Dearest

How are you? Did you ever manage to pass that midterm with flying colours? You probably don't even remember what midterm I'm referring to anymore.

I'm so tired right now. I'm in this never ending circle of routines, errands, chores and conversations. Will I pass the next test? Will I even graduate and get my bachelors? What will my job be? Will I have a family? How much longer will my parents be with me? Will I get to see the world?

Can you answer any of these questions for me?

I'm trying so hard to please everyone. It's hard to keep up with everyone, from volunteer coordinators to professors, to doctors, to friends, to my family. I think the only reason why I can't seem to please everyone is because I still haven't found myself the right niche. Have you found yourself yet? Are you still trying to fit in? Don't worry if you're still struggling, I hear some people struggle their entire life. So it's still too early for you to start worrying yet. Wait. Are you still a worry wart? Didn't I tell you to work on that?

Did you ever manage to learn all the languages that you wanted to learn? I really hope you picked up Korean or Japanese, either one would be fine. I'd be so disappointed in you if you didn't fit them into your schedule. I know you're a busy person, but it was still a goal you set for yourself if you still hadn't reached it yet, I'd suggest to you to get cracking on it now. Now. Now. Now. How's your Mandarin? The last time I heard you, you weren't bad but you could definitely brush up on your vocabulary box.

Do you still listen to Korean music? Are you still obsessed over Korean dramas like I am? You know, your life will never be like that. So. Stop dreaming if you're still dreaming and drooling over the male lead of every drama.

You never got a chance to tell me about your boyfriend. How is he? If you tell me you still don't have one yet, I'd laugh. I remember how sad you were when you told me you really wanted a boyfriend. You said you wanted to "know what it feels like to love someone and have someone love you back just as much". You were such a drama queen. But. I guess I can sort of relate. Sort of. I'm not all that sad about being single though, I mean the state of being single fits my schedule. I don't know how to fit someone else into my schedule. Are you fitting him into your schedule well? What does he look like? Does he look anything like the guy you described to me? Tall, strong, brown doe eyes, clean shaved, short hair, preferably brown, Asian, can you make laugh and forget all your worries? Do your parents know about him? You promised to tell your parents the moment things were stable.

I remember telling you that I wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon, to be exact. You were so surprised and excited because that's what you wanted to be as well. Are you a surgeon yet? LET ME KNOW! I might join you in a few years. *embarrassed laugh* If I get out of UofT alive that is... Did you make it out of UofT alive? What's your best advice to me now? I know a couple of my UofT friends who are struggling with me too and I'd love to be able to give them some insight. It's not just all studying right?

I find myself crying a lot these days. I don't know why. Do you still occasionally cry over stupid things? Sometimes I feel like I'll never grow up. I'm still so emotional and moody. I remember the time when you and I were so stressed over our midterms that we just went to sleep because we thought, "if you don't know it by now, you won't know it" and when we woke up we cried on our way over to the exam because we knew how screwed we were. *GOOD* times. Do you have better studying habits now? Hopefully, better than mine.

Do you still remember Chris? Do you still talk to him? I sort of lost contact a while ago. I don't think he's doing all too well the last time I checked on him. But "well" is really subjective I suppose. If you're still in contact with him, I wouldn't be mad since he was such a big part of your life. I won't stop you from contacting him since he was everything in your life at one point, I understand that would be hard for you to erase him completely. But if you have a boyfriend now, there wouldn't be a need to keep in contact with him right? I don't think your boyfriend would be very pleased if you did. I wouldn't tell him but I think if you're still in contact with Chris, you should let your boyfriend know... You know... better than him finding out who Chris is by himself. Or you know, Chris would probably try to contact your boyfriend. I've lost all control over Chris, well, I never had control over him in the first place. But yeah. Just be careful?

Sometimes at night, I can sort of hear you whispering into my ear. It's kind of scary! It must be from those sleepovers we had so often that I just keep hearing your stupid freaking voice. Do you hear my voice? I bet you don't. You haven't written to me since forever! Why is it that I find that I care more about you than you care about me? I feel like most of my relationships are like that anyways. I'm always the person who cares more and stresses over things more and tries to contact the other person more often. Is that a bad thing? I don't know, you're going to have to help me answer this one. I never thought it was a bad thing, it just makes me feel stupid.

Anyways. I have a midterm tomorrow. It's worth 50% of my mark! Can you wish me luck? Do you still read my blog? I have a feeling you don't, so you'll probably never read this letter. Maybe I'll print this off and send it to you when I have the time. What's your address now? I don't know your freaking address. Ugh. How about I just print it off and leave it in our box? What about your email? Is it the same? I hate how you haven't even tried to contact me! Because clearly it's easier for you to contact me than it is for me to contact you.

Anyways. I'll miss you. And you better be missing me right now.

Your crazy, totally random, and stubborn friend,
-Steph

Fuckkk

Ugh. I'm so stupid!!! I can't believe I almost intoxicated myself with plastic fumes. My head kind of hurts right now... LOL I don't know if I should check in at the hospital right now. LOL. It's not like I directly inhaled a shitload of it, I don't even remember how much I breathed in though... and the oven is a complete mess. I don't know how to clean up the rest of it. And the cake still isn't baked. My mom will be home soon. I don't know what to do...

The ground's tatoos

The bright lit moon-- it was really round today-- somehow, it brought out the scum on the ground. I realized how much scum there actually was. What is scum? Is it gum that people just spit out? And because it's stepped on by so many people that it turned black?

Why do people spit out gum? I guess the most obvious reason is because they're too lazy to walk over to the nearest garbage can and spit it out there. But like... how hard can it possibly be? Unless... they had the intention of ruining a perfectly new sidewalk because they couldn't stand the sight of it. Or maybe, they wanted to be the first ones ruining it because... I don't know, people take satisfaction in the strangest things.

All that gum on the ground must not be healthy. I wonder if people even acknowledge it like I do? I think most people just walk mindlessly-- I mean as long as its not dog shit or a $50 bill, why bother noticing? But for the people who do notice, doesn't it bother you that a perfectly new sidewalk would have to be replaced just because of all the scum on it? I mean, that all could've easily been prevented. And I think, wouldn't it just be easier to get someone to scrape off all that scum than to just replace the entire sidewalk. It would probably be cheaper too. It would be good community service, maybe even get some people to stop spitting out gum so casually on the ground if they knew someone was actually out there cleaning it up.

But if the gum was scraped off, the only difference it makes is that it's not seen anymore. It doesn't change the fact that it was once there. But does that matter? Wouldn't it be funny if you scrape off the gum and because the gum had been covering that patch of ground, the colour of it would be "newer" than the rest of the sidewalk. So doesn't that signify that the piece of gum was once there and even though you've removed it, it doesn't change the fact that there was once an asshole who decided to spit out the gum. But maybe the asshole wasn't an asshole, what if the person was chewing the piece of gum and just realized and he/she was allergic to it and had to spit it out. You know. Life/death situation? Whatever. How am I supposed to know? Point is though, the scum mark would still be there. Nothing's going to change that. So what's the difference between scraping off that piece of gum and just leaving it there? The fact that it's black if it's there and after you remove it, it's white? Either way, it's still discolouration... White blends in better than black?

Still doesn't change the fact that you'll know a piece of shitty gum was once there.

So I guess the best way to get rid of it is to get a new sidewalk... It's going to cost a crapload of money but at least it solves the problem. But that's a lot of time and money. Is it even worth it? That's like so many tax payers money going into aesthetic purposes. I mean, the sidewalk works and functions like a sidewalk, there are no safety concerns, why get a new one just because it looks ugly. But I guess it could really bother some people. I know some people who just have to bitch about everything out there, I don't know if they seriously care that the sidewalk is tainted or if they just need something to bitch about because they have nothing better to do in their time. What about saving animals? I'd rather they bitch about that. But I guess if it really bothers them and they want it changed, then I guess that's good ambitions for them! I can't stand the people who just bitch about it for the sake of bitching about something. Who's the bitching for? For themselves? I don't know. Maybe some people just need to tell themselves that they have an opinion and that they are their own person. Crazy people. For others? Maybe some people just need other people to know their thoughts. You know. Crazy people.

For me? Maybe they bitch to me about it because they know I'm a gum-spitter, subtly suggesting to me that I'm not a good person. Well, not really that subtle but obviously they're too stupid to tell. I'm not angry, just bitter. I'm just bitter that these stupid gum-spitters won't stop, and that these stupid bitches won't stop bitching. Mostly the bitches. Ugh. Whatever. Just rip the sidewalk up already. In the end, as long as no one gets hurt, everyone wins.

Eating too much

I've been eating like non-stop since I've moved back home. So not cool. I have to find a way to lose the weight somehow. I'm sure it'll come once I move back out in September or so.

I have midterms just around the corner. I should be panicking. I should be studying my ass off now so I don't start regretting later on.

Someone. Something. Please. Motivate. Me. To. Study. LOL. Because clearly, I don't have the discipline to do so.

New Layout

I think I've really improved on not changing my layout so often. I'm proud. Sorta. I guess I have better things to do now.

So I've been thinking about it and finally I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not going to do anything. Okay, I haven't been thinking about it A LOT but it has been on my mind. I was thinking what would be the RIGHT thing to do to just find closure in all of this. And I think the best option is just to leave it alone. I don't need to clean up the mess that no one really sees or cares about. The only reason why I want to clean it up is because -I- see it and -I- care about it but I think it's come to a point where I don't -want- to care about it anymore even though I do. It's so long gone and just history. Why dig it up to clean it up? It's not like I don't have enough on my hands already.

I don't find it necessarily wrong for me to just leave it there, after all, I wasn't the only one who made the mess. Whether or not you decide to take responsibility of it is up to you, but it doesn't concern me anymore nor do I need you to acknowledge your responsibility in order for me to move on. If you ever decide to come back and clean up the mess, I won't be there to help you just because I've waited long enough and I gave you so many chances to prove me wrong. And if you never come back or if you never cared, then I know I've made the right decision today. It may have taken me longer to figure it out but you know the drill, "Better late than never."

I've been so tired of waiting with all the pieces in my hands, trying to understand it, justify it, put it back together somehow so I wouldn't have to feel so bad about breaking it in the first place. But I guess we were both too quick to judge, you only saw the bad, when I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt. So I'm done. The pieces are there. I'm not even going to bother burying it because I don't give a shit anymore and I'm just going to move the fuck on.

Crazy day!!!

So I woke up this morning with the thought, "Shit. Do I -have- to go to court today?!" And I was running through all the days of the week of when I can go and I realized that if I don't go today, it would have to be sometime next week and I just don't want to wait that long.

So I go there and it's totally packed! Why are there so many people in trouble with the law??? Geez. So I go there and it's one of those "grab a number and wait in line" kind of things. So there were like 5 options for grabbing a number:
1. Payment
2. Reopening a case/appeals
3. Court date
4. ----
5. ----

And I had no idea which one to grab??? I don't remember option 4/5 but I knew for sure those ones didn't apply to me. So I just grabbed a number for the first three options, lol and waited for them to call my number. Then when it was finally my turn to go in, the guy was actually really nice, and I asked them if I was going to get a criminal record and he laughed at me! And he's like, "You didn't do anything in the criminal code of conduct." And I was like, "Okay... " Whatever that means. And he was like, "If I gave you a parking ticket, is that going to go on your criminal record?" And I was like, "WTF?! You're testing me now?! How the hell am I supposed to know????" But I guessed and I was like, "Uhh... yes?" And he laughed again. And then he gives me this speech about what I can violate and what I can't. Nice. I, personally, just wanted to get out of there. And after I left, he's like, "You're probably one of those people who work yourself up over everything." Pfffft. Okay. Thanks. He was still a judge so I couldn't be like, "Dude, you met me for like 5 minutes. Don't judge me even though you're a judge." LOL. So I just smiled and waited in line again.

I left the place at 10:40.

Then I had to Viva down to see my friend and we grabbed lunch together. I miss her. It's so easy being friends with her. No drama, no hidden messages, no complications. Just really good friends, at least, from my perspective anyway. After lunch, I had to bus down to my lecture. GAH.

Totally sucked. By the third hour, I wasn't even listening anymore, all I heard was, "Yellow... blue... green... red... yellow... blue... green... and by the way, cyan isn't a real colour." Just for your information, we were learning the visual system.

Then after class I went to my friend's place because she wanted me to check out her condo. LOL. It was actually really really really nice, I was so jealous and she was being this ungrateful bitch going, "Yo man... my parents should've gotten me a bigger place." I knew she was just kidding though. We get along and I'm glad we understand each other but sometimes I feel like she's got something to hide. But then again, don't we all?

Nothing gold can stay

I loved it. I really loved it. It was my life at one point. It was my entire life at one point. I think at one point, I loved it more than I loved myself.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I thought that love would never end. I thought it would last forever.

But I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily.

It doesn't make me excited and happy anymore. It doesn't flawlessly and effortlessly bring a smile to my face anymore. I just don't care about it anymore.

I guess it's true. I do get bored of things easily. I wish I didn't though. I wish I still loved it. I wish I could hold onto it. I wish I didn't grow out of it so fast.

I feel kind of bad. I almost kind of feel guilty that I stopped loving it. And it's not that I only stopped loving it, I stopped caring about it altogether. It actually kind of makes me a little bit sick, like the feeling of eating too much chocolate cake.

Maybe if I wait a while I might love it again. But I doubt it. It's sad that I don't miss it. I just miss loving it.

Failure to See

Dearest,

I remember a friend telling me that she never knew how pessimistic I was. Of course, I wasn't angry that time, but there was something inside that told me how wrong that sounded. I am realistic. Of course, you're going to tell me that's what every pessimists call themselves these days. I told her, "You don't even know half the things I have to go through everyday." I've learned that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I don't see the glass half empty or half full. I try to see who's holding the glass and then predict how much there would be left depending on the person. I might underestimate how much there would be left but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm pessimistic, it just means I prepared myself for the worst.

And sometimes, even when I pack my bag and brace myself for the worst, far worst come and I'm so unprepared for it. So when things like that happen, how can she tell me I'm pessimistic when I can still smile everyday and she's the one running frantic about your future???

I think I am unprepared even when I try to be prepared because I still try to see the good in everything and everyone. And that takes so much more effort and trouble than you think. If I read too much into the situation, I'd be called over-analytical and taking-everything-personally, but if I don't try at all, then I'm dunce and blind. For instance, if a friend is annoyed, do I assume that she's annoyed with me or do I brush it off as her having a bad day? A pessimist would probably just call her a bitch. If a friend is late, do I assume that she just isn't as excited as I am to watch the movie or do I give her the benefit of the doubt that she's probably just stuck in a traffic jam? A pessimist would probably assume she died. So I guess... I'll accept being called blind but I do not accept being called a pessimist.

Just two days ago, the worst thing happened to me. Okay, it's actually not that bad now that I think over all the crap I had to go through in the past 20 years. But nonetheless, it hurt and it was embarrassing and I'm so disappointed in myself and I wish I didn't tell anyone about it.

Sometimes I don't know if I complain too much or if I really do go through so much more than the average person. I know everyone has their own problems but do they suffer as much as me?! I always assume that every weird thing I experience is very "typical" and "everyone-goes-through-it", but all this crap that happens just can't be normal. I don't tell everyone everything because I don't want to come across as a whiny bitch who just isn't grateful for the fact that she's living and isn't starving in Africa and dying of cancer or aids with 20 brothers and sisters who need food and clean water and probably a new roof because the storm last night blew it off.

Whether or not it's normal, I've sort of learned to live with my bad luck and my blindness. It's not that I don't *enjoy* learning and growing but sometimes I wish I was just smarter as a person. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be someone my mom can say, "Okay. Go out and have fun because I know you're a smart kid who can handle herself." And not, "Okay. Go out and have fun but... Don't talk to strangers or hobos. Drive slowly. Don't drink. And if you're driving along the road and you see a dead animal please don't stop and try to bury it in the grass, just drive around it."

Do you think there will come a day when I can just be me and be glad I am?

I've missed you. So much.

Over yet?

So today I spent an hour in the inventory room cleaning up after Rube Goldberg. I threw out a lot of stuff since a lot of it wasn't usable anymore.

Emanuel asked me what to do with the extra 33 bags of corn starch and these aren't like grocery bags, they're like large dirt/sand/salt industrial bags. We've decided to get rid of them since the building has a mice problem so it would be impossible to keep them. But where do we sell 33 bags of corn starch? Many of the bags were out in the rain, so Emanuel had a problem with selling them out to kitchens and restaurants... which are the ideal selling locations for corn starch. Maybe I'll make a posting on craigslist or ebay. I'll get my brother to do it, he can sell anything lol.

So I still haven't added the guy back yet. Hm... I think the reason behind that is because if I add him, I'm afraid I'm just going to spend all this time stalking him whereas if I just reject him I won't be able to keep checking his profile nor would I have the guts to even re-add him. Eh. I think I'll just flip a coin over this. I can't spend too much time thinking about it. I've already started studying for the damn midterm in like 2 weeks. Wth?! I know, I'm just so stressed right now. But when am I not?

Scientific Love

SO TODAY HAS BEEN A RELATIVELY GOOD DAY. I spent most of the day with my mom and we even baked two cakes together! And to top off the wonderful day... guess what happened?! The guy I had a crush on added me on Facebook!!! Gosh, I sound so high school-ish man. Okay, it's not a crush. I don't actually really like him. My attraction towards him is kind of strange. It's not like a strong ionic electrostatic attraction, it's more like hmm... van der Waal's forces or dipole attractions. Maybe more dipole dipole interactions. I mean, the attraction is only there when I'm with him and it's so on and off. You know... van der Waal's forces are actually pretty strong when there's a lot of them and they do help stabilize any large molecular structure...

BUT POINT IS. HE ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK!!! It's the guy I mentioned about, you know, the one I met at Science Rendezvous. Sigh. Too bad he isn't older than me... so do I accept or reject??? LOL.