Dearest,
I remember a friend telling me that she never knew how pessimistic I was. Of course, I wasn't angry that time, but there was something inside that told me how wrong that sounded. I am realistic. Of course, you're going to tell me that's what every pessimists call themselves these days. I told her, "You don't even know half the things I have to go through everyday." I've learned that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I don't see the glass half empty or half full. I try to see who's holding the glass and then predict how much there would be left depending on the person. I might underestimate how much there would be left but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm pessimistic, it just means I prepared myself for the worst.
And sometimes, even when I pack my bag and brace myself for the worst, far worst come and I'm so unprepared for it. So when things like that happen, how can she tell me I'm pessimistic when I can still smile everyday and she's the one running frantic about your future???
I think I am unprepared even when I try to be prepared because I still try to see the good in everything and everyone. And that takes so much more effort and trouble than you think. If I read too much into the situation, I'd be called over-analytical and taking-everything-personally, but if I don't try at all, then I'm dunce and blind. For instance, if a friend is annoyed, do I assume that she's annoyed with me or do I brush it off as her having a bad day? A pessimist would probably just call her a bitch. If a friend is late, do I assume that she just isn't as excited as I am to watch the movie or do I give her the benefit of the doubt that she's probably just stuck in a traffic jam? A pessimist would probably assume she died. So I guess... I'll accept being called blind but I do not accept being called a pessimist.
Just two days ago, the worst thing happened to me. Okay, it's actually not that bad now that I think over all the crap I had to go through in the past 20 years. But nonetheless, it hurt and it was embarrassing and I'm so disappointed in myself and I wish I didn't tell anyone about it.
Sometimes I don't know if I complain too much or if I really do go through so much more than the average person. I know everyone has their own problems but do they suffer as much as me?! I always assume that every weird thing I experience is very "typical" and "everyone-goes-through-it", but all this crap that happens just can't be normal. I don't tell everyone everything because I don't want to come across as a whiny bitch who just isn't grateful for the fact that she's living and isn't starving in Africa and dying of cancer or aids with 20 brothers and sisters who need food and clean water and probably a new roof because the storm last night blew it off.
Whether or not it's normal, I've sort of learned to live with my bad luck and my blindness. It's not that I don't *enjoy* learning and growing but sometimes I wish I was just smarter as a person. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be someone my mom can say, "Okay. Go out and have fun because I know you're a smart kid who can handle herself." And not, "Okay. Go out and have fun but... Don't talk to strangers or hobos. Drive slowly. Don't drink. And if you're driving along the road and you see a dead animal please don't stop and try to bury it in the grass, just drive around it."
Do you think there will come a day when I can just be me and be glad I am?
I've missed you. So much.
I remember a friend telling me that she never knew how pessimistic I was. Of course, I wasn't angry that time, but there was something inside that told me how wrong that sounded. I am realistic. Of course, you're going to tell me that's what every pessimists call themselves these days. I told her, "You don't even know half the things I have to go through everyday." I've learned that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I don't see the glass half empty or half full. I try to see who's holding the glass and then predict how much there would be left depending on the person. I might underestimate how much there would be left but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm pessimistic, it just means I prepared myself for the worst.
And sometimes, even when I pack my bag and brace myself for the worst, far worst come and I'm so unprepared for it. So when things like that happen, how can she tell me I'm pessimistic when I can still smile everyday and she's the one running frantic about your future???
I think I am unprepared even when I try to be prepared because I still try to see the good in everything and everyone. And that takes so much more effort and trouble than you think. If I read too much into the situation, I'd be called over-analytical and taking-everything-personally, but if I don't try at all, then I'm dunce and blind. For instance, if a friend is annoyed, do I assume that she's annoyed with me or do I brush it off as her having a bad day? A pessimist would probably just call her a bitch. If a friend is late, do I assume that she just isn't as excited as I am to watch the movie or do I give her the benefit of the doubt that she's probably just stuck in a traffic jam? A pessimist would probably assume she died. So I guess... I'll accept being called blind but I do not accept being called a pessimist.
Just two days ago, the worst thing happened to me. Okay, it's actually not that bad now that I think over all the crap I had to go through in the past 20 years. But nonetheless, it hurt and it was embarrassing and I'm so disappointed in myself and I wish I didn't tell anyone about it.
Sometimes I don't know if I complain too much or if I really do go through so much more than the average person. I know everyone has their own problems but do they suffer as much as me?! I always assume that every weird thing I experience is very "typical" and "everyone-goes-through-it", but all this crap that happens just can't be normal. I don't tell everyone everything because I don't want to come across as a whiny bitch who just isn't grateful for the fact that she's living and isn't starving in Africa and dying of cancer or aids with 20 brothers and sisters who need food and clean water and probably a new roof because the storm last night blew it off.
Whether or not it's normal, I've sort of learned to live with my bad luck and my blindness. It's not that I don't *enjoy* learning and growing but sometimes I wish I was just smarter as a person. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be someone my mom can say, "Okay. Go out and have fun because I know you're a smart kid who can handle herself." And not, "Okay. Go out and have fun but... Don't talk to strangers or hobos. Drive slowly. Don't drink. And if you're driving along the road and you see a dead animal please don't stop and try to bury it in the grass, just drive around it."
Do you think there will come a day when I can just be me and be glad I am?
I've missed you. So much.
