My Parents.

I've always really wondered, in my mom's eyes, what kind of person am I? Does her perspective of me ever change? Has it been the same all along? Is her perspective of me even right? Because most the time, I think she’s WRONG.

I hate it when my mom makes all these assumptions when they're not even right and then she'll act like she KNOWS me and if I deny it she'll just think that I'm just too ashamed to admit it. SO NOT TRUE. My dad does the same thing too. How do I know this? Because sometimes they'll talk about my younger brother in front of me and HALF the things they say, I swear, are not even close to the truth. I think a lot of the stuff they say are things that they would’ve done as kids or maybe they once thought of doing it and now they are reflecting it back onto us. Although sometimes they are correct, I assure you, it’s probably just out of pure luck. Sometimes, I feel like my parents don’t know me and my brother at all. Although I must say, they do understand my brother a lot more…

You’re probably sitting there saying, "Oh, you're not communicating enough with your parents." Not true, I talk to my parents A LOT. I tell them everything that goes on in my life. I tell them my future plans, I tell them about my fears... honestly... I communicate, okay? Compared to the average teenager who just says “nuthin’”, I freaking communicate to BOTH MY PARENTS. I think I know why that even though I talk to them so much they still don’t understand me.

Everytime I say something, I feel like it goes through a filter in their head. They don’t automatically accept and believe everything I say. They take everything apart and analyze it for what it’s worth. They try to figure out what are the lies, the truths, and just the downright bullshit I decided to include for fun.

My brother… pffft. He doesn’t talk to them at all. WHY? Because he knows they will take everything he says and use it against him one day. It’s like everything you tell them, they take it and translate it back into something really nasty. They can’t just listen and accept.

Of course, my parents aren’t bad people. They love us to death and would probably do just about anything for us. I think it’s because they care so much about us that they think the worst in us so they can prepare for it. I don’t know… am I analyzing too much into this? I seriously don’t know why they act like that. Let me give you some examples:

If I say, “Mom, I want to get my nose fixed.” That’s showing her my insecurities. I want her to COMFORT me. But instead, she’ll just say, “Ugh. Stop thinking about that stuff and just concentrate in school!”

If I tell them things about my friends, they’ll invent up all this other crap to go along with the story. Once I told my mom that my friend’s parents let her drive by herself and go to places with her friends. And my mom came to the conclusion, “Her parents don’t care about her. They don’t have time to care about her.” LMFAO. OKAY?!

Every time they call me on the phone, the first thing they say is, “What are you doing? Playing on the computer?” I GET SO PISSED because I’m trying to freaking finish an assignment and they ask me if I’m PLAYING?! Ughhh…

So mom, dad, I know you will never read this, but I thought I should say everything I want to say to you right here.

1. I try really hard to make you guys proud. I try not to disappoint you guys at all. I try to be your ideal daughter.
2. I lie sometimes. I'm not always honest with you but I never lie about the things that matter. Sometimes you call and ask me if I showered yet because you don't like me showering at night, I'll always say yes just so you guys can shut up. I'm not ALWAYS doing homework, I do read the news, go on Youtube, go on Facebook, but 90% of the time I AM doing homework. So if I tell you I'm playing on the internet, it means I'm on my break! And don't start telling me to do my work because I probably just spent freaking 10 hours working on it. 
3. I hate it when you guys think I'm lying when I AM actually telling the truth.
4. I have friends and sometimes I like hanging around them more than you guys but that doens't mean they are more important to me.
5. Stop telling me to do things, I hate it. I have my own life, I have my own schedule, I will do things on my own accord. I’m old enough to know what to do, when to do it and however I want to do it. If I need your advice, I’ll ask for it. I hate it when I ask for advice, you guys tell me to think for myself, but when I don’t need your help, you just intrude in my personal space.
6. Don't tell me how you started making money for your family at the age of 14, I can't do anything about it. Here in Canada, we need education first... money and job comes later.
7. Don't cry to me and tell me how hard your life is... I cry a lot about how hard my life is too. I can’t carry your burden yet so don’t give it to me. But as a daughter, I would never say that to your face, I would just quietly listen and hold back my tears as I helplessly watch you cry over your marriage and how your life is “over”.
8. Never underestimate the stress I'm under. On top of my own goals, I have goals YOU GUYS want me to achieve. Being the eldest in the family means I have to put up with your shit and my brother's shit too.
9. Don't call me stupid. I may not know as much or be as smart as you guys but that's because I haven't lived as long as you guys.
10. I love you guys so much but I'll never say it. Ever.

Dearest

How are you? Did you ever manage to pass that midterm with flying colours? You probably don't even remember what midterm I'm referring to anymore.

I'm so tired right now. I'm in this never ending circle of routines, errands, chores and conversations. Will I pass the next test? Will I even graduate and get my bachelors? What will my job be? Will I have a family? How much longer will my parents be with me? Will I get to see the world?

Can you answer any of these questions for me?

I'm trying so hard to please everyone. It's hard to keep up with everyone, from volunteer coordinators to professors, to doctors, to friends, to my family. I think the only reason why I can't seem to please everyone is because I still haven't found myself the right niche. Have you found yourself yet? Are you still trying to fit in? Don't worry if you're still struggling, I hear some people struggle their entire life. So it's still too early for you to start worrying yet. Wait. Are you still a worry wart? Didn't I tell you to work on that?

Did you ever manage to learn all the languages that you wanted to learn? I really hope you picked up Korean or Japanese, either one would be fine. I'd be so disappointed in you if you didn't fit them into your schedule. I know you're a busy person, but it was still a goal you set for yourself if you still hadn't reached it yet, I'd suggest to you to get cracking on it now. Now. Now. Now. How's your Mandarin? The last time I heard you, you weren't bad but you could definitely brush up on your vocabulary box.

Do you still listen to Korean music? Are you still obsessed over Korean dramas like I am? You know, your life will never be like that. So. Stop dreaming if you're still dreaming and drooling over the male lead of every drama.

You never got a chance to tell me about your boyfriend. How is he? If you tell me you still don't have one yet, I'd laugh. I remember how sad you were when you told me you really wanted a boyfriend. You said you wanted to "know what it feels like to love someone and have someone love you back just as much". You were such a drama queen. But. I guess I can sort of relate. Sort of. I'm not all that sad about being single though, I mean the state of being single fits my schedule. I don't know how to fit someone else into my schedule. Are you fitting him into your schedule well? What does he look like? Does he look anything like the guy you described to me? Tall, strong, brown doe eyes, clean shaved, short hair, preferably brown, Asian, can you make laugh and forget all your worries? Do your parents know about him? You promised to tell your parents the moment things were stable.

I remember telling you that I wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon, to be exact. You were so surprised and excited because that's what you wanted to be as well. Are you a surgeon yet? LET ME KNOW! I might join you in a few years. *embarrassed laugh* If I get out of UofT alive that is... Did you make it out of UofT alive? What's your best advice to me now? I know a couple of my UofT friends who are struggling with me too and I'd love to be able to give them some insight. It's not just all studying right?

I find myself crying a lot these days. I don't know why. Do you still occasionally cry over stupid things? Sometimes I feel like I'll never grow up. I'm still so emotional and moody. I remember the time when you and I were so stressed over our midterms that we just went to sleep because we thought, "if you don't know it by now, you won't know it" and when we woke up we cried on our way over to the exam because we knew how screwed we were. *GOOD* times. Do you have better studying habits now? Hopefully, better than mine.

Do you still remember Chris? Do you still talk to him? I sort of lost contact a while ago. I don't think he's doing all too well the last time I checked on him. But "well" is really subjective I suppose. If you're still in contact with him, I wouldn't be mad since he was such a big part of your life. I won't stop you from contacting him since he was everything in your life at one point, I understand that would be hard for you to erase him completely. But if you have a boyfriend now, there wouldn't be a need to keep in contact with him right? I don't think your boyfriend would be very pleased if you did. I wouldn't tell him but I think if you're still in contact with Chris, you should let your boyfriend know... You know... better than him finding out who Chris is by himself. Or you know, Chris would probably try to contact your boyfriend. I've lost all control over Chris, well, I never had control over him in the first place. But yeah. Just be careful?

Sometimes at night, I can sort of hear you whispering into my ear. It's kind of scary! It must be from those sleepovers we had so often that I just keep hearing your stupid freaking voice. Do you hear my voice? I bet you don't. You haven't written to me since forever! Why is it that I find that I care more about you than you care about me? I feel like most of my relationships are like that anyways. I'm always the person who cares more and stresses over things more and tries to contact the other person more often. Is that a bad thing? I don't know, you're going to have to help me answer this one. I never thought it was a bad thing, it just makes me feel stupid.

Anyways. I have a midterm tomorrow. It's worth 50% of my mark! Can you wish me luck? Do you still read my blog? I have a feeling you don't, so you'll probably never read this letter. Maybe I'll print this off and send it to you when I have the time. What's your address now? I don't know your freaking address. Ugh. How about I just print it off and leave it in our box? What about your email? Is it the same? I hate how you haven't even tried to contact me! Because clearly it's easier for you to contact me than it is for me to contact you.

Anyways. I'll miss you. And you better be missing me right now.

Your crazy, totally random, and stubborn friend,
-Steph

Failure to See

Dearest,

I remember a friend telling me that she never knew how pessimistic I was. Of course, I wasn't angry that time, but there was something inside that told me how wrong that sounded. I am realistic. Of course, you're going to tell me that's what every pessimists call themselves these days. I told her, "You don't even know half the things I have to go through everyday." I've learned that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I don't see the glass half empty or half full. I try to see who's holding the glass and then predict how much there would be left depending on the person. I might underestimate how much there would be left but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm pessimistic, it just means I prepared myself for the worst.

And sometimes, even when I pack my bag and brace myself for the worst, far worst come and I'm so unprepared for it. So when things like that happen, how can she tell me I'm pessimistic when I can still smile everyday and she's the one running frantic about your future???

I think I am unprepared even when I try to be prepared because I still try to see the good in everything and everyone. And that takes so much more effort and trouble than you think. If I read too much into the situation, I'd be called over-analytical and taking-everything-personally, but if I don't try at all, then I'm dunce and blind. For instance, if a friend is annoyed, do I assume that she's annoyed with me or do I brush it off as her having a bad day? A pessimist would probably just call her a bitch. If a friend is late, do I assume that she just isn't as excited as I am to watch the movie or do I give her the benefit of the doubt that she's probably just stuck in a traffic jam? A pessimist would probably assume she died. So I guess... I'll accept being called blind but I do not accept being called a pessimist.

Just two days ago, the worst thing happened to me. Okay, it's actually not that bad now that I think over all the crap I had to go through in the past 20 years. But nonetheless, it hurt and it was embarrassing and I'm so disappointed in myself and I wish I didn't tell anyone about it.

Sometimes I don't know if I complain too much or if I really do go through so much more than the average person. I know everyone has their own problems but do they suffer as much as me?! I always assume that every weird thing I experience is very "typical" and "everyone-goes-through-it", but all this crap that happens just can't be normal. I don't tell everyone everything because I don't want to come across as a whiny bitch who just isn't grateful for the fact that she's living and isn't starving in Africa and dying of cancer or aids with 20 brothers and sisters who need food and clean water and probably a new roof because the storm last night blew it off.

Whether or not it's normal, I've sort of learned to live with my bad luck and my blindness. It's not that I don't *enjoy* learning and growing but sometimes I wish I was just smarter as a person. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be someone my mom can say, "Okay. Go out and have fun because I know you're a smart kid who can handle herself." And not, "Okay. Go out and have fun but... Don't talk to strangers or hobos. Drive slowly. Don't drink. And if you're driving along the road and you see a dead animal please don't stop and try to bury it in the grass, just drive around it."

Do you think there will come a day when I can just be me and be glad I am?

I've missed you. So much.

I hope you find it.

I thought I knew you so well. I thought you and I had a connection that only you and I would understand. You love me so much more than I could ever love you. I try to love you. No, I try to love you AS MUCH as you love me but I guess, it hasn't come to time where I can understand that strength of love.

As a very important person in your life, I just wish I could give you all the happiness in the world to makeup for all the times that I hurt you, to makeup for all the times I was insufficient in loving you. I try so hard to make things easier for you but because of time and distance, I'm unable to be everything that you want me to be.

I just want to see you happy. I always thought I knew the key to your happiness, I just couldn't get it for you. But now that I can get it for you, I realized that maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, another... flaw in my love for you.

I can't bring you your happiness like the way I thought I could. I wish I could say these words to you so you would understand how this makes me feel as a person, but I'm thinking this isn't the time or the place for it.

You probably thought there is probably more to life than what is given to you, and I promise you there is more. You just have to walk out a little farther, go a little deeper into that forest and I promise you, there is more for you out there. I wish I was strong enough to hold your hand and walk out there with you, but I'm not. I thought I could go out there myself and get it for you, but it's not what you wanted. I don't know what you want.

Whatever it is you're missing in your life, whatever it is you want, whatever it is that brings a smile to your face every morning, I hope you find it. And when you find it, it's not too late to appreciate it and hold onto it for the rest of your life.

I hope you find it.