You say whaa?

You've been at UT for like what? 6 months? You think you're equal to me? Puh-lease. Get a grip on reality. I'm better and smarter than you in every way possible. The only reason why you're at UT is because your mom is rich enough to actually pay your way in here.

And let me remind you that you're in architect, which does not even compare to life sciences in the slightest bit.

I'm smarter than you in every way possible to go equalize yourself with someone else your standard because I'm out of your league. I'm going to be living in the houses that you fucking build for me, ok? So don't "that's has never happened to me" me, bitch. Because the only thing that's going to happen to you is disaster and by that I mean, your life is going to fall apart when your mommy stop spending money on your fat ass.

I'm exhausted.

Why is everyday a fight? Why must I have to fight every single day? I'm so tired, I can't do it anymore. Even though I feel like I have so much to prove, I also feel that my life shouldn't be a battle every day.

Does everyone go through this or is it just me? Do you feel that every decision you make effects your entire future?

I want this so badly. I want it very badly but can I not fight so hard for it? Do you think that maybe it's just not meant to be? And it would be so much easier for me to just let go and move on?

I'm not asking for a free ride. I just want to know where I'm going. I just want to know the rode I'm taking is right. I'm just asking for directions. Can't you give me some? Can't you cut me a break? I've thrown everyone else out of the car already, it's just me and you, so can't you just let me win just one battle? All I need is to win one battle, just so that I can prove to myself that I do have the potential. I need to prove to myself that I have exactly what it takes and everything that I'm doing is worth it. I just want to prove to myself that I actually do have so much to prove.

Try and stop me.

Sorry for missing out on Tuesdays Thoughts. I didn't make a post because 1. I was so busy studying and 2. I was so busy studying animal behaviour that I had no thoughts to share.

I'm still recovering from the shock of losing everything on my laptop and from the fact that I have NOTHING TO STUDY FROM. I honestly hate this. I don't know what "this" is but I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm trying so hard to be a good student and THIS won't let me. Sure, I know a good student would go home and listen to the lecture recordings right away, but you don't know how busy I am this year so you have no right to judge me at all. I have so many other extra-curriculars to deal with, not JUST school.

LETTER:

So. You fucking son of a bitch. Whatever you are. Whoever you are. Wherever you are. Bring it. Do your best to stop me from getting into medical school. Because you know what, it ain't gonna happen, boy. Or girl. Whatever your gender is, I don't care. I don't give a flying fuck what your deal is and why you must try SO hard to prevent me from getting good grades, like do you not have a life or something?! Did you get bad grades in school and now you're out for revenge? Did your mommy not love you enough? Well, guess what? I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MESSED UP LIFE.

Unless... you're trying to send me a message. Do you foresee the future and think that I can't handle medical school? Or maybe you're trying to tell me that medical school is wrong for me and if I continue on this path I'm destined to be doomed? What is it?! SPIT IT OUT!

If I'm your target, you should know very well that I'm a stubborn person. I'm a damn downright stubborn person. I might dare even say that I'm probably the most stubborn person you'll ever meet. So here's the deal. If you want to prevent me from getting into medical school, go ahead. Try your VERY best and don't you dare even go easy on me because I want FULL satisfaction and complete bragging rights when I kick your fucking ass to God-knows-where. And if you're out there trying to tell me a message, well you're going to have to try a little harder than that because I'm not even getting a tidbit of what you're trying to say. I'm stubborn and slow... so like... yeah. Good luck.

/END LETTER

So I'm going to pull another hard-core all-nighter to ACE tomorrow's midterm that is worth 28%, which I desperately need since I'm not doing well on my labs at all. Everyone pray for me. LUVUBI.

My Parents.

I've always really wondered, in my mom's eyes, what kind of person am I? Does her perspective of me ever change? Has it been the same all along? Is her perspective of me even right? Because most the time, I think she’s WRONG.

I hate it when my mom makes all these assumptions when they're not even right and then she'll act like she KNOWS me and if I deny it she'll just think that I'm just too ashamed to admit it. SO NOT TRUE. My dad does the same thing too. How do I know this? Because sometimes they'll talk about my younger brother in front of me and HALF the things they say, I swear, are not even close to the truth. I think a lot of the stuff they say are things that they would’ve done as kids or maybe they once thought of doing it and now they are reflecting it back onto us. Although sometimes they are correct, I assure you, it’s probably just out of pure luck. Sometimes, I feel like my parents don’t know me and my brother at all. Although I must say, they do understand my brother a lot more…

You’re probably sitting there saying, "Oh, you're not communicating enough with your parents." Not true, I talk to my parents A LOT. I tell them everything that goes on in my life. I tell them my future plans, I tell them about my fears... honestly... I communicate, okay? Compared to the average teenager who just says “nuthin’”, I freaking communicate to BOTH MY PARENTS. I think I know why that even though I talk to them so much they still don’t understand me.

Everytime I say something, I feel like it goes through a filter in their head. They don’t automatically accept and believe everything I say. They take everything apart and analyze it for what it’s worth. They try to figure out what are the lies, the truths, and just the downright bullshit I decided to include for fun.

My brother… pffft. He doesn’t talk to them at all. WHY? Because he knows they will take everything he says and use it against him one day. It’s like everything you tell them, they take it and translate it back into something really nasty. They can’t just listen and accept.

Of course, my parents aren’t bad people. They love us to death and would probably do just about anything for us. I think it’s because they care so much about us that they think the worst in us so they can prepare for it. I don’t know… am I analyzing too much into this? I seriously don’t know why they act like that. Let me give you some examples:

If I say, “Mom, I want to get my nose fixed.” That’s showing her my insecurities. I want her to COMFORT me. But instead, she’ll just say, “Ugh. Stop thinking about that stuff and just concentrate in school!”

If I tell them things about my friends, they’ll invent up all this other crap to go along with the story. Once I told my mom that my friend’s parents let her drive by herself and go to places with her friends. And my mom came to the conclusion, “Her parents don’t care about her. They don’t have time to care about her.” LMFAO. OKAY?!

Every time they call me on the phone, the first thing they say is, “What are you doing? Playing on the computer?” I GET SO PISSED because I’m trying to freaking finish an assignment and they ask me if I’m PLAYING?! Ughhh…

So mom, dad, I know you will never read this, but I thought I should say everything I want to say to you right here.

1. I try really hard to make you guys proud. I try not to disappoint you guys at all. I try to be your ideal daughter.
2. I lie sometimes. I'm not always honest with you but I never lie about the things that matter. Sometimes you call and ask me if I showered yet because you don't like me showering at night, I'll always say yes just so you guys can shut up. I'm not ALWAYS doing homework, I do read the news, go on Youtube, go on Facebook, but 90% of the time I AM doing homework. So if I tell you I'm playing on the internet, it means I'm on my break! And don't start telling me to do my work because I probably just spent freaking 10 hours working on it. 
3. I hate it when you guys think I'm lying when I AM actually telling the truth.
4. I have friends and sometimes I like hanging around them more than you guys but that doens't mean they are more important to me.
5. Stop telling me to do things, I hate it. I have my own life, I have my own schedule, I will do things on my own accord. I’m old enough to know what to do, when to do it and however I want to do it. If I need your advice, I’ll ask for it. I hate it when I ask for advice, you guys tell me to think for myself, but when I don’t need your help, you just intrude in my personal space.
6. Don't tell me how you started making money for your family at the age of 14, I can't do anything about it. Here in Canada, we need education first... money and job comes later.
7. Don't cry to me and tell me how hard your life is... I cry a lot about how hard my life is too. I can’t carry your burden yet so don’t give it to me. But as a daughter, I would never say that to your face, I would just quietly listen and hold back my tears as I helplessly watch you cry over your marriage and how your life is “over”.
8. Never underestimate the stress I'm under. On top of my own goals, I have goals YOU GUYS want me to achieve. Being the eldest in the family means I have to put up with your shit and my brother's shit too.
9. Don't call me stupid. I may not know as much or be as smart as you guys but that's because I haven't lived as long as you guys.
10. I love you guys so much but I'll never say it. Ever.

Painkillers

Things get worst before they get better, right?

So my tooth is almost done swelling, so it's relatively pain-free. I still have to watch what I eat and I probably will have to, for the most part, for the rest of my life since my two front teeth are unstable now.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to watch Inception alone. That was the first time I've been to the movies alone. I didn't really want to go, I wanted to wait for a friend to free up some time to go with me. I heard it is the type of movie that you would watch to talk your hearts out after you watch it.

But I had a friend tell me that it's perfectly fine to go watch it alone. I was kind of shocked only because for me, going to the movies alone equates LONER written in huge block letters on my forehead. But... I couldn't wait any longer. No one was free. Or everyone who was free had already watched it and they wanted to watch something else with me, so I decided to just go watch it alone. IT WAS SUPER AWKWARD. I had like a group of guys beside me on the left and a group of girls on my right, and I was one seat apart from them on either side. They kept on looking at me like, "Are her friends coming?" Because you know how like... there's always a one seat gap between each group of friends at the theatre so no one has to ever sit RIGHT beside a stranger? So if I had 2 friends come, they would sit on either side of me and that means that the two groups would be sitting right beside a stranger. Get it? So they kept on looking over and I was wanted to tell them, "Geez. No one is coming! I came here alone! OKAY?!"

And beforehand, a friend was like, "Yo if you watch the movie and you don't get it, it means you're stupid. Stupid people won't understand the movie." That's her response to my, "Is it confusing?"

So I guess I was glad that I went alone, I would have no distractions from my friends and I could fully concentrate on the film.

Overall it wasn't too bad. I understood most of it, I got the overall concept but there were minor details of the film that really stumped me. I guess I'm not smart enough to understand the film as a whole. This is so different from what I'm used to watching. I get the entire concept of the movie... what happens in the middle of the movie, like their adventure plan and goal and how they are going to solve it... but there is the occasion detail that ties the whole story together that I don't really get. I asked some friends but everyone is kind of like, "It's okay. That's not important." ...........?! OKAY?!

I finished exams. Feels a little anti-climatic to me. I'm still stressed with all the home errands that I have to do... seriously, why can't things just happen the way they're supposed to happen?

I feel inclined to move to livejournal... I've been really tempted this past week. I have moved to livejournal before but it's so complicated... and they don't have all the functions that I want... but I LOVE the community there. Blogger is kind of lonely but it's so easy and convenient, it's going to be hard for me to decide. I might just stay with blogger just because livejournal, the entire layout itself, is really messy and disorganize. The last time I got livejournal, I think I made like 3 posts on it before I gave up trying to make the whole layout really sleek. BUT THE COMMUNITY ROCKS. Sigh* The tradeoffs in life. Why can't we just personalize everything? And get everything the way we want it?

HMMM... the rest of my summer... probably tidying up everything and finishing all the things that needs to be done at home before I move out. I don't think I'm going anywhere... not anywhere far anyways...

Useless Thoughts

You had a chat with someone, don't act like you saved the fucking world.

Stop yelling at me if the message isn't for me in the first place.

Why do you seem so down-t0-earth and god-like at the same time? Will I ever get to meet you in person and tell you how hard it was for me to get there?

Some things never change. People say never bite the hand that feeds you, I guess you never learned that and you never will.

I am in so much pain right now.

I spent 6 hours at the dentist office today. I have to go back on Wednesday to do some crown lengthening. I'm in such a crappy mood right now.

Sigh.

Slow Me Down

It's been a while since I've posted a blog entry. I don't know why I keep on telling myself to post something up but every time I sit down at the computer, I lose the motivation to do so.

So let's start off with Thursday. I actually don't quite remember what happened on Thursday... It was a day after exams and I think I just sat at home and watched videos and caught up with dramas. I -think- that's what I did anyways, I can't imagine what else I could've done that day.

On Friday. I went to WONDERLAND. It was CRAZY fun. Of course, I was a chicken throughout the day, but my friends practically almost dragged me on every ride. I'm so grateful they did it lol. Because even though during each ride, I felt, LITERALLY FELT, like I was heading towards death, I still found it so exhilarating at the end of every ride!!! Well, except for bumper cars and like... the Merry-Go-Round. LOL. I chickened out at the Behemoth. I knew that my Wonderland experience would not be complete without it but the MOMENT I saw how steep the roller coaster is, I just backed out. My friends did try really hard to get me on it, but I stood my ground. They told me that after I left, they rode it FOUR more times. I've got such gutsy friends. I felt kind of bad because the whole time I was pretty much like, "How long is the ride? Is it scary? Which is scarier? Do I feel that "feeling" in my stomach?" And everyone actually answered all my questions and tried to convince me to go on the all the rides. I know for sure without them, I probably wouldn't have gone on anything. It was my second time there, the first time, I went when I was 5 or something and I swore never to go back again. So THIS time I really wanted to make the most out of it because I don't know when will be the next time I go back. I don't visit Wonderland often and it's not a place I would WANT to visit often. I think to have fun at Wonderland you have to go with the right people because if you go with people who are too scared to go on rides and you, yourself, are too chicken to go on the rides as well, then you've just wasted all that money to just ENTER Wonderland and walk around and do nothing.

The food in Wonderland is so shitty expensive. A foot long hot dog is like 8 bucks, 3 of us actually split that hot dog, partially because it was expensive and also because we weren't all that hungry. When you go on all those rides, your stomach doesn't know how to feel hungry... lol. The ENTIRE day, I had a little bit of rice in the morning, 1/3 of a hot dog and at the end of the day I wasn't all that hungry after ALL that walking and running around and screaming. I also tried FUNNEL CAKE!!! It was 10 bucks, and we split it with the 4 of us. It was pretty good. If I went by myself, I'd definitely spend 10 bucks on it. I wouldn't find it a waste of money, I think the only wasteful part of getting a funnel cake for $10 is the fact that I wouldn't be able to finish it. It's not THAT big but it's the kind of stuff that's only REALLY good for the first 5 bites and then it's just gross.

Friday was a really good day for me. I had so much fun. 10 hours at Wonderland. TEN HOURS!!!

In the morning, I bussed down to Wonderland by Viva to Major Mac and then taking the 4 bus to the front of the amusement park. And the problem with me is that I assume that if I go there one way, I EXPECT to come back the same way. Little did I know that at 8PM most of the buses at Jane and Major Mac weren't running anymore! So I had to figure out some crazy route to get back to Yonge Street before ALL the buses around the area stop running.

I met up with a friend later that night as well and we talked at Mcdonalds. I shouldn't have gotten myself Frutopia and fries, I'm already on a diet so all that exercising I did during the day would've all gone to waste if I just started shoving junk food into my body again. But she needed comfort food. I don't know, when I'm sad, junk food = comfort food. LOL.

OH. I REMEMBER WHAT I DID THURSDAY. I went to the doctor and apparently... he found out why I have that gurgling noise in my throat. It's because I'm suffering from acid reflux... LOL. Strange eh? I have acid reflex. I asked the doctor, "Is it NORMAL for a female at the age of TWENTY to be experiencing heart burn?" And he's like, "Well... stress changes everything."

On Saturday I had a family dinner to attend, only to find that 1/2 my cousins didn't show up so I was bored shitless. Hmm... is it weird... to be attracted to your cousin's son? LOL. My cousin is older than me and her son is one year older than me and honestly, he's so hot. LOL. I know it's incestuous but I'm just wondering if this happens to people. See the thing is, research has suggested that the only reason siblings (likely of opposite sex) do not show an attraction towards each other is because they grew up together. When you grow up with someone, for some reason, you lose that sense of attraction. BUT. If two siblings were raised in different environments and then brought together without knowing that they're siblings, they would likely find each other very attractive because they share similar DNA and pheromes. My cousin's son, I technically should call him my nephew but I refuse to call him that because:

1. He has to call me aunt then. And that makes me sound old.

2. He's OLDER than me. Aunt's should not be younger than their nephews... that's so weird.

3. He's hot. OKAY?!

So ever since we were kids, I would just call him my cousin and I've always seen him as my cousin and I don't give him any pocket money on New Years or anything neither does he expect any from me. LOL. Ugh. Why am I even talking about this? This is so gross.

Anyways. Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor's again and then I have volunteering... I sort of made plans with a friend to go to the OSC but I don't know if I want to go now. I'm kind of lazy. I'll think about it and text her tonight I guess.

What else is new? Oh. School. What am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! Okay. I figured out my problem I think. My problem is that I'm in too much of a rush to finish school. I refuse to slow down and assess my situation. Every time I fail, I say to myself, "I didn't study hard enough. Study harder next time." And that's the end of it. I charge towards the finish line, not really caring about all the rocks and obstacles in between. I thought I would be completely fine falling down, getting hurt, scrapes and bruises and all as long as I make it to the finish line. It doesn't matter how I get there, as long as I get there. But I never really thought, what if because of all these cuts and bruises, I don't make it to the finish line. What if it's better to stop running and to just walk for a minute or two and start pacing myself again? What if it's actually better to stop charging at the finish line and look at the path I'm running on and SEE who my other competitors are, and SEE what they're doing, and LOOK at where I am in the race? I think everything has happened so fast and I feel like if I don't stop and think now, before I know it, I'll be standing on stage to get my Bachelors degree but I won't have the marks to pursue further education.

So right now. I'm giving myself a second chance. I have a week to prepare myself for the second chance that I'm giving myself. I've taken the time to slow down and think about why I'm not studying hard enough and why I can't concentrate.

This week has been so crazy. I've made plans for this entire week and the next. This is the perfect time to put my plan to the test =D *fingers cross* I hope it works.

My thoughts on G20:

There's no real cause anymore, just riots and idiots downtown making a mess and then asking the government to clean it up using our tax dollars. Geniuses.

I have reached a dead end.

There are no more emergency exits, no more u-turns, no more helicopter rescues. I've used up all my lifelines, my health meter is beeping red and I can no longer call a friend. I have reached a dead end. What am I going to do? How am I going to pull this one off? How am I going to write this to have a happy ending?

It's now or never. No more second chances. No more redos. This is it. I have reached the very dead end. I mean the absolute dead end. If I can't find a way out soon, I'm going die. Well, maybe not die but everything will end pretty tragically. Tragically. Yes, tragically, a word that I don't use often but in this case it is very appropriate.

I don't have a plan! I don't have a backup plan! I don't have anything to work with right now. I'm just going to charge forward and wing it??? That's never worked out all that well for me but I don't know what else I can do right now. And I have no one to turn to right now because it's my own battle, it's a fight that I have to win myself. I have a feeling if I can get through this, it's going to solve a lot of other problems. But what if I can't solve it? What does it mean? What if I don't get through this? Am I seriously out of the game for good?

I've been having such bad dreams lately, seriously. Not nightmares but bad dreams, just yesterday I had a dream that someone was out to kill my brother and I. The setting was at our old house not our new one. Somehow we got chased up to my bedroom and my brother and I were trapped inside and I was trying to hold the door shut as the killer was banging it open. I told my brother to help me push against it so I can start pushing stuff to the door to you know... put weight on our side so the killer can't open the door so easily. But my brother was SO UNRELIABLE!!! He kept on slacking off, like one point he just walked away from the door and the killer almost opened it and I had to run to like slam the door shut! Okay, I can't describe it but I can still see it in my head very clearly. Point is, I was so upset at that point because 1. We were probably going to die and 2. When we were both FIGHTING for our lives, my brother still could not be someone I can trust and lean on.

I don't think I over-analyze my dreams, in fact, I think it's my dreams that help me realize a lot of my unconscious thoughts. It's not that my brother and I don't like each other but lately, not really lately, a while now, after he's got a new girlfriend I can feel him drifting away from everyone in the family. Back then, he was ALREADY in a rebellious stage where spending time with family was not exactly something on his to-do list. And now it's EVEN WORST. Does this happen to everyone who gets into a relationship? The moment you find a girl/boyfriend, you immediately forget about everyone else and all you care about is the other person? He/she is the ONLY thing on your mind? Is that the way it really is????? Because if that's the case, I hope I don't fall in love. Geez. I hate how his entire world just revolves around her and no one else matters. There are OTHER people in your life who still take care of you, feed you, and watch over you, you absolutely have no right to just be such a jerk to everyone but your ONE girlfriend, WHO PROBABLY still can't do shit for you except say the useless words "I love you". Why is it that once people find a partner, they can just throw away everything? Like in movies, people go, "Let's just leave EVERYTHING BEHIND AND RUN AWAY." Isn't that so selfish? Yes you love this person and yes this person loves you, but so do the other 10 people you were planning to leave behind. Besides, usually the person you fall in love with is someone you've just known in recent years, whereas your family and your friends, you've known them for so much longer. You've had so much more history with all the people you're planning to leave behind. Those people were THERE FOR YOU when your freaking girl/boyfriend wasn't! So how do people prioritize all this?

Of course, I'm saying this based on absolutely no experience. I hope I don't become a hypocrite and end up running off with my boyfriend and marrying him in some small island. I can't see that happening just because I love my parents too much to just leave them for anyone but I can't seem to understand the other side right now. Or maybe unconsciously I'm just cranky that I don't have a boyfriend I'm just being sour grapes at the moment.

Ugh. How did I get so sidetracked?! Back to the point. I have to save myself right now.

Emo much?

I haven't been called emo in ages. So there's this guy in my biochemistry class who reminds me of Mark, the way he looks, talks, and his freakishly weird hands. LOL. AND THE WAY HE HOLDS A PENCIL TOO! It's kind of strange how much he resembles Mark and his name is MARK TOO!!! And the stuff he says is just so, "OMG I CAN TOTALLY SEE MARK SAYING THAT!"

Oh before I begin, no I can't imagine the ACTUAL Mark saying this stuff. Just this though. So anyways, this Mark guy called me emo after I said, "Life sucks." And I realized, well not JUST realized, but sort of realize realized that I say that line to everyone and in ANY circumstances. It's like a horrible catchphrase? I hate it. I don't know why I say that. Actually I say, "I'm tired" a lot too. My mom hates hearing it because she's tired too and she doesn't complain and here I am, sitting on my ass, STUDYING, and I'm complaining about being "tired". And she's always like, "You don't know the meaning of being tired. That line is not yours to say." That's kind of harsh, I mean, I KNOW what it freaking means to be tired but I'm obviously PROBABLY not as tired as other children who are slaving away in factories for like 20 hours a day.

ANYWAYZ. So this Mark dude tells me I'm emo, and I was kind of offended because I'm -not- emo, okay?! And so I was like, "I'm not emo." lol. What else could I say?! And he's like, "Life sucks is a big statement." And in my head all I could think about was, "Seriously?! I say this to ALL my friends and they all agree with me life sucks." But obviously I didn't want to start a fight with this guy and he's nice too and he keeps me awake in class so he and I need to be on friendly terms so I just said, "I'm not emo. I don't think anyone's called me that before." And he laughed. So. I guess everything's okay? But that has brought to my attention that I should stop saying that line because I can see how it shows such a negative perspective of me, LOL.

I also told him that he reminds me of a friend of mine also named Mark and the FIRST thing he asks is, "Is he good looking?" Ugh. So shallow. I would think, "Oh, is he nice?" would be the first thing to ask. I don't know... that's what I usually ask when people tell me I remind them of someone. Or I ask them, "In what way I resemble them?" Not like, "Oh, is she hot?!" Geez. But anyways, this guy is so smart, he got 90% on our last midterm when everyone totally failed.

I think he likes this girl named Harriet. They've apparently known each other for a long time and I think she's got like gorg skin and she's nice so I can see why but I'm not going to play matchmaker any time soon. He should do his own little thing but I can't see them together just because I can see the girl thinking she's too good for him, lol.

Hmm... I think the only thing he doesn't remind me so much of Mark is the fact that... actually there are several things.

1. He's not that tall.

2. He's polite. LOL. Not saying Mark isn't polite, but he's like... maybe we're still in the phase of getting to know each other still, so it's too early to show our true evilness.

3. He's Cantonese and he can speak it.

We TVB rant together! I have a new TVB buddy! I can sort of tell he likes Linda Chung but because I said I didn't like her, he was like, "Yeah... I like Tavia more too..." But I think if he said, "WHAT?! I like LINDA!!!" I wouldn't know how to respond because I can't justify my dislike towards her. So I'm glad he agreed or pretended to anyway. And he's *SORTA* into Kpop, okay, not really. But I can rant to him about Kpop stuff and he knows enough to sort of *girltalk* about it with me. HAHA. Yeah, our group of friends sort of made him our gay friend. I'm sure he's not gay, but I've always wanted a gay friend so I guess this will have to do for now.

Fuckkk

Ugh. I'm so stupid!!! I can't believe I almost intoxicated myself with plastic fumes. My head kind of hurts right now... LOL I don't know if I should check in at the hospital right now. LOL. It's not like I directly inhaled a shitload of it, I don't even remember how much I breathed in though... and the oven is a complete mess. I don't know how to clean up the rest of it. And the cake still isn't baked. My mom will be home soon. I don't know what to do...

Eating too much

I've been eating like non-stop since I've moved back home. So not cool. I have to find a way to lose the weight somehow. I'm sure it'll come once I move back out in September or so.

I have midterms just around the corner. I should be panicking. I should be studying my ass off now so I don't start regretting later on.

Someone. Something. Please. Motivate. Me. To. Study. LOL. Because clearly, I don't have the discipline to do so.

New Layout

I think I've really improved on not changing my layout so often. I'm proud. Sorta. I guess I have better things to do now.

So I've been thinking about it and finally I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not going to do anything. Okay, I haven't been thinking about it A LOT but it has been on my mind. I was thinking what would be the RIGHT thing to do to just find closure in all of this. And I think the best option is just to leave it alone. I don't need to clean up the mess that no one really sees or cares about. The only reason why I want to clean it up is because -I- see it and -I- care about it but I think it's come to a point where I don't -want- to care about it anymore even though I do. It's so long gone and just history. Why dig it up to clean it up? It's not like I don't have enough on my hands already.

I don't find it necessarily wrong for me to just leave it there, after all, I wasn't the only one who made the mess. Whether or not you decide to take responsibility of it is up to you, but it doesn't concern me anymore nor do I need you to acknowledge your responsibility in order for me to move on. If you ever decide to come back and clean up the mess, I won't be there to help you just because I've waited long enough and I gave you so many chances to prove me wrong. And if you never come back or if you never cared, then I know I've made the right decision today. It may have taken me longer to figure it out but you know the drill, "Better late than never."

I've been so tired of waiting with all the pieces in my hands, trying to understand it, justify it, put it back together somehow so I wouldn't have to feel so bad about breaking it in the first place. But I guess we were both too quick to judge, you only saw the bad, when I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt. So I'm done. The pieces are there. I'm not even going to bother burying it because I don't give a shit anymore and I'm just going to move the fuck on.

Crazy day!!!

So I woke up this morning with the thought, "Shit. Do I -have- to go to court today?!" And I was running through all the days of the week of when I can go and I realized that if I don't go today, it would have to be sometime next week and I just don't want to wait that long.

So I go there and it's totally packed! Why are there so many people in trouble with the law??? Geez. So I go there and it's one of those "grab a number and wait in line" kind of things. So there were like 5 options for grabbing a number:
1. Payment
2. Reopening a case/appeals
3. Court date
4. ----
5. ----

And I had no idea which one to grab??? I don't remember option 4/5 but I knew for sure those ones didn't apply to me. So I just grabbed a number for the first three options, lol and waited for them to call my number. Then when it was finally my turn to go in, the guy was actually really nice, and I asked them if I was going to get a criminal record and he laughed at me! And he's like, "You didn't do anything in the criminal code of conduct." And I was like, "Okay... " Whatever that means. And he was like, "If I gave you a parking ticket, is that going to go on your criminal record?" And I was like, "WTF?! You're testing me now?! How the hell am I supposed to know????" But I guessed and I was like, "Uhh... yes?" And he laughed again. And then he gives me this speech about what I can violate and what I can't. Nice. I, personally, just wanted to get out of there. And after I left, he's like, "You're probably one of those people who work yourself up over everything." Pfffft. Okay. Thanks. He was still a judge so I couldn't be like, "Dude, you met me for like 5 minutes. Don't judge me even though you're a judge." LOL. So I just smiled and waited in line again.

I left the place at 10:40.

Then I had to Viva down to see my friend and we grabbed lunch together. I miss her. It's so easy being friends with her. No drama, no hidden messages, no complications. Just really good friends, at least, from my perspective anyway. After lunch, I had to bus down to my lecture. GAH.

Totally sucked. By the third hour, I wasn't even listening anymore, all I heard was, "Yellow... blue... green... red... yellow... blue... green... and by the way, cyan isn't a real colour." Just for your information, we were learning the visual system.

Then after class I went to my friend's place because she wanted me to check out her condo. LOL. It was actually really really really nice, I was so jealous and she was being this ungrateful bitch going, "Yo man... my parents should've gotten me a bigger place." I knew she was just kidding though. We get along and I'm glad we understand each other but sometimes I feel like she's got something to hide. But then again, don't we all?

Over yet?

So today I spent an hour in the inventory room cleaning up after Rube Goldberg. I threw out a lot of stuff since a lot of it wasn't usable anymore.

Emanuel asked me what to do with the extra 33 bags of corn starch and these aren't like grocery bags, they're like large dirt/sand/salt industrial bags. We've decided to get rid of them since the building has a mice problem so it would be impossible to keep them. But where do we sell 33 bags of corn starch? Many of the bags were out in the rain, so Emanuel had a problem with selling them out to kitchens and restaurants... which are the ideal selling locations for corn starch. Maybe I'll make a posting on craigslist or ebay. I'll get my brother to do it, he can sell anything lol.

So I still haven't added the guy back yet. Hm... I think the reason behind that is because if I add him, I'm afraid I'm just going to spend all this time stalking him whereas if I just reject him I won't be able to keep checking his profile nor would I have the guts to even re-add him. Eh. I think I'll just flip a coin over this. I can't spend too much time thinking about it. I've already started studying for the damn midterm in like 2 weeks. Wth?! I know, I'm just so stressed right now. But when am I not?

Scientific Love

SO TODAY HAS BEEN A RELATIVELY GOOD DAY. I spent most of the day with my mom and we even baked two cakes together! And to top off the wonderful day... guess what happened?! The guy I had a crush on added me on Facebook!!! Gosh, I sound so high school-ish man. Okay, it's not a crush. I don't actually really like him. My attraction towards him is kind of strange. It's not like a strong ionic electrostatic attraction, it's more like hmm... van der Waal's forces or dipole attractions. Maybe more dipole dipole interactions. I mean, the attraction is only there when I'm with him and it's so on and off. You know... van der Waal's forces are actually pretty strong when there's a lot of them and they do help stabilize any large molecular structure...

BUT POINT IS. HE ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK!!! It's the guy I mentioned about, you know, the one I met at Science Rendezvous. Sigh. Too bad he isn't older than me... so do I accept or reject??? LOL.

Fool me... how many times?

I hate kids. Especially when they cry. I can't stand it. Number one sign I should never be a mother. I'd probably end up being one of those psychotic mothers who brutally kill their kids. LOL. I say this because today and yesterday I had to prep three babies and they ALL cried. I mean, it's probably me, I'm just scary to the kids lol. And I don't understand how babies are so bipolar. One minute their crying like its the end of the world and the next they stop like nothing happened. WTF?! Geez. Get ahold of your emotions please.

I'm at the doctor's volunteering right now. I'm so tired. I can't believe I have to bus to school today for a 3 hour lecture. Just thinking about it makes me sleepy already.

You're not a nice person. Thanks for showing me... once again.

And a not-so-grande finale...

This post is so long overdue. I've had so much to say but didn't have the time to actually sit down and write it all out. The past two weeks went by like a blur, a bad one though. There would've been so many things I would've done differently. Actually, maybe not even just the last two weeks, more like the last two years. But again, I can't deal with regret so I just try not to think about it.

My nail has almost healed! That's good news. It's actually growing back a lot faster than expected, maybe it's an automatic mechanism? I have been eating a lot of proteins to get it growing again but for the most part, it's healed pretty nicely now.

Science Rendezvous is over. I don't know what to think about it. Deep down, I actually don't know because for the most time I was just at Rube Goldberg. But on a superficial level, I think it actually went pretty nicely. The theme was fulfilled and we all had fun building it so whatever. The busking I thought went pretty nicely too. I heard the Non-Newtonian pool and Volcano did work for the first half of the day and so for such bad planning on our parts, it worked out as well as it could've. I have to be honest that it rained, making it easier to make excuses for our lacking attractions, lol. I don't know if I want to come back next year. The only reason I think I would come back is because I know I can do a way better job since I pretty much learned everything we weren't supposed to do.

Yesterday I spent the entire day doing nothing. I woke up at 11:30, which I think was pretty early considering how much I slept for the past two weeks. I guess I actually can't sleep past 12. I just caught up in my Korean dramas for the entire day and that's about it. I didn't even do anything on my To-Do list. I wish my life was like a Korean drama. I think I've say that some time before. They always have such sweet happy endings. And although some of them have really cheesy love story lines, I think some of them are so PERFECT!!!!! Watching Personal Preference and Cinderella's Sister made me realize how much I don't understand love. I don't understand people who can't sleep because of it. I don't understand how it makes people drive at 200km/h. LOL. It's either 1. I have just forgotten what it's like to really like someone or 2. I've never really liked someone that much to begin with.

There are always some scenes that I never get bored of. I never get bored of the scenes where the guy gets jealous at the girl for talking to another guy. LOL. I'm so lame. And I never get bored of those scenes where the girl walks away and the guy pulls her back and kisses her. LMAO. AGAIN. I KNOW. I'M SO LAME.

Right now I'm volunteering at the doctor's office and guess who happens to also volunteer here? FRED. Yo. Like what a coincidence! And today I just had to prep a 2 year old and she knew she was getting a needle so she wouldn't stop crying and she wouldn't go on the weighing machine and she was just loud and annoying! I HATE KIDS! Why do they cry so much... geez... there are so many other horrible things in life that you're going to have to face so get used to it!!!!!

Oh and last week we celebrated Jen's birthday! Well, sorta... we went to Hmart and then Demetres. Both times Sherry and I tried to surprise her but failed so miserably. I'm just a bad liar, I need to practice more. But the thing is, I don't even think I'm that bad of a liar, you can only tell I'm lying if you suspect it. If you don't think I'll lie about something, usually you'll just pass off my "smile" as a stephanie-thing. You know?

Today I had BCH210. I already feel like shit. I don't want to learn anything. LOL. And I hate the professor, I know she tries hard to make jokes and stuff but no, they just suck.

I can't wait to go home today and just rest. I'm so tired of everything already. And the thing is, I'm so glad I'm going HOME and not like a place downtown. I really don't want to move out in September. Well, the thought of it right now just kind of scares me. What if second year repeats itself??? What am I going to do??? I think if second-year repeats itself, it's shows that there's something wrong with me and not others. And I'm always afraid of being the problem of every situation. Ugh... seriously. I'm so scared for September.

My brother might be staying in Toronto for university, I think I might've mentioned that somewhere already. I don't know if it's a good thing. I really want him to go far away for post secondary education, not because I don't him anywhere near me, lol, but because I want him to be independent and learn what the real world is like. He's so sheltered, he's so used to getting money from my parents, he's so used to not doing anything at home or anywhere, he's not used to not being nagged. I think for him to leave is a good thing. It'll force him to learn that the world doesn't orbit around him, not everyone is going to give a damn about him and yes, it IS UNFAIR SO LIVE WITH IT!

Okay. I don't know what to say. This post is kind of random and all over the place. Obviously, I didn't plan this one out nicely, I just splurged. I want a real summer. I want a real vacation. Hopefully, I'll get one soon so I can get everyone souvenirs!!! And take lots of pictures!!! And tell stories!!! AND SEE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!!! I dream of that day...

So MAD but IN LOVE

Today was so frustrating and upsetting, I nearly died of trying to hold in my anger. But at least the both of us were professional about it. I don't mind. I honestly. Don't mind.

HAPPY NOTE!!! BECAUSE I NEVER POST ENOUGH HAPPY STUFF!!!

I met this guy who reminds me of Taecyeon. He doesn't look like him in any way but some reason when I look at him, I think of Taec... I'm not sure why and of course, my heart just flutters away. He's not gorg or hot, but SOMETHING about him makes him look good. It's so irrational. I don't know anything about him so I'm sure all of this is all on a very superficial level.

Tomorrow is going to be another long shitty day. Why do I get myself into such stressful situations? SIGH* All I hope is at the end of it, they ask me to come back next year. Why? Because that means I did a darn heck of a good job.

Out of Control

I don't know what to do anymore!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you were to ask me what I really want to do right now, it's probably to take a rest from school and just reflect and like... take some time off. But I can't exactly do that.

Every year I promise myself to do better but it's not working! I think my greatest fear now is checking ROSI because I have no idea what to expect. I finally worked up the courage to check my marks and I'm so not happy. I'm not in any mood to do anything now. I just want to curl up into a ball in a little corner and cry my little heart out. Gosh. I don't know what to do. Honestly. Who do I turn to for help right now?! It's so useless talking to counselors because all they say is, "Well, try taking 1 course a year. A lighter workload might help." Yeah. I can't exactly take my sweet-ass time in university. I got to finish and get out of here. I'm definitely not telling my parents this. I don't know HOW to tell them. "MOM, DAD, I flunked like... three courses.... so... uh... what do I do now?" I can't even fathom a response.

Tonight. I will just finish up Science Rendezvous stuff and go crash so bad and wake up early tomorrow morning to head downtown and just... forget about all this. Because there really isn't anything I can do about it now. Sure, my future depends on it, LOL, but so does a lot of things.

I had 100 bottles of hope and now I'm done to 1... I don't know how much more tolerant I can be of this whole situation before I just toss the towel and call it quits. Argh. WHEN WILL I SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL?! Man, times like this, I wish my parents were like... Prime Ministers or from some Royal family who can pull some strings for me.

ON A GOOD AND HAPPY NOTE, I went shopping the other day and got new clothes just for the heck of it. I didn't need it but I realized how long it's been since I've stepped foot into a mall so I figured that before things get too hectic, I might as well spree 'til my heart's content. And... I guess it sort of is. But after seeing my marks, all the content is gone =(

Yesterday I went to the doctor's to get my TB test and my appointment was at 6:30, guess what time I went in?! AT 8:15!!!!!!!! It seemed like all the patients that went into his office disappeared into another vortex or something. I was beginning to think if they were all having a tea party in there or something? So when it was my turn to go in, I was like, "This better taking a DAMN LONG time." But for me, I literally walked in and walked right back out!!!!! I don't understand why it took all the others so long??? Sighsighsigh.

Random thought: I was on the subway when I thought of this. You know how people look like their pets? Or they like grow to look like their pets? I really do believe that this is true. So if like... you're really ugly or something, can't you just get a really cute pet? Then at least you'll grow to look cute... right? LOL. I don't know WHY I thought of something so ridiculous but that just popped into my head. Maybe I should do some scientific research on this.