was. What is scum? Is it gum that people just spit out? And because it's stepped on by so many people that it turned black?

Why do people spit out gum? I guess the most obvious reason is because they're too lazy to walk over to the nearest garbage can and spit it out there. But like... how hard can it possibly be? Unless... they had the intention of ruining a perfectly new sidewalk because they couldn't stand the sight of it. Or maybe, they wanted to be the first ones ruining it because... I don't know, people take satisfaction in the strangest things.

All that gum on the ground must not be healthy. I wonder if people even acknowledge it like I do? I think most people just walk mindlessly-- I mean as long as its not dog shit or a $50 bill, why bother noticing? But for the people who do notice, doesn't it bother you that a perfectly new sidewalk would have to be replaced just because of all the scum on it? I mean, that all could've easily been prevented. And I think, wouldn't it just be easier to get someone to scrape off all that scum than to just replace the entire sidewalk. It would probably be cheaper too. It would be good community service, maybe even get some people to stop spitting out gum so casually on the ground if they knew someone was actually out there cleaning it up.

But if the gum was scraped off, the only difference it makes is that it's not seen anymore. It doesn't change the fact that it was once there. But does that matter? Wouldn't it be funny if you scrape off the gum and because the gum had been covering that patch of ground, the colour of it would be "newer" than the rest of the sidewalk. So doesn't that signify that the piece of gum was once there and even though you've removed it, it doesn't change the fact that there was once an asshole who decided to spit out the gum. But maybe the asshole wasn't an asshole, what if the person was chewing the piece of gum and just realized and he/she was allergic to it and had to spit it out. You know. Life/death situation? Whatever. How am I supposed to know? Point is though, the scum mark would still be there. Nothing's going to change that. So what's the difference between scraping off that piece of gum and just leaving it there? The fact that it's black if it's there and after you remove it, it's white? Either way, it's still discolouration... White blends in better than black?

Still doesn't change the fact that you'll know a piece of shitty gum was once there.

So I guess the best way to get rid of it is to get a new sidewalk... It's going to cost a crapload of money but at least it solves the problem. But that's a lot of time and money. Is it even worth it? That's like so many tax payers money going into aesthetic purposes. I mean, the sidewalk works and functions like a sidewalk, there are no safety concerns, why get a new one just because it looks ugly. But I guess it could really bother some people. I know some people who just have to bitch about everything out there, I don't know if they seriously care that the sidewalk is tainted or if they just need something to bitch about because they have nothing better to do in their time. What about saving animals? I'd rather they bitch about that. But I guess if it really bothers them and they want it changed, then I guess that's good ambitions for them! I can't stand the people who just bitch about it for the sake of bitching about something. Who's the bitching for? For themselves? I don't know. Maybe some people just need to tell themselves that they have an opinion and that they are their own person. Crazy people. For others? Maybe some people just need other people to know their thoughts. You know. Crazy people.

For me? Maybe they bitch to me about it because they know I'm a gum-spitter, subtly suggesting to me that I'm not a good person. Well, not really that subtle but obviously they're too stupid to tell. I'm not angry, just bitter. I'm just bitter that these stupid gum-spitters won't stop, and that these stupid bitches won't stop bitching. Mostly the bitches. Ugh. Whatever. Just rip the sidewalk up already. In the end, as long as no one gets hurt, everyone wins.

Nothing gold can stay

I loved it. I really loved it. It was my life at one point. It was my entire life at one point. I think at one point, I loved it more than I loved myself.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I thought that love would never end. I thought it would last forever.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily.

It doesn't make me excited and happy anymore. It doesn't flawlessly and effortlessly bring a smile to my face anymore. I just don't care about it anymore.

I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I wish I didn't though. I wish I still loved it. I wish I could hold onto it. I wish I didn't grow out of it so fast.

I feel kind of bad. I almost kind of feel guilty that I stopped loving it. And it's not that I only stopped loving it, I stopped caring about it altogether. It actually kind of makes me a little bit sick, like the feeling of eating too much chocolate cake.

Maybe if I wait a while I might love it again. But I doubt it. It's sad that I don't miss it. I just miss loving it.

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO

Medical school looks really far away right now, even grad school, which was my backup, doesn't look like a good plan B anymore.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?! You know, I have seriously considered just dropping out and going to pursue music. Other than the fact that my parents would probably kill me, and I would struggle every day of my life to make a living, it IS possible. Right? LOL.

Words of wisdom: You should do something you like.

Well, I like to sleep and eat and blog. And go on youtube and facebook. But I can't exactly make career choices out of those things. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a PowerRanger. LOL. Although the Pink Ranger got all the love from the boy Rangers, I wanted to be the Yellow Ranger. Yellow because my comfort blanket was yellow and also because I thought she could fight so much better than the Pink.

To be honest, I think I just told everyone I wanted to be a doctor. I've never actually dreamed about it, never really imagined what it would be like to be a doctor. But then again, when I was a kid I didn't dream much about my future. I just imagined myself to be successful. LOL!!! Well duh, who the hell imagines themselves as a failure?!

So what do I do now? I have reached a point where I need to seriously consider the best option for me. It's no longer trial-and-error-see-how-things-work-out-just-go-with-the-flow. I thought of dropping out and just going to college and getting some job degree and getting my ass into the workforce. I don't know how easy/hard 3rd and 4th year will be and I sort of don't want to know... especially at UofT. I mean, when it's hard, it's REALLY REALLY REALLY impossibly hard. Ugh... I'm just not UofT material. But I also feel like if I give up now, I'll probably regret not even trying to finish getting my bachelors. And I thought of transferring to another university and doing my undergrad there, but that doesn't sit well with me either. Doing that will still make me feel like I gave up, except I would have a bachelors degree in my hand.

I still remember the days when I was in elementary school, and I got like an 80% on my math test and I nearly cried my eyes out. LOL!!! I remember just staring at the math test, running to the bathroom and just cried. My best friend came in and tried to comfort me and I told her how my life is over. LMFAO.

Then in high school, my first math test, I got 68%. And obviously, I didn't have any really close friends, so I had to hold in my tears and wait until I got home before I bawled my eyes out. HAHAHA. I remember just studying really really hard after that, and I don't know how, but I walked out of that course with a nice 80%, and this is coming from someone who was taught LONG DIVISION in grade 8. So I was so proud of myself.

Then in university, my first chemistry test, I got 30%. And I didn't cry, but I was just kind of shocked and in disbelief for like two weeks. And so I studied really really really hard. And I didn't finish the course that well. And I just thought, "Hey. It's JUST chemistry. If I work hard in my other courses, I can do well." And that... wasn't really true. Some courses, I'd half-ass study the night before and get this surprisingly good mark and I'd be like, "WTF?!" And other times when I study a month before the test, and I feel like I know EVERYTHING, and when write the test and walk out, I feel SO GOOD, but when I get my mark back, I would have no idea how the HELL I flunked it.

Sigh. Enough of a rant. I need to go study for my last exam.

God,
If you exist, can you please just pass me in all my courses? Honestly, I've never asked for much in life and even if I have, you've never given it to me. So please. PLEASE. PUH-LEASEEEE. PASS ME. I promise to never complain about my bad luck again. I promise to never beg for a pass again. LOL. I'll promise you whatever you want me to promise you. Just please give me a passing grade in all my courses.
Thank you.
-Stephanie

I'm not afraid to fail.

I think last year and this year has proven to me that I can fail even if I try not to. In high school, I always thought that I would have to TRY to fail but of course, that was high school, not the real world.

Sherry told me that she wants to work to live whereas I would want to live to work. And for the longest time I agreed with what she said because I really want a job that I like and actually be able to wake up every morning and say, "Yay! Work!" LOL. But for Sherry, she would OBVIOUSLY prefer a job that she'll enjoy but at the end of the day, she just wants a job that can put food on the table.

But now that I think about it, I think I actually want to work to live not live to work. Even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a job that I'll enjoy, I think I put a lot of things ahead of career. My family, friends, happiness, seeing the world, experiencing new things... Sometimes I feel like I won't be able to get all of that if I'm so dedicated to my job or my work.

University of Toronto has changed my perception to EVERYTHING. And I guess in some way for the better. I want to do well, I will still aim for that 4.0 every year, but along the way, I want to make friends, be a good friend, experience things and just really live.

I remember first year, I SERIOUSLY considered just throwing myself in front of a bus because I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like such a useless person. I wasn't suffering from depression, I was just stressed. But marks and a high GPA does not define who I am as a person. Marks get you really far in life, without them, you would probably be closing a lot of doors. However, I'd rather be self-fulfilled and happy with limited opportunities than to be a person with a high GPA with a lot of greatness ahead of me but just be a completely empty person.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I would like to live comfortably without having to worry about my bills or if I can get my kids to university, but I don't need all the money in the world. And if I did have a lot of money in the world, I'd probably end up giving so much of it away to friends, family and charity.

I remember this one time, the jackpot was $20 million for 6/49, and a friend asked me what I would do with that money if I won. Honestly, I would probably give away $1 million to each of my close friends because I think I only have about 5-6 close friends. I would donate $6-7 million to charity. And most people would think, "OH MY GOD, you're giving it all away!"

No. I would still have around $9 million or so. I would keep $2 million and give the rest to my mom. And maybe give something to my brother, lol, I can't forget him. As much as I rant about how much I just want to sleep for the rest of my life and do nothing, deep down, I don't want that. lol. My entire life I've been so busy and stressed, and sometimes I say things like that because I just WANT A DAMN BREAK FROM IT ALL. But after a month of nothing, I would probably want to head out to the battlefield again and stress myself out all over again. Just because I won the lottery, I would never quit my job, unless of course, I was like 50, then I might just want an early retirement.

You guys may think that I'm probably just "making this up" and if I really did win $20 million, I wouldn't be handing out money like that. Well, I'm saying this as if I were an adult and I was a doctor whose living comfortably. I mean, if I won the money NOW, I'd probably just give it all to my parents. LOL. And of course, if I were a hobo and I won that money, I'd obviously use it on myself first since I would probably not have any friends to give the money to, lol. And if I DID have friends, I would probably have borrowed so much money from them, so I would use that money to pay off my debts WITH interest. LOL. But bottom line is, I don't see why any ONE person would need $20 million. There are people out there who need it more than you do. And it's not even about fairness, the fact that someone is worst off than you and you're the one who’s masked in the luxury of the money and they're suffering, it's about humanity, helping those who NEED it more than you do, doing the RIGHT thing, being a HUMAN being who has FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and has the ability to feel SYMPATHY.

I guess I'm writing this just because I feel like the majority of the people are warped in another mindset. It would be wrong for me to say, "Just be a good person, that's all you need in life. Don't worry about your marks, don't worry about your job. Don't worry at all! Just be a good person."

You should be strong, smart and knowledgeable of the world, fight for what you believe in, love your friends and family, be happy, live your life and live it as a good person.

But of course, if everyone was like that in this world, there wouldn't be any wars or fights. And the government wouldn't need to spend millions of dollars every year on research for nuclear weapons instead of putting it towards cancer research. Ugh... can you believe we're wasting money on FINDING ways to kill each other? I think that's so ridiculous. Like pollution, chemicals, viruses, and all the radiation out there isn't enough to kill us, we need to develop more ways to a faster death.

I hope you find it.

I thought I knew you so well. I thought you and I had a connection that only you and I would understand. You love me so much more than I could ever love you. I try to love you. No, I try to love you AS MUCH as you love me but I guess, it hasn't come to time where I can understand that strength of love.

As a very important person in your life, I just wish I could give you all the happiness in the world to makeup for all the times that I hurt you, to makeup for all the times I was insufficient in loving you. I try so hard to make things easier for you but because of time and distance, I'm unable to be everything that you want me to be.

I just want to see you happy. I always thought I knew the key to your happiness, I just couldn't get it for you. But now that I can get it for you, I realized that maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, another... flaw in my love for you.

I can't bring you your happiness like the way I thought I could. I wish I could say these words to you so you would understand how this makes me feel as a person, but I'm thinking this isn't the time or the place for it.

You probably thought there is probably more to life than what is given to you, and I promise you there is more. You just have to walk out a little farther, go a little deeper into that forest and I promise you, there is more for you out there. I wish I was strong enough to hold your hand and walk out there with you, but I'm not. I thought I could go out there myself and get it for you, but it's not what you wanted. I don't know what you want.

Whatever it is you're missing in your life, whatever it is you want, whatever it is that brings a smile to your face every morning, I hope you find it. And when you find it, it's not too late to appreciate it and hold onto it for the rest of your life.

I hope you find it.

I hate leaving home.

I sound like such a big cry baby. But I hate having to go back to that stupid apartment. I'm leaving tomorrow noon since I have to be down there around 4 to finish up some Science Rendezvous stuff. I'm so glad that next week I can just leave that place forever. I'm thinking that since exams start, there really is no reason for me to stay there and live with people who are such losers. I might as well just come home once exams begin and live in a nicer and friendlier environment.

This year has been so rough. I just want it to end. Some dead person once said that there were no failures in life, just experiences and your reactions to them. I'd like to agree with that but honestly, what do you mean there are no failures in life?! Getting 2/10 on my quiz is not just an experience and MY mere reaction to it, it's a COMPLETE failure on my part. LOL. Although this entire year felt like a complete EPIC failure to me, I guess I can say, in this case, it was just ONE BIG LIFE EXPERIENCE and a lesson well-taught. Lessons well-taught.

1. Never ever freaking sign contracts without thinking. NEVER. Think of the worst that can happen and IMAGINE it actually happening. And then imaging LIVING in that condition for the date specified in the contract. No matter how small the chance of it happening, you still need to consider it.

2. Not all your friends will like you. I guess I sort of always knew this. I've always categorized friends into four groups:

a. LEECHES. Friends who only want to take take take take take from you. They know you got the goods and so they just want in on some of it. They pretend to be your BEST FRIEND whenever they need something but after that, they won't even remember your name. I don't have any goodies, so I don't really attract these types of people. I'm not rich or smart or have amazing connections, so I don't really worry about meeting leeches.

b. MONKEYS. I scratch your back and you scratch mine. These are the people who use you and you use them back. It's an unspoken rule but it's very clear that you two are just "friends"... with side benefits. A real friendship is unlikely to develop but it can possibly happen. Your friendship is like a business transaction. I tend to have many of these types of friends and I don't really mind. I mean, these are the people in my lectures, I send them notes when they're sick and they send me recordings that I need. We're on friendly terms. We'll sometimes call each other up and rant to each other about how much our professors suck but other than that, that's as far as our friendship goes.

c. ANTS. Your neutral everyday friend. They are everywhere. For example, the classmate who once shared a cookie with you on her birthday, and then you two realized that you both love Pokemon. And... that's the end of it. These types of friendships are usually awkward because usually the both of you have different ideas of how close you two actually are and you never know whether or not you can ask them out for coffee or borrow their notes without looking like a poser or a user. I meet a lot of these people and they're nice to have around. These are the people that I actually treat pretty well just because it's better to have a friend than an enemy. However, they're also people I know I don't "click" with and so they only remain ants. On the exterior, I feel like they're nice, good people. However, I can't give any other sort of deeper impression of them since I don't know them that well.

d. PANDAS. Rare. Good friends. Not necessarily the ones you can ALWAYS count on but the ones you "click" with. It's hard to explain this click. They're not always the people who treat you well or the ones that actually really care about you, but they're the ones who just understand you. They may not be able to keep secrets, or give advice, or be that shoulder for you to cry on, but they get you. I'm strange and all over the place and so to find someone who gets me, I cling on and like NEVER EVER WANT TO LET THEM GO.

3. Not everyone makes it their obligation to be nice. This I had to learn the hard way. I always thought that the only reason there were nasty people out there was because 1. they were having a bad day and they weren't actually nasty or 2. they put up a facade because something bad happened to them in the past. LOL. BUTTTTTTTT. Now I know there are just nasty people out there because they were just born that way or they were just raised that way, I don't know.

4. Seek help when needed. I always thought I could handle everything myself, but that's so far from the truth. This year, I think I asked for help in every possible direction, from friends to counsellors, to lawyers, to parents. It's a good thing. You shouldn't be ashamed of it, there are people out there who do know more than you and will probably be able to give you a clear and more rational layout of the entire situation.

5. Always try. You may not succeed, you may never succeed but that's not an excuse for not trying. It's better to try and fail then to just not try at all. I think sometimes when I know I'm going to fail, I just don't try because I think, "Why bother? The results will be the same." But the process of trying and failing actually feels different from not trying at all and failing. There is a difference.

Mistakes.

I make so many mistakes in one day, sometimes, I think I'm so lucky to make it out at the end of the day alive. I know I'm human and humans make mistakes but sometimes the mistakes I make are SO bad that there's no way for me to go back. I know there are people out there who think they're perfect in every way, and they don't make mistakes. Those people are delusional and I refuse to stoop down to that level. I'm bigger than that. I will admit to my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will move on. That's what life is about, isn't it? Learning and growing and becoming a better person?

But even until today, there are mistakes that I wish I could take back and I just can't move on from them. I can't tell my friends about these mistakes because I know they will never forgive me. I know I can trust a good friend to not judge me but these are very detrimental mistakes that could ruin our friendship forever. I worked so hard to build my life back together. It's still not perfect yet but I'm working at it. I'm fixing my mistakes and trying to never make them again. Every single day it's a fight. But sometimes I feel like the past comes back to haunt me and I just can't escape it. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm no longer that person in the past and that I am a better person now, I still feel bad, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's always going to be apart of me and there's no way to escape it.

Sometimes I wish I had amnesia, or had someone to brainwash me. I know the past made me who I am today. I should be grateful for it for making me a better person but I can't help but think that I was once this horrible friend and it still lives inside me.

I can't forget. I will never forgive myself. But I guess, there are some things in life where you don't need to forgive and forget to find closure. Sometimes all you need is to know the reason for it. And the reason being that it made you a better person should be sufficient for you to close the file, finish the chapter, dot your i's and cross your t's and close your eyes at night.