Breathe.

As someone once said, "There are no failures, just experiences and your reactions to them." Some people cry a little before picking themselves back up, others talk and tell the world as a therapeutic way of releasing all the anger and pain, and a small group of people forget how to breathe. So yes, failures are just experiences but it your reactions to them can fail you.

And if all hope is lost...

We all have those days where everything just goes wrong, not like a coffee spill on your favourite shirt, but more along the lines of accidentally dropping your phone into the toilet while you're in a rush to get to the most important meeting of your life, or losing your mom's diamond ring which has been in the family for 15 generations, or having 10 bills come all at once when you've just been fired from your job. THOSE are the days I'm talking about.

Yesterday, I didn't know what happened, but when I turned on my laptop and tried to log into my user, I got an error. I couldn't access my own laptop! I have no guest or other users available, only my very own administrative account. The night before, I had just finished an assignment and sent it off to my prof. Thank goodness for that.

In a desperate attempt, I googled some feasible solution and ended up deleting my user account in order to access the computer. That meant all of my documents, lecture recordings, music and emails were completely gone. GONE. Afterwards, I tried to do damage control by searching for software to recover deleted files. No luck. All the lecture recordings that I hadn't listened to yet are completely gone. How am I going to study for this week's midterms?

I didn't do anything wrong, why is this happening to me?

So as of now, I've completely reformatted the computer, which increases my chances of never recovering anything back again, but at least it might get rid of the problem that caused all this. I still don't know WHY I wasn't able to log into my user profile today, I've never encountered that in all my years of technology problems and trust me... I've had many of them and to the oddest as well.

Lyrics:

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

I died a little inside... everything that I had worked so hard for this year is gone. I told myself that this year has GOT TO BE the year I turn everything around and succeed. I can't believe that I lost before I even started the race. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

I don't know many students in my classes, I can't just ask for recordings and notes. I don't know what to do. I'm not feeling very optimistic at the very moment. This entire laptop thing... has just fore-casted failure in a snowball-effect. How am I supposed to catch up now? How am I supposed to study for anything now? How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing that I had weeks to listen to those lecture recordings and I didn't and now they're all gone and unsalvageable?

How many do we get?

As kids we're told to make mistakes so we can learn from them, so we can grow, so we can become a better person than yesterday. What they didn't tell us is that there are some mistakes you can't learn from, there are some mistakes that can ruin you, and there are some that aren't meant to be made in the first place.

Mistakes.

I make so many mistakes in one day, sometimes, I think I'm so lucky to make it out at the end of the day alive. I know I'm human and humans make mistakes but sometimes the mistakes I make are SO bad that there's no way for me to go back. I know there are people out there who think they're perfect in every way, and they don't make mistakes. Those people are delusional and I refuse to stoop down to that level. I'm bigger than that. I will admit to my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will move on. That's what life is about, isn't it? Learning and growing and becoming a better person?

But even until today, there are mistakes that I wish I could take back and I just can't move on from them. I can't tell my friends about these mistakes because I know they will never forgive me. I know I can trust a good friend to not judge me but these are very detrimental mistakes that could ruin our friendship forever. I worked so hard to build my life back together. It's still not perfect yet but I'm working at it. I'm fixing my mistakes and trying to never make them again. Every single day it's a fight. But sometimes I feel like the past comes back to haunt me and I just can't escape it. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm no longer that person in the past and that I am a better person now, I still feel bad, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's always going to be apart of me and there's no way to escape it.

Sometimes I wish I had amnesia, or had someone to brainwash me. I know the past made me who I am today. I should be grateful for it for making me a better person but I can't help but think that I was once this horrible friend and it still lives inside me.

I can't forget. I will never forgive myself. But I guess, there are some things in life where you don't need to forgive and forget to find closure. Sometimes all you need is to know the reason for it. And the reason being that it made you a better person should be sufficient for you to close the file, finish the chapter, dot your i's and cross your t's and close your eyes at night.