Chinese New Year 2011

What am I going to do tonight? Hmm... let me see... study?

Sad. Don't you think that that's so sad. I can't even go home to have a proper dinner with my family. Next week, I have two midterms, an assignment AND a lab report due so I'm packed. I won't have time to even think about eating. I wonder how people at UT manage such a great social life and academic life altogether because I simply just don't have that kind of talent.

I sort of gave up my social life until I met this guy who I really like. I met him once, so I guess I don't "like" him, it's like those stupid high school crushes. I hate crushes, it's been so long since I've liked someone that I almost forgot how ANNOYING THE FEELING IS. No matter what I'm doing, he always manages to cross my mind. And no matter how busy I am, I always manage to sneak in 5-10 minutes of daydreaming moments with him.

I got rid of Facebook because I didn't want it to take up the rest of my life but after meeting him, I kind of feel like I'm ready to give social life a try again. I mean, everyone deserves a social life no matter what kind of dreams they have. Just because you have aspirations doesn't mean you have to give up everything good in your life to achieve it. And for me, I would sort of think that it's not worth it. Achieving my goals are very important to me but not at the cost of everything else in my life.

I'm going to give it a real go this time. I mean, I'm sort of behind in school but today and Friday are going to be my major CATCH-UP-ON-EVERYTHING days. After I catch up, I'll try to stay ON TOP of the work and then I can find time to go out and see him =).

That is... of course, IF he wants to see me. I swear he's giving me mixed signals. I sort of feel like he's just in this for the game and if that's the case, I still wouldn't mind going out with him so long as we establish the rules.

I hear this year for the Horse, it's supposed to be really good. My love and work life is absolutely amazing so long as I can keep up with the pace. If not, I can fall into the pits of Hell.

Please, I can keep up. I'm a horse. Of course, I can keep up.

To the new me... I mean... Haircut.

Regular daily blogging... here we go:

Jan 13th

Alysha, my roommate, wanted to come with me to class. I told her I had class at 6 and I was going to take a nap. It was around 2 at the time and I was so exhausted from the night before. I set my alarm but little did I know that the volume was set down low so I didn't hear it and I slept through it! I woke up at 6:40 and like ran to class with her. I was kind of upset that she didn't even wake me up, like what the hell is wrong with her?! But whatever, she's white. I can't expect her to understand what an Asian person would do.

Then I recorded whatever was left of the class and took serious notes. At the end of class, I ran to hunt for a girl with a recorder and asked for her recording. She was nice enough to pass it to me and I got it in HQ since she recorded it from the front of the class! Love her.

After class, I wanted to go to a library to grab a textbook since I didn't want to buy it. I checked the Internet catalog and it said it was available at Robarts in the Q section. I went to Robarts and there was no Q section! So I went to ask some man-librarian and he was like,"You must've missed the section. It's there on the 13th floor." And I replied, "The shelf went from P to T. There was no Q section or R section for that matter." And he goes, "You know... you probably missed it. Maybe it was in a corner or something. It has to be there." So he proceeds to enter my textbook title into the database and search for it himself. And INDEED, the catalog did state that the book would be available at Robarts in the Q section. So he goes, "Just go up there and find it again. If you can't find it, I will quit my job. Seriously, it's up there! You missed it."

And there I thought he was just insanely rude. Geez. How can I miss an ENTIRE SECTION?! Does he think I'm blind? Or does he think that I don't know my alphabets? But anyway, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I mean it WAS late (around 9PM), maybe I was tired and I did miss it. So I went back up and check again. NO Q SECTION. FUCK YOU. So I went back downstairs, too tired to argue with some dumbass, so I tried to walk off with Alysha without him seeing me but then he calls me back with, "Did you find it?" And I chuckled with a smile on my face and said, "No. There's no Q section." And he rolls his eyes at me and picks up the phone and calls for help... And on the phone he goes, "I have a lady here who claims there no Q section in the library. There is a Q section right?"

Long story short. There is no Q section! And he was thoroughly embarrassed from practically yelling at me because HE THOUGHT there was a Q section. It turned out to be a catalog error. The book was actually supposed to be a Gerstein. I went there the next day but didn't find it though. Seriously, I was more ticked off about the dude than the catalog error. I mean, I bet it's the fact that I'm ASIAN he thinks that I would miss an entire freaking SECTION. And I was so specific too, "One shelf said PZ and shelf bottom of it said TA." It's either he think my eyes are too small so I can't see properly OR he thinks I'm from China and I don't know how to find books. Whatever. That's what you get from rude, ignorant people who think the world of themselves. Not surprised anymore.

I also learned to play Mahjong that night. Of course, I was no good at it but it's nice that I sort of know the basics of it now. I've been dying to learn for a long time and no one has taken the time to teach me and now that I finally know, it's like I can check something off my To-Do-Before-I-Die list. Feels good.

Jan 14th

Since Candice, Melba and I stayed up talking all night the night before and went to grab breakfast at like 7AM, I was super duper tired. We went to Mcdonalds and grabbed a morning happy meal. It's a pretty good deal, I must admit. I went out with Melba, Candice and Joyce. I hope they actually like me and they're not just pretending to, that would probably drive me nuts. I lost a lot of friends throughout the years and the ones that I have lost... let's just say good riddance. And I wouldn't say that I've lost faith in friendship because only time can tell you how good a friend she/he can be. I'm still going to give everyone the best of me as a friend regardless of how many times I've got hurt.

So back on topic, despite the fact that I was tired, I still went to work AND got a haircut =). I was debating whether I should try a new place, go to GoA or Sora. GoA was the place that I've been 2-3 times? Hannah cuts my hair there and the only reason why I picked her was because she was the only one that could speak English. Any everyone on Soompi tells me how nice she is and stuff but every time I've been there, she couldn't care any less about me. I try to make conversation with her and she just likes talking to the other hairdressers more. And I ask for like hair tips and she doesn't give any. Seriously?! But I would've STILL continuously went to her if it wasn't for my last hair appointment, she wasn't available. I think her baby was in the hospital, so I was forced to try another hair salon. I walked on Bloor and just entered the closest hair salon that caught my eye- Sora. No one there freaking spoke English but everyone was SUPER polite and I just automatically felt rude for not like... bowing to them or something. It was really weird. I had this cute girl cut my hair for me. Even though we had trouble communicating, I must say she did do a fairly good job.

Maybe it was because I was tired but I didn't feel like walking very far so I called Sora to see if they were busy. They said no, and so I walked to Sora and waited for like 5-10 minutes. Not bad. The receptionist asked me if I had a preference and I said no. Probably because I did want to try someone new. I looked through the magazines for a hairstyle that I wanted. THEN. The Japanese dude in the salon came and invited me over to his chair and I was totally intimidated. I've never had a Japanese guy cut my hair before. He was so polite but he spoke minimal English. Super cute. And I showed him hairstyles that I liked and he was like, "Similar." but he looked like he wanted to say, "Those haircuts are similar. Just styled differently." When he washed my hair for me... OHMIGOSH. I LIKE DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN. HONESTLY. HEAVEN. He was the most amazing hairwasher EVER. LOL. I wish he could wash my hair everyday. I swear I had an orgasm or something, it was absolutely amazing. And when he cut my hair, he asked quite a lot of questions to be sure I got what I wanted. I just told him that I didn't want to cut my hair TOO short, I wanted to keep the length. Then he asked me if I wanted the back like a V-shape or straight across and I said I didn't know. He laughed and I told him to decide for me because I trusted him. I did actually put a lot of trust in him. I don't know if it's because he was majorly suave to me or because he was Japanese, lol. But I just let him do whatever he wanted, haha. He dropped the comb twice. I don't know why. Nervous at my beauty? LOL who am I kidding. I was probably the ugliest girl there. I sort of wanted to sleep at the beginning because I was so tired but after his second time of dropping the comb I was fully awake. I asked for tips on how to style it, he told me I could just a curling iron but it was damage my hair. And I asked if I should dye my hair but he said no, he likes my colour, instead he would recommend highlighting it to make it 3D. Ugh. Awesomeness. I felt like he would've said a lot more things if he could communicate in English. Seriously, I'm going to learn Japanese for him... after I pass all my courses, lol. I love him so much. Anyways, the hair turned out amazing, needless to say, and I tipped him 5 bucks. It was a $25 haircut so I didn't know how much to tip but I felt 5 bucks was good since that's like 20%.

I am so going back to him again. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I seriously think I'm in love with him. And okay, he's not THAT good-looking, he's got quite a bit of acne but something about him makes him super attractive to me. It might be his shyness? Or his attempts to speak English with me regardless of his skill? Or maybe it's because he gives really good hair washes? I wish my hair would grow super fast so I can go see him again but sadly my hair grows REALLY slowly. I'd probably have to wait a year in which he would've forgotten about me. I mean, he probably doesn't even look at faces anymore, only looks at the hair and cuts away. Maybe he'll recognize me because of my hair colour, since he did naturally comment on it himself. Wishful thinking. I know. Why do I always crush on unattainable guys? It's so painful.

What the future holds.

I don't know what the future holds. I think I've got the wrong mentality all along. I've been chasing after this dream of becoming a doctor when I should be working hard at what I have in front of me. I've never going to catch the dream if I keep tripping over my two feet. I need to balance myself. Steady my hands. Focus my eyes. And charge. I can't just keep mindlessly chasing or else I would never catch it.

I need to stop telling myself medical school because I know deep down that that dream will never leave me. I will always remember that my goal in life is to become a doctor. But there's no way I can do that if I all I think about is how I am going to get there. I have a life to live right now. It's been waiting for me and I've ignored it for way too long. I need to go back to my life. I am happy at where I am in life right now. I am happy. I may not be content, but I am happy.

I thought this entire journey of boycotting everyone and everything was so that I could find myself. I thought I was searching for a sense of identity. It wasn't until recently I realized that I know who I am, I know what I want to become, and I know where I'm going. I have a sense of identity. I've found it a long time ago and I've never lost it. Perhaps it's because I'm still perfecting myself that I feel like I don't know who I am, but I do. I am outgoing, bubbly and guarded. I am hard-working and a big fat procrastinator at the same time. I am a super crazy clean-freak. I am a little OCD that I find very much charming. I am passionate, hot-tempered, and optimistic. I can be depressed, twisted and hopeless when my hormones sway a certain way. I know who I am.

I realized that I wasn't looking for myself, but rather a place. What I've been searching for is a sense of belonging. I don't know where I belong. I know who I am but where do I fit in in this world? I want to be someone's favourite person, I want to be someone's person. I want to be the sun in someone's world. I want to change the world somehow, I want to make a dent in it so that I have marked my place on Earth to prove that I have lived. I want to be the best in something, make history and be remembered. I want to belong to a time, to a place, to a thing. I haven't found my little niche yet.

So I guess until then, I should keep working at being myself and I suppose, like tetris, I will eventually find a perfect fit for myself. What the saying? It's better to be alone than to not be and wish you were. I'm not in a rush, I've got plenty of things to do so until then, I will stop building walls. Instead, I'll build fences. Climbing fences are easier than breaking down walls.

Tuxedo Mask

I remember loving the Sailor Moon series when I was a kid. I had a huge crush on Tuxedo Mask because of the way he would randomly appear in her time of need and just rescue her. Even when I was a kid, I had a huge fetish for knights in shining armor.

You would think that such a girl like me would fall in love easily and quickly be swept off her feet, however, to my dismay, that's not the case. I'm 20 years old and I still haven't had my first boyfriend yet. I have virgin lips... sigh. When did Sailor Moon have her first kiss? 14? 16?

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, I'm desperate for love. I just want someone to love me for who I am and be there for me when I need them. I'm such an independent person and I find that that scares the guys away. Just because I'm strong and I don't cry over the fact my nail chips doesn't mean I don't need a guy to protect me.

But because of my parents and my friend's relationships with their boyfriends, I'm just absolutely terrified. Tuxedo Mask is a fairytale. No matter how bad things get, we know there's going to be a happy ending. But I watch my friends cry and beg for their boyfriends after they've been treated like crap because they're just so in love with them. I do not want to end up like that. I'm so scared to get into a relationship even though I really really want one.

Perhaps, I am capable of so much more but I'm just too scared to really chase after it in fear that I might fail. Maybe that's why I can't concentrate.

Point is, where am I going to find a guy who wants to date a girl who knows absolutely nothing about love and is absolutely terrified to get into anything? I want someone aggressive, not like bad-beat-you-up kind of aggressive, but someone who can put up with my stubborn-ness. Someone that can climb over my tower-high wall and see who I really am. Will I ever find a guy who's willing to do that? Or have I just been watching too many dramas and movies?

Right now. Love isn't the first thing on my mind but it's definitely not at the back of my mind. Every time I see a couple, I get so bitter that I can't be happy and in love just like them. I've always been single and miserable. I'm almost at the point of convincing myself that I can perfectly fine being single. I can be on my own with my friends and be happy. I don't need a guy in my life and it's a good thing that I don't have the experience because after I get my first boyfriend and I break up with him, I'm going to know how good (hopefully) it is to have a boyfriend and I won't be able to live without one.

I'm thinking too much. Aren't I? Whatever. Love hates me and I hate it back, which is probably why I'm not meant to have a boyfriend anyways.

Anyways, I don't just want any boyfriend. I have the perfect boyfriend. I want Tuxedo Mask.

Lost.

So I've come to realize that I'm not one of those people who can have everything in the world, who can be everything in the world. 

There are some girls out there who are athletic, beautiful, smart, kind and rich. I don't know how much more well-rounded you can be. I can't be that. I can't be BEAUTIFUL and SMART. Because when I study really hard, I look like a zombie the next morning. I can't be sociable and smart because I'll be too busy getting friendly with someone instead of doing work.

So I've come to the conclusion. It's okay. Not everyone can do everything. So I'm going to have to pick what I really care about and what I really want to be. I've decided, I'm going to be a doctor. 

I will. I repeat. I swear on my life at this very moment, I will become a doctor. I will work so hard like I've never worked before. I have to do this. I love singing. I love looking beautiful. I love being the centre of attention. But I NEED to be a doctor. It's my life. And if I can't be a doctor, I don't think it's ever going to be a life I want to be living. 

I am selfish like that. I want my mom to be proud of me and she's dedicated her entire life to me so the least I can do is fulfill my dream to be doctor so she can to be proud of me. I don't need friends. I don't need vanity. I don't need entertainment. I need to be a doctor and although I can't say that I will fight forever. But for the last 2 years of my undergrad, I have to fight harder so that I can at least tell myself that I TRIED my very hardest and I still failed. 

Goodbye blog. Goodbye other dreams. Goodbye other pieces of me. We will meet again I'm sure, until then, wish me luck on my battle to become the best that I can be.

My Parents.

I've always really wondered, in my mom's eyes, what kind of person am I? Does her perspective of me ever change? Has it been the same all along? Is her perspective of me even right? Because most the time, I think she’s WRONG.

I hate it when my mom makes all these assumptions when they're not even right and then she'll act like she KNOWS me and if I deny it she'll just think that I'm just too ashamed to admit it. SO NOT TRUE. My dad does the same thing too. How do I know this? Because sometimes they'll talk about my younger brother in front of me and HALF the things they say, I swear, are not even close to the truth. I think a lot of the stuff they say are things that they would’ve done as kids or maybe they once thought of doing it and now they are reflecting it back onto us. Although sometimes they are correct, I assure you, it’s probably just out of pure luck. Sometimes, I feel like my parents don’t know me and my brother at all. Although I must say, they do understand my brother a lot more…

You’re probably sitting there saying, "Oh, you're not communicating enough with your parents." Not true, I talk to my parents A LOT. I tell them everything that goes on in my life. I tell them my future plans, I tell them about my fears... honestly... I communicate, okay? Compared to the average teenager who just says “nuthin’”, I freaking communicate to BOTH MY PARENTS. I think I know why that even though I talk to them so much they still don’t understand me.

Everytime I say something, I feel like it goes through a filter in their head. They don’t automatically accept and believe everything I say. They take everything apart and analyze it for what it’s worth. They try to figure out what are the lies, the truths, and just the downright bullshit I decided to include for fun.

My brother… pffft. He doesn’t talk to them at all. WHY? Because he knows they will take everything he says and use it against him one day. It’s like everything you tell them, they take it and translate it back into something really nasty. They can’t just listen and accept.

Of course, my parents aren’t bad people. They love us to death and would probably do just about anything for us. I think it’s because they care so much about us that they think the worst in us so they can prepare for it. I don’t know… am I analyzing too much into this? I seriously don’t know why they act like that. Let me give you some examples:

If I say, “Mom, I want to get my nose fixed.” That’s showing her my insecurities. I want her to COMFORT me. But instead, she’ll just say, “Ugh. Stop thinking about that stuff and just concentrate in school!”

If I tell them things about my friends, they’ll invent up all this other crap to go along with the story. Once I told my mom that my friend’s parents let her drive by herself and go to places with her friends. And my mom came to the conclusion, “Her parents don’t care about her. They don’t have time to care about her.” LMFAO. OKAY?!

Every time they call me on the phone, the first thing they say is, “What are you doing? Playing on the computer?” I GET SO PISSED because I’m trying to freaking finish an assignment and they ask me if I’m PLAYING?! Ughhh…

So mom, dad, I know you will never read this, but I thought I should say everything I want to say to you right here.

1. I try really hard to make you guys proud. I try not to disappoint you guys at all. I try to be your ideal daughter.
2. I lie sometimes. I'm not always honest with you but I never lie about the things that matter. Sometimes you call and ask me if I showered yet because you don't like me showering at night, I'll always say yes just so you guys can shut up. I'm not ALWAYS doing homework, I do read the news, go on Youtube, go on Facebook, but 90% of the time I AM doing homework. So if I tell you I'm playing on the internet, it means I'm on my break! And don't start telling me to do my work because I probably just spent freaking 10 hours working on it. 
3. I hate it when you guys think I'm lying when I AM actually telling the truth.
4. I have friends and sometimes I like hanging around them more than you guys but that doens't mean they are more important to me.
5. Stop telling me to do things, I hate it. I have my own life, I have my own schedule, I will do things on my own accord. I’m old enough to know what to do, when to do it and however I want to do it. If I need your advice, I’ll ask for it. I hate it when I ask for advice, you guys tell me to think for myself, but when I don’t need your help, you just intrude in my personal space.
6. Don't tell me how you started making money for your family at the age of 14, I can't do anything about it. Here in Canada, we need education first... money and job comes later.
7. Don't cry to me and tell me how hard your life is... I cry a lot about how hard my life is too. I can’t carry your burden yet so don’t give it to me. But as a daughter, I would never say that to your face, I would just quietly listen and hold back my tears as I helplessly watch you cry over your marriage and how your life is “over”.
8. Never underestimate the stress I'm under. On top of my own goals, I have goals YOU GUYS want me to achieve. Being the eldest in the family means I have to put up with your shit and my brother's shit too.
9. Don't call me stupid. I may not know as much or be as smart as you guys but that's because I haven't lived as long as you guys.
10. I love you guys so much but I'll never say it. Ever.

Nothing gold can stay

I loved it. I really loved it. It was my life at one point. It was my entire life at one point. I think at one point, I loved it more than I loved myself.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I thought that love would never end. I thought it would last forever.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily.

It doesn't make me excited and happy anymore. It doesn't flawlessly and effortlessly bring a smile to my face anymore. I just don't care about it anymore.

I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I wish I didn't though. I wish I still loved it. I wish I could hold onto it. I wish I didn't grow out of it so fast.

I feel kind of bad. I almost kind of feel guilty that I stopped loving it. And it's not that I only stopped loving it, I stopped caring about it altogether. It actually kind of makes me a little bit sick, like the feeling of eating too much chocolate cake.

Maybe if I wait a while I might love it again. But I doubt it. It's sad that I don't miss it. I just miss loving it.

Failure to See

Dearest,

I remember a friend telling me that she never knew how pessimistic I was. Of course, I wasn't angry that time, but there was something inside that told me how wrong that sounded. I am realistic. Of course, you're going to tell me that's what every pessimists call themselves these days. I told her, "You don't even know half the things I have to go through everyday." I've learned that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I don't see the glass half empty or half full. I try to see who's holding the glass and then predict how much there would be left depending on the person. I might underestimate how much there would be left but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm pessimistic, it just means I prepared myself for the worst.

And sometimes, even when I pack my bag and brace myself for the worst, far worst come and I'm so unprepared for it. So when things like that happen, how can she tell me I'm pessimistic when I can still smile everyday and she's the one running frantic about your future???

I think I am unprepared even when I try to be prepared because I still try to see the good in everything and everyone. And that takes so much more effort and trouble than you think. If I read too much into the situation, I'd be called over-analytical and taking-everything-personally, but if I don't try at all, then I'm dunce and blind. For instance, if a friend is annoyed, do I assume that she's annoyed with me or do I brush it off as her having a bad day? A pessimist would probably just call her a bitch. If a friend is late, do I assume that she just isn't as excited as I am to watch the movie or do I give her the benefit of the doubt that she's probably just stuck in a traffic jam? A pessimist would probably assume she died. So I guess... I'll accept being called blind but I do not accept being called a pessimist.

Just two days ago, the worst thing happened to me. Okay, it's actually not that bad now that I think over all the crap I had to go through in the past 20 years. But nonetheless, it hurt and it was embarrassing and I'm so disappointed in myself and I wish I didn't tell anyone about it.

Sometimes I don't know if I complain too much or if I really do go through so much more than the average person. I know everyone has their own problems but do they suffer as much as me?! I always assume that every weird thing I experience is very "typical" and "everyone-goes-through-it", but all this crap that happens just can't be normal. I don't tell everyone everything because I don't want to come across as a whiny bitch who just isn't grateful for the fact that she's living and isn't starving in Africa and dying of cancer or aids with 20 brothers and sisters who need food and clean water and probably a new roof because the storm last night blew it off.

Whether or not it's normal, I've sort of learned to live with my bad luck and my blindness. It's not that I don't *enjoy* learning and growing but sometimes I wish I was just smarter as a person. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be someone my mom can say, "Okay. Go out and have fun because I know you're a smart kid who can handle herself." And not, "Okay. Go out and have fun but... Don't talk to strangers or hobos. Drive slowly. Don't drink. And if you're driving along the road and you see a dead animal please don't stop and try to bury it in the grass, just drive around it."

Do you think there will come a day when I can just be me and be glad I am?

I've missed you. So much.

Over yet?

So today I spent an hour in the inventory room cleaning up after Rube Goldberg. I threw out a lot of stuff since a lot of it wasn't usable anymore.

Emanuel asked me what to do with the extra 33 bags of corn starch and these aren't like grocery bags, they're like large dirt/sand/salt industrial bags. We've decided to get rid of them since the building has a mice problem so it would be impossible to keep them. But where do we sell 33 bags of corn starch? Many of the bags were out in the rain, so Emanuel had a problem with selling them out to kitchens and restaurants... which are the ideal selling locations for corn starch. Maybe I'll make a posting on craigslist or ebay. I'll get my brother to do it, he can sell anything lol.

So I still haven't added the guy back yet. Hm... I think the reason behind that is because if I add him, I'm afraid I'm just going to spend all this time stalking him whereas if I just reject him I won't be able to keep checking his profile nor would I have the guts to even re-add him. Eh. I think I'll just flip a coin over this. I can't spend too much time thinking about it. I've already started studying for the damn midterm in like 2 weeks. Wth?! I know, I'm just so stressed right now. But when am I not?

Scientific Love

SO TODAY HAS BEEN A RELATIVELY GOOD DAY. I spent most of the day with my mom and we even baked two cakes together! And to top off the wonderful day... guess what happened?! The guy I had a crush on added me on Facebook!!! Gosh, I sound so high school-ish man. Okay, it's not a crush. I don't actually really like him. My attraction towards him is kind of strange. It's not like a strong ionic electrostatic attraction, it's more like hmm... van der Waal's forces or dipole attractions. Maybe more dipole dipole interactions. I mean, the attraction is only there when I'm with him and it's so on and off. You know... van der Waal's forces are actually pretty strong when there's a lot of them and they do help stabilize any large molecular structure...

BUT POINT IS. HE ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK!!! It's the guy I mentioned about, you know, the one I met at Science Rendezvous. Sigh. Too bad he isn't older than me... so do I accept or reject??? LOL.

I hope you find it.

I thought I knew you so well. I thought you and I had a connection that only you and I would understand. You love me so much more than I could ever love you. I try to love you. No, I try to love you AS MUCH as you love me but I guess, it hasn't come to time where I can understand that strength of love.

As a very important person in your life, I just wish I could give you all the happiness in the world to makeup for all the times that I hurt you, to makeup for all the times I was insufficient in loving you. I try so hard to make things easier for you but because of time and distance, I'm unable to be everything that you want me to be.

I just want to see you happy. I always thought I knew the key to your happiness, I just couldn't get it for you. But now that I can get it for you, I realized that maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, another... flaw in my love for you.

I can't bring you your happiness like the way I thought I could. I wish I could say these words to you so you would understand how this makes me feel as a person, but I'm thinking this isn't the time or the place for it.

You probably thought there is probably more to life than what is given to you, and I promise you there is more. You just have to walk out a little farther, go a little deeper into that forest and I promise you, there is more for you out there. I wish I was strong enough to hold your hand and walk out there with you, but I'm not. I thought I could go out there myself and get it for you, but it's not what you wanted. I don't know what you want.

Whatever it is you're missing in your life, whatever it is you want, whatever it is that brings a smile to your face every morning, I hope you find it. And when you find it, it's not too late to appreciate it and hold onto it for the rest of your life.

I hope you find it.