What the future holds.

I don't know what the future holds. I think I've got the wrong mentality all along. I've been chasing after this dream of becoming a doctor when I should be working hard at what I have in front of me. I've never going to catch the dream if I keep tripping over my two feet. I need to balance myself. Steady my hands. Focus my eyes. And charge. I can't just keep mindlessly chasing or else I would never catch it.

I need to stop telling myself medical school because I know deep down that that dream will never leave me. I will always remember that my goal in life is to become a doctor. But there's no way I can do that if I all I think about is how I am going to get there. I have a life to live right now. It's been waiting for me and I've ignored it for way too long. I need to go back to my life. I am happy at where I am in life right now. I am happy. I may not be content, but I am happy.

I thought this entire journey of boycotting everyone and everything was so that I could find myself. I thought I was searching for a sense of identity. It wasn't until recently I realized that I know who I am, I know what I want to become, and I know where I'm going. I have a sense of identity. I've found it a long time ago and I've never lost it. Perhaps it's because I'm still perfecting myself that I feel like I don't know who I am, but I do. I am outgoing, bubbly and guarded. I am hard-working and a big fat procrastinator at the same time. I am a super crazy clean-freak. I am a little OCD that I find very much charming. I am passionate, hot-tempered, and optimistic. I can be depressed, twisted and hopeless when my hormones sway a certain way. I know who I am.

I realized that I wasn't looking for myself, but rather a place. What I've been searching for is a sense of belonging. I don't know where I belong. I know who I am but where do I fit in in this world? I want to be someone's favourite person, I want to be someone's person. I want to be the sun in someone's world. I want to change the world somehow, I want to make a dent in it so that I have marked my place on Earth to prove that I have lived. I want to be the best in something, make history and be remembered. I want to belong to a time, to a place, to a thing. I haven't found my little niche yet.

So I guess until then, I should keep working at being myself and I suppose, like tetris, I will eventually find a perfect fit for myself. What the saying? It's better to be alone than to not be and wish you were. I'm not in a rush, I've got plenty of things to do so until then, I will stop building walls. Instead, I'll build fences. Climbing fences are easier than breaking down walls.

Lady Gaga everywhere.

Every song that comes out, SOMEONE on youtube just HAS to say, "OMG. SHE'S COPYING LADY GAGA!!!" 

OMG. SHUT UP ALREADY!

I honestly do believe that Lady Gaga has changed music and entertainment altogether. Everything is abstract and supposed to hold "deeper meaning". APPARENTLY. Key word is APPARENTLY. Lady Gaga is very influential and she's definitely made her mark in the industry and no doubt, she'll be a legend. So why can't people just accept that and move on? Why must you point it out every time some artist dresses up like a freako? Obviously, people are following her footsteps, if you don't like the way I worded that, then I can say, people are following the "trend" in which SHE SET so... whatever. 

Ugh. No Lady Gaga anywhere. No one is COPYING HER. They are simply just following the trend. It's sort of like when skinny jeans came out... with Marilyn Monroe and they were just so UNCOOL in the 90's. But now everyone owns a pair. OMG, I'M COPYING MARILYN MONROE. Ugh.

Besides, times are changing, if you're watching an MV that actually makes sense, it's probably not going to sell anyways. Nice going Gaga. You managed to sell freakshow and sell it as "art". 

If I die young.

There's still a song I can't sing.

I can't write the melody without December.

Summer has left us a cold front residue 

with dead leaves by which to remember.

My hands and feet are always cold.

I shiver, not from cold, but from heat.

Where did it come from and where will it go?

Will my missing piece ever be complete?

The heat melted the ice from the mirror, 

I took another look before it was forever gone.

I fought the fog, the water drops, the bubbles to see

everything I had once thought was my written song.

My eyes couldn't open, I could feel my lips sewn.

I smelt a light, familiar, musky wisp of loneliness.
The big hand I once held left me long ago,
so long that I can find the words to condemn address.

There lies the quiet mouse, too afraid to whisper
the truth behind the lies that lie behind the wind.
The waves, the rain, the water is to cleanse
everything within sunlight's glint.

If I die young, take my heart and sell it for a dollar,
for it won't matter much too much later.
If I die young, the equation will finally equate,
with tears of joy that can finally dictate.

The Discovery of Evolution

First year sucked. Second year sucked even more. Now I'm in third year. Before I begin my little spazz on absolutely nothing important, I have to point out that I am not procrastinating at this moment, but simply taking a break from my History of Evolutionary Biology course.

I remember going into first year, taking the BIO150 course and ended up being very disappointed, not only because of my mark but because of the content taught. They taught us clouds and winds, soil and plants, rocks and animal habitat. The 101 course for biology in university should be HUMAN biology not WORLD biology. The content taught was dry and boring, I completely lost interest. The profs that taught the course were from the EEB department, the department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology. I swore to never take a course in that department.

How smart of me, eh? I learn from my mistakes. I took a road, didn't really like it, and never went on it again.

I stuck to the HMB department, human biology department. Why, you ask? Because that's what I've always loved my entire life. Please, when I was 8, I read books on the human digestive tract. No joking! I didn't fare too well in my second year courses. I figured it was because I didn't study hard enough or the profs were just in a terribly bad mood when writing the test questions.

Of course, the former and the latter, I'm sure, did play a big part in my failure in second year as I refused to admit that my level of interest had nothing to do with it. I LOVEd HUMAN BIOLOGY. I LOVEd PSYCHOLOGY.

It wasn't until this year, I went to the HMB department for some counselling and they pointed out reasons why I wasn't doing so well then everything made sense. I knew what I wanted to study, but I was, in fact, in the wrong program. At that time, I was doing a major in Cell & Systems biology and a major in Neuroscience and a minor in Physiology.

Sure, those majors are from the HMB department... BUT... the courses required for the program were not my field of interest. I didn't like studying tiny invisible molecules or mixing God-knows-what substance with each other for a mere colour change. I had absolutely no interest in learning about how alpha, beta, gamma motifs made up proteins. Proteins are about as small as I'm willing to go in terms of size and depth, but we were learning THINGS THAT MADE UP PROTEINS, AND THINGS THAT MADE UP THE THINGS THAT MADE PROTEINS! WHAT?!

Call me shallow, but I refuse to dive into such depth of knowledge because it was absolutely useless. Not useless to the world of science but useless to me. It didn't satisfy my need to see the big picture. It didn't satisfy my need to learn the human body and behaviour.

So I switched programs. I kept my neuroscience major only, not because I wanted to, but because I've wasted too much time on it to give up on it now. I'll simply just throw it onto my list of challenges I have to overcome. I can't have everything I want in life. I am now a Behaviour specialist. Scary, I know. The word specialist gives me a burden because anyone who is a "specialist" in science almost equates the Holy Jesus.

I thought it would take a while for me to "settle down" and take in the new program. I mean, my classes have completely re-allocated from the Con Hall area to the Robarts area. It feels much closer to home, no pun intended. Little did I know that I am simply in love with all my courses this year. These courses do feel like a lot more work but I can actually, pretty much, stay awake in all my classes in which most of them are back to back. I haven't been to the labs yet and I have a feeling they're going to be completely different. The last 2 years my labs were always indoors, with a white lab coat and goggles. This year, most of my labs are either outdoors, where I collect my data, or in a computer lab, where I do statistic analysis on the data I've collected. I don't know if this is what I want yet. I have my labs tomorrow.

Hopefully, all goes well so I can say that I absolutely ADORE my new programs and that I have no regrets on such a big move in the middle of my undergraduate years.

As for my minor, I've jumped from Physiology to East Asian Studies. I'm not focused on completing a minor, I hope I can finish it but if I can't, it's not the end of the world. A specialist and a major is all I need to graduate with a Honours Bachelor of Science.

Optimism at it's best.

Life would've been too easy for me to just graduate just like that.

I'm way too good to be given the easy route out of this. Trust me, I may not know what I can or can't handle but God would never give me something I can't handle.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not religious but I do believe there is a higher being watching over everything. And though this higher being may not be driving the ship, it surrounds the ship as waves and winds.

I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, what's taken must be given back.

Everyone lives their life in their own way at their own pace with their own reasons. I'm not to judge.

There's always a way out. I don't believe that when a door closes another one opens or some stupid window out of nowhere just randomly pops out for you.

If life were a row of doors, some would already open for you the day you're born. They're there ready for you to walk through it in which you're faced with another set of doors... some are open and some are not. Time and choices within and beyond our control closes these doors. But did we forget that doors have the ability to be open? To be unlocked and opened again? When a door closes in life, why can't we just unlock it and open it again? Why can't we wait to see if someone can open it for us? Why MUST we walk through another door or climb into another window? I mean... if that door is so stubborn and refuses to open, then perhaps its better to move on. But why move into another home so quickly when you already had one to begin with?

I don't believe in new beginnings or happy endings. There's no fresh start. I don't believe every day is a brand new day for you to start again. What you did yesterday is still there, what you didn't do yesterday is still behind you, and what you wanted to do yesterday will always be the regret you wish you didn't taste. Karma may be a circle but life isn't. You don't go around and around... life is a line, hence the existence of timelines in history. There are no new beginnings, no way recover the damage you've done, no way to preserve the success you've accomplished. Killing someone, going to jail and finally coming out doesn't mean you have a fresh start. Your crime is on paper, in records, in memories. The circle doesn't start again, you have a past, you have history, your timeline has time done on it.

Move on and do better. You may be haunted by your past but those are consequences that you will never be able to rid. Try and you'll simply be living in another reality that doesn't exist. Second chances don't exist for you to make up for what you did, you can only do better. You're only human. I don't even think God can stop time, redo time or make up for time, so why do you even bother trying?

No one lives a perfect life without mistakes and shame. We are all guilty whether other people know the lies we've told to the world or to ourselves. You will never walk on a path that you can't handle. God may not open doors but I'm sure God doesn't build walls or dead ends.

So do what you didn't do yesterday, and though you can't make up for the fact that you didn't do it yesterday,  the fact that it's late and overdue, but at least you did it. It's written on your timeline now.

I don't believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think whatever doesn't kill you may make you smarter and more experienced but not stronger. People who can heart attacks and live aren't more immune to them. In fact, they're more likely to get heart attacks again than someone who hasn't experienced one before. Catching a cold or a bacterial infection builds your immune system, making it smarter as it learns new ways to protect you in the future, your immune system isn't stronger. If your immune system meets a new infection, it won't be able to protect you. Your failures don't make you a stronger person and it wouldn't be fair if it did. Someone who's gone to jail isn't on equal levels as someone who hasn't. A criminal record doesn't kill you but it doesn't make you stronger. So where in the world did this idea of almost being killed makes you stronger? But who needs to be strong anyways, isn't the whole point of life to live?! Isn't that why we climb mountains and go sky diving? So that we can experience both sides of every story? A strong person does die. What's the meaning of strong to you if you don't even know what it means to be weak?

I do believe in destiny. I do believe things out of our control happen. But all that happens for a reason. God won't give us anything we can't handle. And if he does, that's what I call death, lol.

20 years of timeline already drawn. And though I've complained for the last 20 years about how much my life just shitty sucks, I think I've found a way to appreciate it.

That's optimism at it's best. Seriously.

我不懂我在做什麼

Enough said.

I want a wikipedia page.

It's too hard to explain.

Too much thinking is useless.

I have a midterm tomorrow that I need to nail.

Why do I feel so empty right now?

其实。。。

我不想当医生。

我终于够勇敢说出来。我真的不想读怎么多，那让后出来只可以做医生。

当然，做医生没有什么不好。但是，心理中我还有另外一个非常大，非常浓的梦想。

我觉得做医生，虽然很难，但是很多人都会支持我，会鼓励我。别人会觉得我是一个努力和有新的女生。

我真的梦，没有人会同意。如果我悬着走哪个路，我知道是一个非常长和迷暗的路。我很怕我要自己走。

现在。。。我还没确定做什么。。。我不知道应该走哪一个路是对的。

天啊。。。帮我！

Slow Me Down

It's been a while since I've posted a blog entry. I don't know why I keep on telling myself to post something up but every time I sit down at the computer, I lose the motivation to do so.

So let's start off with Thursday. I actually don't quite remember what happened on Thursday... It was a day after exams and I think I just sat at home and watched videos and caught up with dramas. I -think- that's what I did anyways, I can't imagine what else I could've done that day.

On Friday. I went to WONDERLAND. It was CRAZY fun. Of course, I was a chicken throughout the day, but my friends practically almost dragged me on every ride. I'm so grateful they did it lol. Because even though during each ride, I felt, LITERALLY FELT, like I was heading towards death, I still found it so exhilarating at the end of every ride!!! Well, except for bumper cars and like... the Merry-Go-Round. LOL. I chickened out at the Behemoth. I knew that my Wonderland experience would not be complete without it but the MOMENT I saw how steep the roller coaster is, I just backed out. My friends did try really hard to get me on it, but I stood my ground. They told me that after I left, they rode it FOUR more times. I've got such gutsy friends. I felt kind of bad because the whole time I was pretty much like, "How long is the ride? Is it scary? Which is scarier? Do I feel that "feeling" in my stomach?" And everyone actually answered all my questions and tried to convince me to go on the all the rides. I know for sure without them, I probably wouldn't have gone on anything. It was my second time there, the first time, I went when I was 5 or something and I swore never to go back again. So THIS time I really wanted to make the most out of it because I don't know when will be the next time I go back. I don't visit Wonderland often and it's not a place I would WANT to visit often. I think to have fun at Wonderland you have to go with the right people because if you go with people who are too scared to go on rides and you, yourself, are too chicken to go on the rides as well, then you've just wasted all that money to just ENTER Wonderland and walk around and do nothing.

The food in Wonderland is so shitty expensive. A foot long hot dog is like 8 bucks, 3 of us actually split that hot dog, partially because it was expensive and also because we weren't all that hungry. When you go on all those rides, your stomach doesn't know how to feel hungry... lol. The ENTIRE day, I had a little bit of rice in the morning, 1/3 of a hot dog and at the end of the day I wasn't all that hungry after ALL that walking and running around and screaming. I also tried FUNNEL CAKE!!! It was 10 bucks, and we split it with the 4 of us. It was pretty good. If I went by myself, I'd definitely spend 10 bucks on it. I wouldn't find it a waste of money, I think the only wasteful part of getting a funnel cake for $10 is the fact that I wouldn't be able to finish it. It's not THAT big but it's the kind of stuff that's only REALLY good for the first 5 bites and then it's just gross.

Friday was a really good day for me. I had so much fun. 10 hours at Wonderland. TEN HOURS!!!

In the morning, I bussed down to Wonderland by Viva to Major Mac and then taking the 4 bus to the front of the amusement park. And the problem with me is that I assume that if I go there one way, I EXPECT to come back the same way. Little did I know that at 8PM most of the buses at Jane and Major Mac weren't running anymore! So I had to figure out some crazy route to get back to Yonge Street before ALL the buses around the area stop running.

I met up with a friend later that night as well and we talked at Mcdonalds. I shouldn't have gotten myself Frutopia and fries, I'm already on a diet so all that exercising I did during the day would've all gone to waste if I just started shoving junk food into my body again. But she needed comfort food. I don't know, when I'm sad, junk food = comfort food. LOL.

OH. I REMEMBER WHAT I DID THURSDAY. I went to the doctor and apparently... he found out why I have that gurgling noise in my throat. It's because I'm suffering from acid reflux... LOL. Strange eh? I have acid reflex. I asked the doctor, "Is it NORMAL for a female at the age of TWENTY to be experiencing heart burn?" And he's like, "Well... stress changes everything."

On Saturday I had a family dinner to attend, only to find that 1/2 my cousins didn't show up so I was bored shitless. Hmm... is it weird... to be attracted to your cousin's son? LOL. My cousin is older than me and her son is one year older than me and honestly, he's so hot. LOL. I know it's incestuous but I'm just wondering if this happens to people. See the thing is, research has suggested that the only reason siblings (likely of opposite sex) do not show an attraction towards each other is because they grew up together. When you grow up with someone, for some reason, you lose that sense of attraction. BUT. If two siblings were raised in different environments and then brought together without knowing that they're siblings, they would likely find each other very attractive because they share similar DNA and pheromes. My cousin's son, I technically should call him my nephew but I refuse to call him that because:

1. He has to call me aunt then. And that makes me sound old.

2. He's OLDER than me. Aunt's should not be younger than their nephews... that's so weird.

3. He's hot. OKAY?!

So ever since we were kids, I would just call him my cousin and I've always seen him as my cousin and I don't give him any pocket money on New Years or anything neither does he expect any from me. LOL. Ugh. Why am I even talking about this? This is so gross.

Anyways. Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor's again and then I have volunteering... I sort of made plans with a friend to go to the OSC but I don't know if I want to go now. I'm kind of lazy. I'll think about it and text her tonight I guess.

What else is new? Oh. School. What am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! Okay. I figured out my problem I think. My problem is that I'm in too much of a rush to finish school. I refuse to slow down and assess my situation. Every time I fail, I say to myself, "I didn't study hard enough. Study harder next time." And that's the end of it. I charge towards the finish line, not really caring about all the rocks and obstacles in between. I thought I would be completely fine falling down, getting hurt, scrapes and bruises and all as long as I make it to the finish line. It doesn't matter how I get there, as long as I get there. But I never really thought, what if because of all these cuts and bruises, I don't make it to the finish line. What if it's better to stop running and to just walk for a minute or two and start pacing myself again? What if it's actually better to stop charging at the finish line and look at the path I'm running on and SEE who my other competitors are, and SEE what they're doing, and LOOK at where I am in the race? I think everything has happened so fast and I feel like if I don't stop and think now, before I know it, I'll be standing on stage to get my Bachelors degree but I won't have the marks to pursue further education.

So right now. I'm giving myself a second chance. I have a week to prepare myself for the second chance that I'm giving myself. I've taken the time to slow down and think about why I'm not studying hard enough and why I can't concentrate.

This week has been so crazy. I've made plans for this entire week and the next. This is the perfect time to put my plan to the test =D *fingers cross* I hope it works.

My thoughts on G20:

There's no real cause anymore, just riots and idiots downtown making a mess and then asking the government to clean it up using our tax dollars. Geniuses.

I have reached a dead end.

There are no more emergency exits, no more u-turns, no more helicopter rescues. I've used up all my lifelines, my health meter is beeping red and I can no longer call a friend. I have reached a dead end. What am I going to do? How am I going to pull this one off? How am I going to write this to have a happy ending?

It's now or never. No more second chances. No more redos. This is it. I have reached the very dead end. I mean the absolute dead end. If I can't find a way out soon, I'm going die. Well, maybe not die but everything will end pretty tragically. Tragically. Yes, tragically, a word that I don't use often but in this case it is very appropriate.

I don't have a plan! I don't have a backup plan! I don't have anything to work with right now. I'm just going to charge forward and wing it??? That's never worked out all that well for me but I don't know what else I can do right now. And I have no one to turn to right now because it's my own battle, it's a fight that I have to win myself. I have a feeling if I can get through this, it's going to solve a lot of other problems. But what if I can't solve it? What does it mean? What if I don't get through this? Am I seriously out of the game for good?

I've been having such bad dreams lately, seriously. Not nightmares but bad dreams, just yesterday I had a dream that someone was out to kill my brother and I. The setting was at our old house not our new one. Somehow we got chased up to my bedroom and my brother and I were trapped inside and I was trying to hold the door shut as the killer was banging it open. I told my brother to help me push against it so I can start pushing stuff to the door to you know... put weight on our side so the killer can't open the door so easily. But my brother was SO UNRELIABLE!!! He kept on slacking off, like one point he just walked away from the door and the killer almost opened it and I had to run to like slam the door shut! Okay, I can't describe it but I can still see it in my head very clearly. Point is, I was so upset at that point because 1. We were probably going to die and 2. When we were both FIGHTING for our lives, my brother still could not be someone I can trust and lean on.

I don't think I over-analyze my dreams, in fact, I think it's my dreams that help me realize a lot of my unconscious thoughts. It's not that my brother and I don't like each other but lately, not really lately, a while now, after he's got a new girlfriend I can feel him drifting away from everyone in the family. Back then, he was ALREADY in a rebellious stage where spending time with family was not exactly something on his to-do list. And now it's EVEN WORST. Does this happen to everyone who gets into a relationship? The moment you find a girl/boyfriend, you immediately forget about everyone else and all you care about is the other person? He/she is the ONLY thing on your mind? Is that the way it really is????? Because if that's the case, I hope I don't fall in love. Geez. I hate how his entire world just revolves around her and no one else matters. There are OTHER people in your life who still take care of you, feed you, and watch over you, you absolutely have no right to just be such a jerk to everyone but your ONE girlfriend, WHO PROBABLY still can't do shit for you except say the useless words "I love you". Why is it that once people find a partner, they can just throw away everything? Like in movies, people go, "Let's just leave EVERYTHING BEHIND AND RUN AWAY." Isn't that so selfish? Yes you love this person and yes this person loves you, but so do the other 10 people you were planning to leave behind. Besides, usually the person you fall in love with is someone you've just known in recent years, whereas your family and your friends, you've known them for so much longer. You've had so much more history with all the people you're planning to leave behind. Those people were THERE FOR YOU when your freaking girl/boyfriend wasn't! So how do people prioritize all this?

Of course, I'm saying this based on absolutely no experience. I hope I don't become a hypocrite and end up running off with my boyfriend and marrying him in some small island. I can't see that happening just because I love my parents too much to just leave them for anyone but I can't seem to understand the other side right now. Or maybe unconsciously I'm just cranky that I don't have a boyfriend I'm just being sour grapes at the moment.

Ugh. How did I get so sidetracked?! Back to the point. I have to save myself right now.

The ground's tatoos

The bright lit moon-- it was really round today-- somehow, it brought out the scum on the ground. I realized how much scum there actually was. What is scum? Is it gum that people just spit out? And because it's stepped on by so many people that it turned black?

Why do people spit out gum? I guess the most obvious reason is because they're too lazy to walk over to the nearest garbage can and spit it out there. But like... how hard can it possibly be? Unless... they had the intention of ruining a perfectly new sidewalk because they couldn't stand the sight of it. Or maybe, they wanted to be the first ones ruining it because... I don't know, people take satisfaction in the strangest things.

All that gum on the ground must not be healthy. I wonder if people even acknowledge it like I do? I think most people just walk mindlessly-- I mean as long as its not dog shit or a $50 bill, why bother noticing? But for the people who do notice, doesn't it bother you that a perfectly new sidewalk would have to be replaced just because of all the scum on it? I mean, that all could've easily been prevented. And I think, wouldn't it just be easier to get someone to scrape off all that scum than to just replace the entire sidewalk. It would probably be cheaper too. It would be good community service, maybe even get some people to stop spitting out gum so casually on the ground if they knew someone was actually out there cleaning it up.

But if the gum was scraped off, the only difference it makes is that it's not seen anymore. It doesn't change the fact that it was once there. But does that matter? Wouldn't it be funny if you scrape off the gum and because the gum had been covering that patch of ground, the colour of it would be "newer" than the rest of the sidewalk. So doesn't that signify that the piece of gum was once there and even though you've removed it, it doesn't change the fact that there was once an asshole who decided to spit out the gum. But maybe the asshole wasn't an asshole, what if the person was chewing the piece of gum and just realized and he/she was allergic to it and had to spit it out. You know. Life/death situation? Whatever. How am I supposed to know? Point is though, the scum mark would still be there. Nothing's going to change that. So what's the difference between scraping off that piece of gum and just leaving it there? The fact that it's black if it's there and after you remove it, it's white? Either way, it's still discolouration... White blends in better than black?

Still doesn't change the fact that you'll know a piece of shitty gum was once there.

So I guess the best way to get rid of it is to get a new sidewalk... It's going to cost a crapload of money but at least it solves the problem. But that's a lot of time and money. Is it even worth it? That's like so many tax payers money going into aesthetic purposes. I mean, the sidewalk works and functions like a sidewalk, there are no safety concerns, why get a new one just because it looks ugly. But I guess it could really bother some people. I know some people who just have to bitch about everything out there, I don't know if they seriously care that the sidewalk is tainted or if they just need something to bitch about because they have nothing better to do in their time. What about saving animals? I'd rather they bitch about that. But I guess if it really bothers them and they want it changed, then I guess that's good ambitions for them! I can't stand the people who just bitch about it for the sake of bitching about something. Who's the bitching for? For themselves? I don't know. Maybe some people just need to tell themselves that they have an opinion and that they are their own person. Crazy people. For others? Maybe some people just need other people to know their thoughts. You know. Crazy people.

For me? Maybe they bitch to me about it because they know I'm a gum-spitter, subtly suggesting to me that I'm not a good person. Well, not really that subtle but obviously they're too stupid to tell. I'm not angry, just bitter. I'm just bitter that these stupid gum-spitters won't stop, and that these stupid bitches won't stop bitching. Mostly the bitches. Ugh. Whatever. Just rip the sidewalk up already. In the end, as long as no one gets hurt, everyone wins.

New Layout

I think I've really improved on not changing my layout so often. I'm proud. Sorta. I guess I have better things to do now.

So I've been thinking about it and finally I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not going to do anything. Okay, I haven't been thinking about it A LOT but it has been on my mind. I was thinking what would be the RIGHT thing to do to just find closure in all of this. And I think the best option is just to leave it alone. I don't need to clean up the mess that no one really sees or cares about. The only reason why I want to clean it up is because -I- see it and -I- care about it but I think it's come to a point where I don't -want- to care about it anymore even though I do. It's so long gone and just history. Why dig it up to clean it up? It's not like I don't have enough on my hands already.

I don't find it necessarily wrong for me to just leave it there, after all, I wasn't the only one who made the mess. Whether or not you decide to take responsibility of it is up to you, but it doesn't concern me anymore nor do I need you to acknowledge your responsibility in order for me to move on. If you ever decide to come back and clean up the mess, I won't be there to help you just because I've waited long enough and I gave you so many chances to prove me wrong. And if you never come back or if you never cared, then I know I've made the right decision today. It may have taken me longer to figure it out but you know the drill, "Better late than never."

I've been so tired of waiting with all the pieces in my hands, trying to understand it, justify it, put it back together somehow so I wouldn't have to feel so bad about breaking it in the first place. But I guess we were both too quick to judge, you only saw the bad, when I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt. So I'm done. The pieces are there. I'm not even going to bother burying it because I don't give a shit anymore and I'm just going to move the fuck on.

Nothing gold can stay

I loved it. I really loved it. It was my life at one point. It was my entire life at one point. I think at one point, I loved it more than I loved myself.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I thought that love would never end. I thought it would last forever.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily.

It doesn't make me excited and happy anymore. It doesn't flawlessly and effortlessly bring a smile to my face anymore. I just don't care about it anymore.

I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I wish I didn't though. I wish I still loved it. I wish I could hold onto it. I wish I didn't grow out of it so fast.

I feel kind of bad. I almost kind of feel guilty that I stopped loving it. And it's not that I only stopped loving it, I stopped caring about it altogether. It actually kind of makes me a little bit sick, like the feeling of eating too much chocolate cake.

Maybe if I wait a while I might love it again. But I doubt it. It's sad that I don't miss it. I just miss loving it.

Goodbye Teen Years

No longer a teenager. Yet I feel no motivation to "grow up" or change my ways to become a real adult.

I do feel old, I must admit but that's probably the only feeling I'm feeling right now. I can't believe when people ask me now, I'm going to say, "20".

20 is like the real age of an adult. It's wrong for a 40 year old to date a 19 year old, but it's okay for a 40 year old to date a 20 year old. It just seems less wrong. And when you're 20, people are supposed to take you seriously. And I sort of feel like I need a new wardrobe... lol. My closet is still full of so much kid-ish clothing. But it's the kid stuff that's more comfortable, I hate adult clothing, there's all these ruffles and it's made of "nice" fabric that's so easily damaged. And it's usually dry clean or hand wash. Ugh... And adult clothing is usually only good looking if you buy it to fit you, whereas teenage clothing can be loose and baggy. Sigh. Yeah. I need new clothes.

I need new accessories. I have all these teenage bracelets and earrings and necklaces. LOL! Whatever. I think I'll keep them until I feel ready to give them up. I don't feel like a real 20 year old right now I just feel the need to grow up BECAUSE I'm 20.

In the last 2 hours of my teenage years, I spent it on Youtube, stuffing myself with food, and procrastinating. Sounds like a good way to say goodbye to my teens. Sigh.

Oh. And did I mention that Sherry finally freaking damn got dropbox. SIGH. Took so much push and pull but I finally got her to get dropbox. And surprisingly, it wasn't as painful of a process as I thought it would be.
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What I got out of my teenage years:

1. Never tell a boy you like him.
That's a big no-no. It's one thing to actively pursue the guy and it's another thing to tell him straight in the face. I did that once and it ruined my entire life. LOL. Okay, not my entire life but it ruined a lot of things.

2. Hormones do crazy things to you.
Sometimes when I'm really stressed, I get all these crazy feelings and ideas and emotions. So when I'm tired, stressed, angry, depressed, or emotional, I do not make any decisions. Because I know after a good meal, clean shower, and a good night sleep, everything changes the next morning.

3. Never say never.
I once told myself and a lot of people that I would not listen to music in languages that I do not understand. LOL. That completely changed. I also once said that I do not believing in lying. Ever. That completely changed too. I also once said I would never go to UofT. Pffft. Okay. Point is, the future is unpredictable, the impossible is possible.

4. I'm really good a cramming.
I can read a whole novel, write an essay and still get a decent mark, all in a matter of 10 hours. It merits some kind of credit, doesn't it?

5. I like stress.
As much as I bitch about it every single damn day of my fucking life, I always go looking for it. When I'm not stressed, I'll find something to stress myself over about and when I solve it, I complain about how boring my life is. And the next day I'll find something to stress over again and the cycle repeats.

6. Sleep is so important.
Sleep is not a waste of time. Never go a day, 24 hours, without sleeping, your brain starts to play funky mind games with you. And isn't there this crazy rule where if you miss one whole day without sleep, you have to sleep 48 hours to make up for it. Uh. Not cool.

7. Happiness is really hard to get.
I think when I was a kid, the smallest things would bring a smile to my face. Now, if you give me candy, I'd probably whack you with it. If I found a million dollars on the ground, I'd stress over what to do with it. I would go through an internal debate only to decide to return the money in the end. If I got a 4.0 GPA, I would stress over the need to maintain it FOREVER. Yeah, it's very hard for me to be happy. LOL. Well, long-term happiness anyways, I'm not some depressed emo kid who doesn't know how to laugh.

8. Family really matters.
No matter how much I argue with them or how much I say I hate them in the moment, at the end of the day, they would always be there for me. Always. At least... that's what I think. LOL.

9. Good friends are hard to come by.
So really treasure them when you have them.

10. Good music, good movies, good work-out, good food.
I need more of those in my life. And more clothes. And more shoes. And more handbags. And throw in a 4.0 GPA somewhere.

I'm not afraid to fail.

I think last year and this year has proven to me that I can fail even if I try not to. In high school, I always thought that I would have to TRY to fail but of course, that was high school, not the real world.

Sherry told me that she wants to work to live whereas I would want to live to work. And for the longest time I agreed with what she said because I really want a job that I like and actually be able to wake up every morning and say, "Yay! Work!" LOL. But for Sherry, she would OBVIOUSLY prefer a job that she'll enjoy but at the end of the day, she just wants a job that can put food on the table.

But now that I think about it, I think I actually want to work to live not live to work. Even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a job that I'll enjoy, I think I put a lot of things ahead of career. My family, friends, happiness, seeing the world, experiencing new things... Sometimes I feel like I won't be able to get all of that if I'm so dedicated to my job or my work.

University of Toronto has changed my perception to EVERYTHING. And I guess in some way for the better. I want to do well, I will still aim for that 4.0 every year, but along the way, I want to make friends, be a good friend, experience things and just really live.

I remember first year, I SERIOUSLY considered just throwing myself in front of a bus because I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like such a useless person. I wasn't suffering from depression, I was just stressed. But marks and a high GPA does not define who I am as a person. Marks get you really far in life, without them, you would probably be closing a lot of doors. However, I'd rather be self-fulfilled and happy with limited opportunities than to be a person with a high GPA with a lot of greatness ahead of me but just be a completely empty person.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I would like to live comfortably without having to worry about my bills or if I can get my kids to university, but I don't need all the money in the world. And if I did have a lot of money in the world, I'd probably end up giving so much of it away to friends, family and charity.

I remember this one time, the jackpot was $20 million for 6/49, and a friend asked me what I would do with that money if I won. Honestly, I would probably give away $1 million to each of my close friends because I think I only have about 5-6 close friends. I would donate $6-7 million to charity. And most people would think, "OH MY GOD, you're giving it all away!"

No. I would still have around $9 million or so. I would keep $2 million and give the rest to my mom. And maybe give something to my brother, lol, I can't forget him. As much as I rant about how much I just want to sleep for the rest of my life and do nothing, deep down, I don't want that. lol. My entire life I've been so busy and stressed, and sometimes I say things like that because I just WANT A DAMN BREAK FROM IT ALL. But after a month of nothing, I would probably want to head out to the battlefield again and stress myself out all over again. Just because I won the lottery, I would never quit my job, unless of course, I was like 50, then I might just want an early retirement.

You guys may think that I'm probably just "making this up" and if I really did win $20 million, I wouldn't be handing out money like that. Well, I'm saying this as if I were an adult and I was a doctor whose living comfortably. I mean, if I won the money NOW, I'd probably just give it all to my parents. LOL. And of course, if I were a hobo and I won that money, I'd obviously use it on myself first since I would probably not have any friends to give the money to, lol. And if I DID have friends, I would probably have borrowed so much money from them, so I would use that money to pay off my debts WITH interest. LOL. But bottom line is, I don't see why any ONE person would need $20 million. There are people out there who need it more than you do. And it's not even about fairness, the fact that someone is worst off than you and you're the one who’s masked in the luxury of the money and they're suffering, it's about humanity, helping those who NEED it more than you do, doing the RIGHT thing, being a HUMAN being who has FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and has the ability to feel SYMPATHY.

I guess I'm writing this just because I feel like the majority of the people are warped in another mindset. It would be wrong for me to say, "Just be a good person, that's all you need in life. Don't worry about your marks, don't worry about your job. Don't worry at all! Just be a good person."

You should be strong, smart and knowledgeable of the world, fight for what you believe in, love your friends and family, be happy, live your life and live it as a good person.

But of course, if everyone was like that in this world, there wouldn't be any wars or fights. And the government wouldn't need to spend millions of dollars every year on research for nuclear weapons instead of putting it towards cancer research. Ugh... can you believe we're wasting money on FINDING ways to kill each other? I think that's so ridiculous. Like pollution, chemicals, viruses, and all the radiation out there isn't enough to kill us, we need to develop more ways to a faster death.

I hate leaving home.

I sound like such a big cry baby. But I hate having to go back to that stupid apartment. I'm leaving tomorrow noon since I have to be down there around 4 to finish up some Science Rendezvous stuff. I'm so glad that next week I can just leave that place forever. I'm thinking that since exams start, there really is no reason for me to stay there and live with people who are such losers. I might as well just come home once exams begin and live in a nicer and friendlier environment.

This year has been so rough. I just want it to end. Some dead person once said that there were no failures in life, just experiences and your reactions to them. I'd like to agree with that but honestly, what do you mean there are no failures in life?! Getting 2/10 on my quiz is not just an experience and MY mere reaction to it, it's a COMPLETE failure on my part. LOL. Although this entire year felt like a complete EPIC failure to me, I guess I can say, in this case, it was just ONE BIG LIFE EXPERIENCE and a lesson well-taught. Lessons well-taught.

1. Never ever freaking sign contracts without thinking. NEVER. Think of the worst that can happen and IMAGINE it actually happening. And then imaging LIVING in that condition for the date specified in the contract. No matter how small the chance of it happening, you still need to consider it.

2. Not all your friends will like you. I guess I sort of always knew this. I've always categorized friends into four groups:

a. LEECHES. Friends who only want to take take take take take from you. They know you got the goods and so they just want in on some of it. They pretend to be your BEST FRIEND whenever they need something but after that, they won't even remember your name. I don't have any goodies, so I don't really attract these types of people. I'm not rich or smart or have amazing connections, so I don't really worry about meeting leeches.

b. MONKEYS. I scratch your back and you scratch mine. These are the people who use you and you use them back. It's an unspoken rule but it's very clear that you two are just "friends"... with side benefits. A real friendship is unlikely to develop but it can possibly happen. Your friendship is like a business transaction. I tend to have many of these types of friends and I don't really mind. I mean, these are the people in my lectures, I send them notes when they're sick and they send me recordings that I need. We're on friendly terms. We'll sometimes call each other up and rant to each other about how much our professors suck but other than that, that's as far as our friendship goes.

c. ANTS. Your neutral everyday friend. They are everywhere. For example, the classmate who once shared a cookie with you on her birthday, and then you two realized that you both love Pokemon. And... that's the end of it. These types of friendships are usually awkward because usually the both of you have different ideas of how close you two actually are and you never know whether or not you can ask them out for coffee or borrow their notes without looking like a poser or a user. I meet a lot of these people and they're nice to have around. These are the people that I actually treat pretty well just because it's better to have a friend than an enemy. However, they're also people I know I don't "click" with and so they only remain ants. On the exterior, I feel like they're nice, good people. However, I can't give any other sort of deeper impression of them since I don't know them that well.

d. PANDAS. Rare. Good friends. Not necessarily the ones you can ALWAYS count on but the ones you "click" with. It's hard to explain this click. They're not always the people who treat you well or the ones that actually really care about you, but they're the ones who just understand you. They may not be able to keep secrets, or give advice, or be that shoulder for you to cry on, but they get you. I'm strange and all over the place and so to find someone who gets me, I cling on and like NEVER EVER WANT TO LET THEM GO.

3. Not everyone makes it their obligation to be nice. This I had to learn the hard way. I always thought that the only reason there were nasty people out there was because 1. they were having a bad day and they weren't actually nasty or 2. they put up a facade because something bad happened to them in the past. LOL. BUTTTTTTTT. Now I know there are just nasty people out there because they were just born that way or they were just raised that way, I don't know.

4. Seek help when needed. I always thought I could handle everything myself, but that's so far from the truth. This year, I think I asked for help in every possible direction, from friends to counsellors, to lawyers, to parents. It's a good thing. You shouldn't be ashamed of it, there are people out there who do know more than you and will probably be able to give you a clear and more rational layout of the entire situation.

5. Always try. You may not succeed, you may never succeed but that's not an excuse for not trying. It's better to try and fail then to just not try at all. I think sometimes when I know I'm going to fail, I just don't try because I think, "Why bother? The results will be the same." But the process of trying and failing actually feels different from not trying at all and failing. There is a difference.

Mistakes.

I make so many mistakes in one day, sometimes, I think I'm so lucky to make it out at the end of the day alive. I know I'm human and humans make mistakes but sometimes the mistakes I make are SO bad that there's no way for me to go back. I know there are people out there who think they're perfect in every way, and they don't make mistakes. Those people are delusional and I refuse to stoop down to that level. I'm bigger than that. I will admit to my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will move on. That's what life is about, isn't it? Learning and growing and becoming a better person?

But even until today, there are mistakes that I wish I could take back and I just can't move on from them. I can't tell my friends about these mistakes because I know they will never forgive me. I know I can trust a good friend to not judge me but these are very detrimental mistakes that could ruin our friendship forever. I worked so hard to build my life back together. It's still not perfect yet but I'm working at it. I'm fixing my mistakes and trying to never make them again. Every single day it's a fight. But sometimes I feel like the past comes back to haunt me and I just can't escape it. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm no longer that person in the past and that I am a better person now, I still feel bad, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's always going to be apart of me and there's no way to escape it.

Sometimes I wish I had amnesia, or had someone to brainwash me. I know the past made me who I am today. I should be grateful for it for making me a better person but I can't help but think that I was once this horrible friend and it still lives inside me.

I can't forget. I will never forgive myself. But I guess, there are some things in life where you don't need to forgive and forget to find closure. Sometimes all you need is to know the reason for it. And the reason being that it made you a better person should be sufficient for you to close the file, finish the chapter, dot your i's and cross your t's and close your eyes at night.