Optimism at it's best.

Life would've been too easy for me to just graduate just like that.

I'm way too good to be given the easy route out of this. Trust me, I may not know what I can or can't handle but God would never give me something I can't handle.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not religious but I do believe there is a higher being watching over everything. And though this higher being may not be driving the ship, it surrounds the ship as waves and winds.

I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, what's taken must be given back.

Everyone lives their life in their own way at their own pace with their own reasons. I'm not to judge.

There's always a way out. I don't believe that when a door closes another one opens or some stupid window out of nowhere just randomly pops out for you.

If life were a row of doors, some would already open for you the day you're born. They're there ready for you to walk through it in which you're faced with another set of doors... some are open and some are not. Time and choices within and beyond our control closes these doors. But did we forget that doors have the ability to be open? To be unlocked and opened again? When a door closes in life, why can't we just unlock it and open it again? Why can't we wait to see if someone can open it for us? Why MUST we walk through another door or climb into another window? I mean... if that door is so stubborn and refuses to open, then perhaps its better to move on. But why move into another home so quickly when you already had one to begin with?

I don't believe in new beginnings or happy endings. There's no fresh start. I don't believe every day is a brand new day for you to start again. What you did yesterday is still there, what you didn't do yesterday is still behind you, and what you wanted to do yesterday will always be the regret you wish you didn't taste. Karma may be a circle but life isn't. You don't go around and around... life is a line, hence the existence of timelines in history. There are no new beginnings, no way recover the damage you've done, no way to preserve the success you've accomplished. Killing someone, going to jail and finally coming out doesn't mean you have a fresh start. Your crime is on paper, in records, in memories. The circle doesn't start again, you have a past, you have history, your timeline has time done on it.

Move on and do better. You may be haunted by your past but those are consequences that you will never be able to rid. Try and you'll simply be living in another reality that doesn't exist. Second chances don't exist for you to make up for what you did, you can only do better. You're only human. I don't even think God can stop time, redo time or make up for time, so why do you even bother trying?

No one lives a perfect life without mistakes and shame. We are all guilty whether other people know the lies we've told to the world or to ourselves. You will never walk on a path that you can't handle. God may not open doors but I'm sure God doesn't build walls or dead ends.

So do what you didn't do yesterday, and though you can't make up for the fact that you didn't do it yesterday,  the fact that it's late and overdue, but at least you did it. It's written on your timeline now.

I don't believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think whatever doesn't kill you may make you smarter and more experienced but not stronger. People who can heart attacks and live aren't more immune to them. In fact, they're more likely to get heart attacks again than someone who hasn't experienced one before. Catching a cold or a bacterial infection builds your immune system, making it smarter as it learns new ways to protect you in the future, your immune system isn't stronger. If your immune system meets a new infection, it won't be able to protect you. Your failures don't make you a stronger person and it wouldn't be fair if it did. Someone who's gone to jail isn't on equal levels as someone who hasn't. A criminal record doesn't kill you but it doesn't make you stronger. So where in the world did this idea of almost being killed makes you stronger? But who needs to be strong anyways, isn't the whole point of life to live?! Isn't that why we climb mountains and go sky diving? So that we can experience both sides of every story? A strong person does die. What's the meaning of strong to you if you don't even know what it means to be weak?

I do believe in destiny. I do believe things out of our control happen. But all that happens for a reason. God won't give us anything we can't handle. And if he does, that's what I call death, lol.

20 years of timeline already drawn. And though I've complained for the last 20 years about how much my life just shitty sucks, I think I've found a way to appreciate it.

That's optimism at it's best. Seriously.

I have reached a dead end.

There are no more emergency exits, no more u-turns, no more helicopter rescues. I've used up all my lifelines, my health meter is beeping red and I can no longer call a friend. I have reached a dead end. What am I going to do? How am I going to pull this one off? How am I going to write this to have a happy ending?

It's now or never. No more second chances. No more redos. This is it. I have reached the very dead end. I mean the absolute dead end. If I can't find a way out soon, I'm going die. Well, maybe not die but everything will end pretty tragically. Tragically. Yes, tragically, a word that I don't use often but in this case it is very appropriate.

I don't have a plan! I don't have a backup plan! I don't have anything to work with right now. I'm just going to charge forward and wing it??? That's never worked out all that well for me but I don't know what else I can do right now. And I have no one to turn to right now because it's my own battle, it's a fight that I have to win myself. I have a feeling if I can get through this, it's going to solve a lot of other problems. But what if I can't solve it? What does it mean? What if I don't get through this? Am I seriously out of the game for good?

I've been having such bad dreams lately, seriously. Not nightmares but bad dreams, just yesterday I had a dream that someone was out to kill my brother and I. The setting was at our old house not our new one. Somehow we got chased up to my bedroom and my brother and I were trapped inside and I was trying to hold the door shut as the killer was banging it open. I told my brother to help me push against it so I can start pushing stuff to the door to you know... put weight on our side so the killer can't open the door so easily. But my brother was SO UNRELIABLE!!! He kept on slacking off, like one point he just walked away from the door and the killer almost opened it and I had to run to like slam the door shut! Okay, I can't describe it but I can still see it in my head very clearly. Point is, I was so upset at that point because 1. We were probably going to die and 2. When we were both FIGHTING for our lives, my brother still could not be someone I can trust and lean on.

I don't think I over-analyze my dreams, in fact, I think it's my dreams that help me realize a lot of my unconscious thoughts. It's not that my brother and I don't like each other but lately, not really lately, a while now, after he's got a new girlfriend I can feel him drifting away from everyone in the family. Back then, he was ALREADY in a rebellious stage where spending time with family was not exactly something on his to-do list. And now it's EVEN WORST. Does this happen to everyone who gets into a relationship? The moment you find a girl/boyfriend, you immediately forget about everyone else and all you care about is the other person? He/she is the ONLY thing on your mind? Is that the way it really is????? Because if that's the case, I hope I don't fall in love. Geez. I hate how his entire world just revolves around her and no one else matters. There are OTHER people in your life who still take care of you, feed you, and watch over you, you absolutely have no right to just be such a jerk to everyone but your ONE girlfriend, WHO PROBABLY still can't do shit for you except say the useless words "I love you". Why is it that once people find a partner, they can just throw away everything? Like in movies, people go, "Let's just leave EVERYTHING BEHIND AND RUN AWAY." Isn't that so selfish? Yes you love this person and yes this person loves you, but so do the other 10 people you were planning to leave behind. Besides, usually the person you fall in love with is someone you've just known in recent years, whereas your family and your friends, you've known them for so much longer. You've had so much more history with all the people you're planning to leave behind. Those people were THERE FOR YOU when your freaking girl/boyfriend wasn't! So how do people prioritize all this?

Of course, I'm saying this based on absolutely no experience. I hope I don't become a hypocrite and end up running off with my boyfriend and marrying him in some small island. I can't see that happening just because I love my parents too much to just leave them for anyone but I can't seem to understand the other side right now. Or maybe unconsciously I'm just cranky that I don't have a boyfriend I'm just being sour grapes at the moment.

Ugh. How did I get so sidetracked?! Back to the point. I have to save myself right now.