What the future holds.

I don't know what the future holds. I think I've got the wrong mentality all along. I've been chasing after this dream of becoming a doctor when I should be working hard at what I have in front of me. I've never going to catch the dream if I keep tripping over my two feet. I need to balance myself. Steady my hands. Focus my eyes. And charge. I can't just keep mindlessly chasing or else I would never catch it.

I need to stop telling myself medical school because I know deep down that that dream will never leave me. I will always remember that my goal in life is to become a doctor. But there's no way I can do that if I all I think about is how I am going to get there. I have a life to live right now. It's been waiting for me and I've ignored it for way too long. I need to go back to my life. I am happy at where I am in life right now. I am happy. I may not be content, but I am happy.

I thought this entire journey of boycotting everyone and everything was so that I could find myself. I thought I was searching for a sense of identity. It wasn't until recently I realized that I know who I am, I know what I want to become, and I know where I'm going. I have a sense of identity. I've found it a long time ago and I've never lost it. Perhaps it's because I'm still perfecting myself that I feel like I don't know who I am, but I do. I am outgoing, bubbly and guarded. I am hard-working and a big fat procrastinator at the same time. I am a super crazy clean-freak. I am a little OCD that I find very much charming. I am passionate, hot-tempered, and optimistic. I can be depressed, twisted and hopeless when my hormones sway a certain way. I know who I am.

I realized that I wasn't looking for myself, but rather a place. What I've been searching for is a sense of belonging. I don't know where I belong. I know who I am but where do I fit in in this world? I want to be someone's favourite person, I want to be someone's person. I want to be the sun in someone's world. I want to change the world somehow, I want to make a dent in it so that I have marked my place on Earth to prove that I have lived. I want to be the best in something, make history and be remembered. I want to belong to a time, to a place, to a thing. I haven't found my little niche yet.

So I guess until then, I should keep working at being myself and I suppose, like tetris, I will eventually find a perfect fit for myself. What the saying? It's better to be alone than to not be and wish you were. I'm not in a rush, I've got plenty of things to do so until then, I will stop building walls. Instead, I'll build fences. Climbing fences are easier than breaking down walls.

Dearest

How are you? Did you ever manage to pass that midterm with flying colours? You probably don't even remember what midterm I'm referring to anymore.

I'm so tired right now. I'm in this never ending circle of routines, errands, chores and conversations. Will I pass the next test? Will I even graduate and get my bachelors? What will my job be? Will I have a family? How much longer will my parents be with me? Will I get to see the world?

Can you answer any of these questions for me?

I'm trying so hard to please everyone. It's hard to keep up with everyone, from volunteer coordinators to professors, to doctors, to friends, to my family. I think the only reason why I can't seem to please everyone is because I still haven't found myself the right niche. Have you found yourself yet? Are you still trying to fit in? Don't worry if you're still struggling, I hear some people struggle their entire life. So it's still too early for you to start worrying yet. Wait. Are you still a worry wart? Didn't I tell you to work on that?

Did you ever manage to learn all the languages that you wanted to learn? I really hope you picked up Korean or Japanese, either one would be fine. I'd be so disappointed in you if you didn't fit them into your schedule. I know you're a busy person, but it was still a goal you set for yourself if you still hadn't reached it yet, I'd suggest to you to get cracking on it now. Now. Now. Now. How's your Mandarin? The last time I heard you, you weren't bad but you could definitely brush up on your vocabulary box.

Do you still listen to Korean music? Are you still obsessed over Korean dramas like I am? You know, your life will never be like that. So. Stop dreaming if you're still dreaming and drooling over the male lead of every drama.

You never got a chance to tell me about your boyfriend. How is he? If you tell me you still don't have one yet, I'd laugh. I remember how sad you were when you told me you really wanted a boyfriend. You said you wanted to "know what it feels like to love someone and have someone love you back just as much". You were such a drama queen. But. I guess I can sort of relate. Sort of. I'm not all that sad about being single though, I mean the state of being single fits my schedule. I don't know how to fit someone else into my schedule. Are you fitting him into your schedule well? What does he look like? Does he look anything like the guy you described to me? Tall, strong, brown doe eyes, clean shaved, short hair, preferably brown, Asian, can you make laugh and forget all your worries? Do your parents know about him? You promised to tell your parents the moment things were stable.

I remember telling you that I wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon, to be exact. You were so surprised and excited because that's what you wanted to be as well. Are you a surgeon yet? LET ME KNOW! I might join you in a few years. *embarrassed laugh* If I get out of UofT alive that is... Did you make it out of UofT alive? What's your best advice to me now? I know a couple of my UofT friends who are struggling with me too and I'd love to be able to give them some insight. It's not just all studying right?

I find myself crying a lot these days. I don't know why. Do you still occasionally cry over stupid things? Sometimes I feel like I'll never grow up. I'm still so emotional and moody. I remember the time when you and I were so stressed over our midterms that we just went to sleep because we thought, "if you don't know it by now, you won't know it" and when we woke up we cried on our way over to the exam because we knew how screwed we were. *GOOD* times. Do you have better studying habits now? Hopefully, better than mine.

Do you still remember Chris? Do you still talk to him? I sort of lost contact a while ago. I don't think he's doing all too well the last time I checked on him. But "well" is really subjective I suppose. If you're still in contact with him, I wouldn't be mad since he was such a big part of your life. I won't stop you from contacting him since he was everything in your life at one point, I understand that would be hard for you to erase him completely. But if you have a boyfriend now, there wouldn't be a need to keep in contact with him right? I don't think your boyfriend would be very pleased if you did. I wouldn't tell him but I think if you're still in contact with Chris, you should let your boyfriend know... You know... better than him finding out who Chris is by himself. Or you know, Chris would probably try to contact your boyfriend. I've lost all control over Chris, well, I never had control over him in the first place. But yeah. Just be careful?

Sometimes at night, I can sort of hear you whispering into my ear. It's kind of scary! It must be from those sleepovers we had so often that I just keep hearing your stupid freaking voice. Do you hear my voice? I bet you don't. You haven't written to me since forever! Why is it that I find that I care more about you than you care about me? I feel like most of my relationships are like that anyways. I'm always the person who cares more and stresses over things more and tries to contact the other person more often. Is that a bad thing? I don't know, you're going to have to help me answer this one. I never thought it was a bad thing, it just makes me feel stupid.

Anyways. I have a midterm tomorrow. It's worth 50% of my mark! Can you wish me luck? Do you still read my blog? I have a feeling you don't, so you'll probably never read this letter. Maybe I'll print this off and send it to you when I have the time. What's your address now? I don't know your freaking address. Ugh. How about I just print it off and leave it in our box? What about your email? Is it the same? I hate how you haven't even tried to contact me! Because clearly it's easier for you to contact me than it is for me to contact you.

Anyways. I'll miss you. And you better be missing me right now.

Your crazy, totally random, and stubborn friend,
-Steph

Failure to See

Dearest,

I remember a friend telling me that she never knew how pessimistic I was. Of course, I wasn't angry that time, but there was something inside that told me how wrong that sounded. I am realistic. Of course, you're going to tell me that's what every pessimists call themselves these days. I told her, "You don't even know half the things I have to go through everyday." I've learned that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I don't see the glass half empty or half full. I try to see who's holding the glass and then predict how much there would be left depending on the person. I might underestimate how much there would be left but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm pessimistic, it just means I prepared myself for the worst.

And sometimes, even when I pack my bag and brace myself for the worst, far worst come and I'm so unprepared for it. So when things like that happen, how can she tell me I'm pessimistic when I can still smile everyday and she's the one running frantic about your future???

I think I am unprepared even when I try to be prepared because I still try to see the good in everything and everyone. And that takes so much more effort and trouble than you think. If I read too much into the situation, I'd be called over-analytical and taking-everything-personally, but if I don't try at all, then I'm dunce and blind. For instance, if a friend is annoyed, do I assume that she's annoyed with me or do I brush it off as her having a bad day? A pessimist would probably just call her a bitch. If a friend is late, do I assume that she just isn't as excited as I am to watch the movie or do I give her the benefit of the doubt that she's probably just stuck in a traffic jam? A pessimist would probably assume she died. So I guess... I'll accept being called blind but I do not accept being called a pessimist.

Just two days ago, the worst thing happened to me. Okay, it's actually not that bad now that I think over all the crap I had to go through in the past 20 years. But nonetheless, it hurt and it was embarrassing and I'm so disappointed in myself and I wish I didn't tell anyone about it.

Sometimes I don't know if I complain too much or if I really do go through so much more than the average person. I know everyone has their own problems but do they suffer as much as me?! I always assume that every weird thing I experience is very "typical" and "everyone-goes-through-it", but all this crap that happens just can't be normal. I don't tell everyone everything because I don't want to come across as a whiny bitch who just isn't grateful for the fact that she's living and isn't starving in Africa and dying of cancer or aids with 20 brothers and sisters who need food and clean water and probably a new roof because the storm last night blew it off.

Whether or not it's normal, I've sort of learned to live with my bad luck and my blindness. It's not that I don't *enjoy* learning and growing but sometimes I wish I was just smarter as a person. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be someone my mom can say, "Okay. Go out and have fun because I know you're a smart kid who can handle herself." And not, "Okay. Go out and have fun but... Don't talk to strangers or hobos. Drive slowly. Don't drink. And if you're driving along the road and you see a dead animal please don't stop and try to bury it in the grass, just drive around it."

Do you think there will come a day when I can just be me and be glad I am?

I've missed you. So much.