I'm exhausted.

Why is everyday a fight? Why must I have to fight every single day? I'm so tired, I can't do it anymore. Even though I feel like I have so much to prove, I also feel that my life shouldn't be a battle every day.

Does everyone go through this or is it just me? Do you feel that every decision you make effects your entire future?

I want this so badly. I want it very badly but can I not fight so hard for it? Do you think that maybe it's just not meant to be? And it would be so much easier for me to just let go and move on?

I'm not asking for a free ride. I just want to know where I'm going. I just want to know the rode I'm taking is right. I'm just asking for directions. Can't you give me some? Can't you cut me a break? I've thrown everyone else out of the car already, it's just me and you, so can't you just let me win just one battle? All I need is to win one battle, just so that I can prove to myself that I do have the potential. I need to prove to myself that I have exactly what it takes and everything that I'm doing is worth it. I just want to prove to myself that I actually do have so much to prove.

Tuxedo Mask

I remember loving the Sailor Moon series when I was a kid. I had a huge crush on Tuxedo Mask because of the way he would randomly appear in her time of need and just rescue her. Even when I was a kid, I had a huge fetish for knights in shining armor.

You would think that such a girl like me would fall in love easily and quickly be swept off her feet, however, to my dismay, that's not the case. I'm 20 years old and I still haven't had my first boyfriend yet. I have virgin lips... sigh. When did Sailor Moon have her first kiss? 14? 16?

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, I'm desperate for love. I just want someone to love me for who I am and be there for me when I need them. I'm such an independent person and I find that that scares the guys away. Just because I'm strong and I don't cry over the fact my nail chips doesn't mean I don't need a guy to protect me.

But because of my parents and my friend's relationships with their boyfriends, I'm just absolutely terrified. Tuxedo Mask is a fairytale. No matter how bad things get, we know there's going to be a happy ending. But I watch my friends cry and beg for their boyfriends after they've been treated like crap because they're just so in love with them. I do not want to end up like that. I'm so scared to get into a relationship even though I really really want one.

Perhaps, I am capable of so much more but I'm just too scared to really chase after it in fear that I might fail. Maybe that's why I can't concentrate.

Point is, where am I going to find a guy who wants to date a girl who knows absolutely nothing about love and is absolutely terrified to get into anything? I want someone aggressive, not like bad-beat-you-up kind of aggressive, but someone who can put up with my stubborn-ness. Someone that can climb over my tower-high wall and see who I really am. Will I ever find a guy who's willing to do that? Or have I just been watching too many dramas and movies?

Right now. Love isn't the first thing on my mind but it's definitely not at the back of my mind. Every time I see a couple, I get so bitter that I can't be happy and in love just like them. I've always been single and miserable. I'm almost at the point of convincing myself that I can perfectly fine being single. I can be on my own with my friends and be happy. I don't need a guy in my life and it's a good thing that I don't have the experience because after I get my first boyfriend and I break up with him, I'm going to know how good (hopefully) it is to have a boyfriend and I won't be able to live without one.

I'm thinking too much. Aren't I? Whatever. Love hates me and I hate it back, which is probably why I'm not meant to have a boyfriend anyways.

Anyways, I don't just want any boyfriend. I have the perfect boyfriend. I want Tuxedo Mask.

Lost.

So I've come to realize that I'm not one of those people who can have everything in the world, who can be everything in the world. 

There are some girls out there who are athletic, beautiful, smart, kind and rich. I don't know how much more well-rounded you can be. I can't be that. I can't be BEAUTIFUL and SMART. Because when I study really hard, I look like a zombie the next morning. I can't be sociable and smart because I'll be too busy getting friendly with someone instead of doing work.

So I've come to the conclusion. It's okay. Not everyone can do everything. So I'm going to have to pick what I really care about and what I really want to be. I've decided, I'm going to be a doctor. 

I will. I repeat. I swear on my life at this very moment, I will become a doctor. I will work so hard like I've never worked before. I have to do this. I love singing. I love looking beautiful. I love being the centre of attention. But I NEED to be a doctor. It's my life. And if I can't be a doctor, I don't think it's ever going to be a life I want to be living. 

I am selfish like that. I want my mom to be proud of me and she's dedicated her entire life to me so the least I can do is fulfill my dream to be doctor so she can to be proud of me. I don't need friends. I don't need vanity. I don't need entertainment. I need to be a doctor and although I can't say that I will fight forever. But for the last 2 years of my undergrad, I have to fight harder so that I can at least tell myself that I TRIED my very hardest and I still failed. 

Goodbye blog. Goodbye other dreams. Goodbye other pieces of me. We will meet again I'm sure, until then, wish me luck on my battle to become the best that I can be.