Out of Control

I don't know what to do anymore!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you were to ask me what I really want to do right now, it's probably to take a rest from school and just reflect and like... take some time off. But I can't exactly do that.

Every year I promise myself to do better but it's not working! I think my greatest fear now is checking ROSI because I have no idea what to expect. I finally worked up the courage to check my marks and I'm so not happy. I'm not in any mood to do anything now. I just want to curl up into a ball in a little corner and cry my little heart out. Gosh. I don't know what to do. Honestly. Who do I turn to for help right now?! It's so useless talking to counselors because all they say is, "Well, try taking 1 course a year. A lighter workload might help." Yeah. I can't exactly take my sweet-ass time in university. I got to finish and get out of here. I'm definitely not telling my parents this. I don't know HOW to tell them. "MOM, DAD, I flunked like... three courses.... so... uh... what do I do now?" I can't even fathom a response.

Tonight. I will just finish up Science Rendezvous stuff and go crash so bad and wake up early tomorrow morning to head downtown and just... forget about all this. Because there really isn't anything I can do about it now. Sure, my future depends on it, LOL, but so does a lot of things.

I had 100 bottles of hope and now I'm done to 1... I don't know how much more tolerant I can be of this whole situation before I just toss the towel and call it quits. Argh. WHEN WILL I SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL?! Man, times like this, I wish my parents were like... Prime Ministers or from some Royal family who can pull some strings for me.

ON A GOOD AND HAPPY NOTE, I went shopping the other day and got new clothes just for the heck of it. I didn't need it but I realized how long it's been since I've stepped foot into a mall so I figured that before things get too hectic, I might as well spree 'til my heart's content. And... I guess it sort of is. But after seeing my marks, all the content is gone =(

Yesterday I went to the doctor's to get my TB test and my appointment was at 6:30, guess what time I went in?! AT 8:15!!!!!!!! It seemed like all the patients that went into his office disappeared into another vortex or something. I was beginning to think if they were all having a tea party in there or something? So when it was my turn to go in, I was like, "This better taking a DAMN LONG time." But for me, I literally walked in and walked right back out!!!!! I don't understand why it took all the others so long??? Sighsighsigh.

Random thought: I was on the subway when I thought of this. You know how people look like their pets? Or they like grow to look like their pets? I really do believe that this is true. So if like... you're really ugly or something, can't you just get a really cute pet? Then at least you'll grow to look cute... right? LOL. I don't know WHY I thought of something so ridiculous but that just popped into my head. Maybe I should do some scientific research on this.

Fetish

I realized that I have a huge fetish for guys in wife-beaters. LOL. Wife-beaters and hmm... army/navy pants? That's like insanely hot! And I also like guys dressed all in white... I'm not quite sure why. Watching 2PM's Comeback performance inspired me to make note of this on my blog. LOL. They have a new song out called Don't Stop Can't Stop, it's insanely cheesy, lol, but I found contradicting lines. One part says, "So we don't stop, we can't stop, until we reach the top." And in another part of the lyrics they say, "'Cause I got one shot to the top." So that means, if you only have one shot to reach the top, then doesn't that mean you have to stop? Of if you don't stop until you reach the top, that implies that you're going to keep trying, which means you have more than one shot. No? LOL. I don't know why I notice that.

I think I pay attention to lyrics of a song very intently and sometimes I let little things like that slip by if the song is good, but most of the time it completely turns me off. Like in Avril's song, When You're Gone, they lyrics go:

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you - I love this line
When you're gone the face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...

WHAT ABOUT THOSE WORDS?!

Recently, I've been listening to Katherine's new, well sort of new, song called Terrified. And the chorus goes:

I'm at the edge of my emotions, watching the shadows burning in the dark.
And I'm in love, and I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life.

What do you mean "in my only life"? How many lives do people usually have? Like... I don't get that line and why it's necessary. I guess the phonically speaking, it fits the lyrics but in terms of song meaning, that sounds retarded to me. But the song is good, so I forgive it.

So I'm on episode 8 of Cinderella's Sister, the drama has developed quite a bit. Eun Joo has stopped being so angry I think, well not stopped, but she's grown up so she's learned to communicate with people even if she's angry. The drama is kind of unpredictable, although many of the scenes are predictable because all Korean dramas are like that, the plot is surprisingly really spontaneous. I have no idea where the drama is heading. I don't know if the father is going to die or not because everyone says he is, that's why the drama is titled CINDERELLA'S sister. And then they say the step mother is going to be all evil, but I don't see how the mom can be evil enough to hurt Eun Joo or Hyo Sun. They're both adults, if anything, they can just run away from home.

I have to finish up training stuff for Science Rendezvous. BLAH.

Science and Haircut

I just got my haircut last Friday from Sora. I haven't been there before, I thought it was a Korean salon but it was actually Japanese... I find that the Chinese, Korean and Japanese hairstylists all have similar hair-cutting techniques. I've never been to a white place before so I don't know what it's like, but I'm sort of afraid to go since Asians' facial structures are different in many ways to Caucasian people. It's sort of like makeup, you know? If any Asian has ever let a white person put makeup on them, they would know exactly what I mean.

Even though I haven't been to this place before, I'd have to say that she did a pretty darn good job considering the fact that we couldn't communicate. Ugh... I was so afraid she was going to cut it short again or give me bangs. LOL!!! I'm never touching bangs again.

I've been really busy with Science Rendezvous. I'm kind of annoyed at this whole situation because I live so far and I actually have to waste so much money commuting down there and do all this crap and I'm not even getting any proper acknowledgment. Sighsighsigh. I'm kind of used to that anyways. I guess I'll get over it eventually.

Yesterday I was subwaying home at 10PM and this high school couple came in after a few stops and sat down right in front of my and like MAJOR PDA-ed. LIKE... REALLY?! And she was giving him a hickey on his neck right in front of me and they were experimenting kissing techniques. REALLY?! HONESTLY?! And they were so loud about it. Geez, people, stop flaunting your love in front of everyone, it's disturbing. But I guess high school kids tend to feel the need to express their love in front of everyone.

And then when I was on the Viva, there was another couple, I'm thinking they're in high school too, they looked really cool. LOL. Like the guy was kind of punky, since he had all this hair spiked up and the girl reminded me of Jessica Biel and they were just super cute together.

I'm catching up on my Korean dramas walking away, Person B runs away them, but Person A will still get away. Uh... either 1. Person A has super powers. 2. Person B needs to go get some exercise.

The drama isn't bad. I like the theme and all. There are a couple of things that annoy me:
1. Eun Jo needs to go see a therapist and learn how to smile.
2. Eun Jo and Ki Hoon need to go see a therapist together to learn how to communicate.
3. Hyo Sun needs to see a surgeon to remove all the plastic from her face.
4. Jung Woo needs to find a new hobby and stop following Eun Jo everywhere she goes.

That's about it. I think. Jung Woo is insanely hot. Taecyeon <3>

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO

Medical school looks really far away right now, even grad school, which was my backup, doesn't look like a good plan B anymore.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?! You know, I have seriously considered just dropping out and going to pursue music. Other than the fact that my parents would probably kill me, and I would struggle every day of my life to make a living, it IS possible. Right? LOL.

Words of wisdom: You should do something you like.

Well, I like to sleep and eat and blog. And go on youtube and facebook. But I can't exactly make career choices out of those things. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a PowerRanger. LOL. Although the Pink Ranger got all the love from the boy Rangers, I wanted to be the Yellow Ranger. Yellow because my comfort blanket was yellow and also because I thought she could fight so much better than the Pink.

To be honest, I think I just told everyone I wanted to be a doctor. I've never actually dreamed about it, never really imagined what it would be like to be a doctor. But then again, when I was a kid I didn't dream much about my future. I just imagined myself to be successful. LOL!!! Well duh, who the hell imagines themselves as a failure?!

So what do I do now? I have reached a point where I need to seriously consider the best option for me. It's no longer trial-and-error-see-how-things-work-out-just-go-with-the-flow. I thought of dropping out and just going to college and getting some job degree and getting my ass into the workforce. I don't know how easy/hard 3rd and 4th year will be and I sort of don't want to know... especially at UofT. I mean, when it's hard, it's REALLY REALLY REALLY impossibly hard. Ugh... I'm just not UofT material. But I also feel like if I give up now, I'll probably regret not even trying to finish getting my bachelors. And I thought of transferring to another university and doing my undergrad there, but that doesn't sit well with me either. Doing that will still make me feel like I gave up, except I would have a bachelors degree in my hand.

I still remember the days when I was in elementary school, and I got like an 80% on my math test and I nearly cried my eyes out. LOL!!! I remember just staring at the math test, running to the bathroom and just cried. My best friend came in and tried to comfort me and I told her how my life is over. LMFAO.

Then in high school, my first math test, I got 68%. And obviously, I didn't have any really close friends, so I had to hold in my tears and wait until I got home before I bawled my eyes out. HAHAHA. I remember just studying really really hard after that, and I don't know how, but I walked out of that course with a nice 80%, and this is coming from someone who was taught LONG DIVISION in grade 8. So I was so proud of myself.

Then in university, my first chemistry test, I got 30%. And I didn't cry, but I was just kind of shocked and in disbelief for like two weeks. And so I studied really really really hard. And I didn't finish the course that well. And I just thought, "Hey. It's JUST chemistry. If I work hard in my other courses, I can do well." And that... wasn't really true. Some courses, I'd half-ass study the night before and get this surprisingly good mark and I'd be like, "WTF?!" And other times when I study a month before the test, and I feel like I know EVERYTHING, and when write the test and walk out, I feel SO GOOD, but when I get my mark back, I would have no idea how the HELL I flunked it.

Sigh. Enough of a rant. I need to go study for my last exam.

God,
If you exist, can you please just pass me in all my courses? Honestly, I've never asked for much in life and even if I have, you've never given it to me. So please. PLEASE. PUH-LEASEEEE. PASS ME. I promise to never complain about my bad luck again. I promise to never beg for a pass again. LOL. I'll promise you whatever you want me to promise you. Just please give me a passing grade in all my courses.
Thank you.
-Stephanie

The Last Song Review

I watched this a few days ago but I'm giving myself a short break from studying right now so I might as well say something about it.

Did it live up to its hype? Hm... not really.

I'm not a huge fan of Miley, but I don't hate her either. This is her first breakthrough from Hannah Montana but I didn't see much of a difference really. I mean, it really just felt like watching Hannah Montana with some really hot dude beside her. LOL.

Liam is crazy hot, that's for sure. And no biased here, for a new actor, he carries out the scenes really well. I think him and the guy who plays Miley's dad in the movie pretty much carry the entire movie. Miley just sort of ruined it. Nicholas should've written the script for someone much more mature.

I really like the theme of the story though, even though it is really cliche. I think the boy, who plays Miley's younger brother in the movie, did a better job than she did. LOL. She was just so mehhh... she was supposed to be REBELLIOUS and going through this "typical difficult teenage time" but to me she just appeared to be bitchy and "too-cool-for-you". In other words, she was just herself. She didn't portray Ronnie.

The movie is better than Dear John though, that I agree completely. Every time I see a trailer for a Nicholas Spark's movie, I always have such high hopes for it but in the end it always disappoints. My favourite Nicholas Sparks movie has to be a A Walk to Remember. That's about it. The Notebook was good up to the ending, where I was kind of like, "Uhhh... so these two old people die together... in a bed... holding hands?" LOL, sorry I have a problem with old people romance. Nice plot though, the ending just needs some major revisions. Dear John was good at the beginning too but the ending was too rushed. The whole movie was about them meeting and falling in love and then the guy has to go off to some war, and the girl goes to marry some other guy because she can't stand being alone. And he comes back to visit her to see her "happily" married off and he gets all sad and he asks her why. Then later the guy that she marries, dies, and so now she's single again and she thinks that she can get back with John, the main guy. But HE DOESN'T WANT TO! And he goes off to war again. And she writes a letter to him saying that they will meet again. And ALL OF A SUDDEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, she's at a coffee shop and she looks outside the window and sees the guy. LIKE. WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?! And she goes out to hug him. THE END. And I was like, "Why not just flash another scene of them in a bed together, dead?" Because you know, that would really contribute to the theme of random romance.

And The Last Song, something similar happens too. Randomly, Liam shows up after Miley breaks up with him a gazillion years ago, and they get back together again. And people praise Nicholas for his "realistic portrayal of love". Uh, as far as I'm concern, people do not randomly disappear from war to show up at coffee shops with a bike. And people do not die together in bed at old age homes in sync, nor do people go to the beach and tell each other they're birds.

Some scenes in The Last Song do merit some kind of applause because it is very well executed, but most of it is just Miley running around on screen with a scowl on her face with a hot guy beside her.

I would not watch it again. Not for the plot anyways, I would watch it just to see Liam prance around on screen. He's so hot. Did I mention that already? He reminds me of someone. I think he reminds me of this boy in my grade 2 class named Zach. I don't remember his last name, all I remember was that he had this huge crush on Nicole. LOL. Of course, she wouldn't remember a thing.

Do you know what I hate? WHEN PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER IMPORTANT MEMORIES!!! And so when I tell her or anyone about this, people think I'm making it up. Honestly! Like in elementary school, there was this one game we played on the playground where everyone would try to stand on this tiny platform and one person would be at the side with their eyes closed. And because everyone is trying to stand on the platform, there's a lot of grunting and moaning sounds, LOL!!!!! And the person standing at the side is supposed to have "vivid imaginations". LOL!!!!! I SWEAR I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, it was NICOLE and DANNY who friggin' invented this damn game and Nicole doesn't remember it. So this totally makes me look like a damn pervert. BUT I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!! We made up a lot of games in elementary school but Nicole doesn't remember like HALF of them even though she was the one who invented everything. The only one she remembers is BRAINSUCKERS. OMFG I LOVE THAT GAME!!! I would totally play it again if I wasn't so out of shape. But yeah she only remembers that one probably because we played that one quite a bit. SIGH* I will NEVER forget that game.

POINT IS!!!!! I don't just make up memories or just put random people into my memories! These stupid stories are true and because no one remembers them, there's no "proof" that it actually happened.

Okay, I don't know how the movie review got so side-tracked, but the main point is that The Last Song is not worth your money, do not go watch it unless you're a Hannah Montana fan. Enough said.

I can't believe Miley is going out with Liam. Seriously?! I'm so surprised at all the older guys after her. She seems like such a kid to me. Liam is my age so I'm just thinking, if I were a boy right now, would I go out with her? No. But I think that's just because I have such a huge problem with dating guys my brothers age or younger. That just feels so wrong. I don't know about dating guys less than two years younger than me though... I still haven't figured out my rule to that yet. The older I get, the more younger guys I meet, LOL, so I kind of feel that I should keep my options open. I MEAN LOOK AT JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!! Seriously, I do not see why all this hate for Justin, he's so cute and he can sing~ If I were 15 or 16, how old is he? LOL. I would totally be head over heels for him. And I'd probably go to all his concerts and get all his CDs and buy all his t-shirts and stalk him all over his tours. BUT because, he's too young for me, I must refrain from doing all that. Besides, I have school. lol. Which is... the only reason I need.

I feel like school is taking over my life. I envy people who can have a life outside of school. JEN. I ENVY YOU!!! Even though, I must say you get so stressed over non-school stuff that I might have to reconsider the latter statement. But you are very lucky. VERY VERY VERY LUCKY.

Goodbye Teen Years

No longer a teenager. Yet I feel no motivation to "grow up" or change my ways to become a real adult.

I do feel old, I must admit but that's probably the only feeling I'm feeling right now. I can't believe when people ask me now, I'm going to say, "20".

20 is like the real age of an adult. It's wrong for a 40 year old to date a 19 year old, but it's okay for a 40 year old to date a 20 year old. It just seems less wrong. And when you're 20, people are supposed to take you seriously. And I sort of feel like I need a new wardrobe... lol. My closet is still full of so much kid-ish clothing. But it's the kid stuff that's more comfortable, I hate adult clothing, there's all these ruffles and it's made of "nice" fabric that's so easily damaged. And it's usually dry clean or hand wash. Ugh... And adult clothing is usually only good looking if you buy it to fit you, whereas teenage clothing can be loose and baggy. Sigh. Yeah. I need new clothes.

I need new accessories. I have all these teenage bracelets and earrings and necklaces. LOL! Whatever. I think I'll keep them until I feel ready to give them up. I don't feel like a real 20 year old right now I just feel the need to grow up BECAUSE I'm 20.

In the last 2 hours of my teenage years, I spent it on Youtube, stuffing myself with food, and procrastinating. Sounds like a good way to say goodbye to my teens. Sigh.

Oh. And did I mention that Sherry finally freaking damn got dropbox. SIGH. Took so much push and pull but I finally got her to get dropbox. And surprisingly, it wasn't as painful of a process as I thought it would be.
---
What I got out of my teenage years:

1. Never tell a boy you like him.
That's a big no-no. It's one thing to actively pursue the guy and it's another thing to tell him straight in the face. I did that once and it ruined my entire life. LOL. Okay, not my entire life but it ruined a lot of things.

2. Hormones do crazy things to you.
Sometimes when I'm really stressed, I get all these crazy feelings and ideas and emotions. So when I'm tired, stressed, angry, depressed, or emotional, I do not make any decisions. Because I know after a good meal, clean shower, and a good night sleep, everything changes the next morning.

3. Never say never.
I once told myself and a lot of people that I would not listen to music in languages that I do not understand. LOL. That completely changed. I also once said that I do not believing in lying. Ever. That completely changed too. I also once said I would never go to UofT. Pffft. Okay. Point is, the future is unpredictable, the impossible is possible.

4. I'm really good a cramming.
I can read a whole novel, write an essay and still get a decent mark, all in a matter of 10 hours. It merits some kind of credit, doesn't it?

5. I like stress.
As much as I bitch about it every single damn day of my fucking life, I always go looking for it. When I'm not stressed, I'll find something to stress myself over about and when I solve it, I complain about how boring my life is. And the next day I'll find something to stress over again and the cycle repeats.

6. Sleep is so important.
Sleep is not a waste of time. Never go a day, 24 hours, without sleeping, your brain starts to play funky mind games with you. And isn't there this crazy rule where if you miss one whole day without sleep, you have to sleep 48 hours to make up for it. Uh. Not cool.

7. Happiness is really hard to get.
I think when I was a kid, the smallest things would bring a smile to my face. Now, if you give me candy, I'd probably whack you with it. If I found a million dollars on the ground, I'd stress over what to do with it. I would go through an internal debate only to decide to return the money in the end. If I got a 4.0 GPA, I would stress over the need to maintain it FOREVER. Yeah, it's very hard for me to be happy. LOL. Well, long-term happiness anyways, I'm not some depressed emo kid who doesn't know how to laugh.

8. Family really matters.
No matter how much I argue with them or how much I say I hate them in the moment, at the end of the day, they would always be there for me. Always. At least... that's what I think. LOL.

9. Good friends are hard to come by.
So really treasure them when you have them.

10. Good music, good movies, good work-out, good food.
I need more of those in my life. And more clothes. And more shoes. And more handbags. And throw in a 4.0 GPA somewhere.

Yesterday was a LONG day.

So yesterday, I woke up at 6AM and just thought, "SHIT. I was supposed to wake up 3 hours ago to study." And since I live at home now, it takes 2 hours to get downtown. So I quickly got ready and ate something and hopped onto VIVA.

I was so tired that I couldn't even cram on the subway.

I didn't have enough time for the exam, so I just quickly bubbled in the last 10 questions on multiple choice. LOL. After that I had meetings for Science Rendezvous until 3:30.

I quickly ran over to Tartu to hand in my application form ONLY to bump into a friend on the way. And I haven't seen in a long time so we had a short conversation and before I knew it, it was already 3:54!!!!! And I ran over to Tartu and got there EXACTLY at 4. And the office was already closed. Ugh... thank goodness Jen was around, so I gave it to her to hand in for me today.

Then I had to rush over back to the apartment to meet up with Xinyue, the girl who I'm assigning my room to, to give her the keys. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

So when I got up to the apartment, I realized that they added a lock to the front door. So I was like, "WTF?! CAN YOU DO THAT?!" But because Xinyue told Ring that she was coming that day, they left the second lock unlocked. So I went in and I found that my BEDROOM WAS OPEN!!!!! So a gazillion thoughts went into my head:

1. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY OPEN IT?! I locked the door when I left and they don't have keys to my bedroom.
2. WHYYYY DID THEY OPEN IT?! Sure, I don't live there anymore, but I don't officially move out until April 15th, they can't just walk into my room without permission!!!!!
3. WHY IS EVISON'S BED IN MY ROOM?! Yeah that's right, when I walked into the room, Evison moved his bed in there with some stuff. LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK?!

And obviously, Xinyue was kind of like, "Errr... is this your stuff? What's going on?" And clearly, I had no idea what was going on. So I told her to talk to them because obviously I wasn't going to do it. Seriously, these guys are so stupid and fucking retarded. But anyways, I gave her the keys and asked her to inspect the room to make sure that she was okay with the condition and there were no damages to it. And then I moved my shoe rack out of the place.

I was late for volunteering at 5 because to get there in time I would have to hop onto the subway exactly at 4. It was already like 4:30. And I was thinking of just throwing my shoerack at Jen's place because it was so damn heavy. But then I thought about how Jen finishes her exams today, and she'd probably go home after, then I don't know when I'd go pick it up since I don't know when she'd be downtown again. So in the midst of rushing to volunteer and carrying this frigging shoerack, I just opted to carry the thing on the subway to the volunteer place. I looked like such a hobo on the TTC, it honestly looked like I picked up the shoerack from a junkyard, threw it into a garbage bag and now I'm dragging it back to my shack. LOL.

After volunteering, I had to drag it onto the TTC, Viva Purple then Viva Blue. And when my dad saw it today, he was like, "Oh... why did you take it home? You should've just thrown it away." And I just thought... UGH... YOU COULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE?!

But honestly, it's perfectly new shoerack, I don't know why I would throw it away. LOL.

Sigh. I wish I could sue those damn guys for trespassing without permission. But whatever. It's over with. I agree with Sherry that I should've done something really bad to them before I left. Sigh.

I don't want to know.

For once, I actually do not want to know my marks. I know I pretty much failed the exam for ANA301, the midterm I wrote last Friday.

I know if I look at it and I see that failing mark, I'm going to think either:
1. SHIT. I have to do REALLY REALLY REALLY well in all my exams to make up for it.
2. Damn. What's the point? Doesn't matter if I study or not, results are still going to be crap.

The first one will just put pressure on me and the second one is just going to de-motivate the very little motivation that I still have left in me. So. I just don't want to know.

I have so much shit to do. I don't know how I got myself into all these extra-curriculars. But I think it's all these extra-curriculars that make me feel like my whole year didn't go to waste and I actually accomplished something.

Anyways, I'm at Robarts right now, just about to leave but I have to say that the guy behind me really stinks. I'm pretty tolerant of people's body odour but this one is really bad. Every time he moves, his scent just gushes over to my side and the smell rushes up my nose. UGH...

Two more exams. I don't have to win, but I can't lose.

Untitled

Stephanie says (8:11 PM):
oh
it's okay
anywayz do you want the pictures? if you do there's this thing called dropbox
Sherry says (8:12 PM):
DUDE
LMAO
this is like
the 5th time
u've mentioned dropbox
now tell me what it actually doe
does*
Stephanie says (8:13 PM):
LMFAO
OKAY
LISTEN UP!!!
i explained it in the emialr eady!!!
but what it is
Sherry says (8:13 PM):
LOL
Stephanie says (8:13 PM):
it's like this BOX
like a folder
Sherry says (8:13 PM):
ok
Stephanie says (8:13 PM):
that you can oput on your computer
Sherry says (8:13 PM):
wait
like a literal box
lol

YES SHERRY CHEN! BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IT'S SO POSSIBLE TO JUST TAKE A BOX AND PUSH IT INTO YOUR COMPUTER. Sigh... I don't even have a title for this post because I don't even know what to call this...

York, can sometimes kick ass.

So I'm writing up my last, VERY VERY VERY research talk. A professor from York University came over to University of Toronto to do a lecture on the brain and it was SO AMAZING.

I love how I understood every word she said and she defined all the terms and used all these analogies and she incorporated the audience into the lecture. It was SO GOOD. Like after the lecture, which I had to only listen ONCE through, no repeats whatsoever, I learned so much. Unlike UofT lectures, where I would have to listen to the lectures over and over again and still be like WTF?!

Things like this just make me want to just run over to York and be like, "PLEASEEEEEE TAKE ME IN!!!!!" And sometimes it's not even about the marks anymore, it's just the feeling of ACTUALLY learning and RETAINING something. What's the point of trying to memorize all this crap just to forget it SECONDS after the exam. SO 辛苦.

I am so upset right now.

I've never really cared much for money or prestige. However, I also won't not find it offensive if you happen to think that I am a materialistic person or that I like brand-name items.

If you buy me something really expensive because you think I'll like it, I wouldn't really care. I mean, you THOUGHT about it. If you buy me something really expensive because you know GENERALLY people like it and you ASSUME that I will like it, I wouldn't really care either, I mean, you THOUGHT about that too. For the longest time, the cliche phrase, "it's the thought that counts" has never meant anything more to me than a cliche phrase. It wasn't until today when my brother got me my birthday gift that I realized that it has a much stronger significance to me. Not only did he spend more money than he should've, he bought something that I did not want at all.

Small thing. But to me, big thing. Earphones. I go through earphones like paper, which is exactly why I don't buy expensive earphones. I buy really cheap ones because I know they'll probably break 3-4 months later. It's like... a peeve of mine. I just don't like expensive earphones because I think it's such a waste of money since they have the same lifespan as cheap ones, for me anyway.

JUST this morning, my brother asked me if I wanted any earphones because he was going to order some online for himself. I said, "No. I don't use expensive earphones. I only like using cheap ones."

Later, he went out with his girlfriend, I don't know why. And just now he came home with expensive earphones and he said, "Elaine and I thought about it and decided to get you earphones." No card. No bag. Just a box of earphones.

I might sound so stuck up and bitchy but honestly, this year for his birthday, I spent so much time writing a note for him. And I tried to surprise him with it. I put so much thought into getting him something he might actually like. And what? In the end, not only did he waste his money, but he wasted it on something that I've told him so many times that I DON'T want.

What pisses me off is that he doesn't even care. I mean, sure you have a girlfriend, who you can spend hundreds of dollars on, but you can't spend 2 seconds to think about something that I might ACTUALLY like. Heck, I'd be more happy if he went to the dollar store and got me a pair of dollar earphones, at least they'd be something I would use.

HONESTLY. SO ANGRY. I seriously felt like he just went out with his girlfriend and since he didn't want to waste time buying a gift for me, he just went into a store and randomly picked something up. Ugh...

I guess now I know, "It's the thought that counts" actually means something to me.

I'm not afraid to fail.

I think last year and this year has proven to me that I can fail even if I try not to. In high school, I always thought that I would have to TRY to fail but of course, that was high school, not the real world.

Sherry told me that she wants to work to live whereas I would want to live to work. And for the longest time I agreed with what she said because I really want a job that I like and actually be able to wake up every morning and say, "Yay! Work!" LOL. But for Sherry, she would OBVIOUSLY prefer a job that she'll enjoy but at the end of the day, she just wants a job that can put food on the table.

But now that I think about it, I think I actually want to work to live not live to work. Even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a job that I'll enjoy, I think I put a lot of things ahead of career. My family, friends, happiness, seeing the world, experiencing new things... Sometimes I feel like I won't be able to get all of that if I'm so dedicated to my job or my work.

University of Toronto has changed my perception to EVERYTHING. And I guess in some way for the better. I want to do well, I will still aim for that 4.0 every year, but along the way, I want to make friends, be a good friend, experience things and just really live.

I remember first year, I SERIOUSLY considered just throwing myself in front of a bus because I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like such a useless person. I wasn't suffering from depression, I was just stressed. But marks and a high GPA does not define who I am as a person. Marks get you really far in life, without them, you would probably be closing a lot of doors. However, I'd rather be self-fulfilled and happy with limited opportunities than to be a person with a high GPA with a lot of greatness ahead of me but just be a completely empty person.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I would like to live comfortably without having to worry about my bills or if I can get my kids to university, but I don't need all the money in the world. And if I did have a lot of money in the world, I'd probably end up giving so much of it away to friends, family and charity.

I remember this one time, the jackpot was $20 million for 6/49, and a friend asked me what I would do with that money if I won. Honestly, I would probably give away $1 million to each of my close friends because I think I only have about 5-6 close friends. I would donate $6-7 million to charity. And most people would think, "OH MY GOD, you're giving it all away!"

No. I would still have around $9 million or so. I would keep $2 million and give the rest to my mom. And maybe give something to my brother, lol, I can't forget him. As much as I rant about how much I just want to sleep for the rest of my life and do nothing, deep down, I don't want that. lol. My entire life I've been so busy and stressed, and sometimes I say things like that because I just WANT A DAMN BREAK FROM IT ALL. But after a month of nothing, I would probably want to head out to the battlefield again and stress myself out all over again. Just because I won the lottery, I would never quit my job, unless of course, I was like 50, then I might just want an early retirement.

You guys may think that I'm probably just "making this up" and if I really did win $20 million, I wouldn't be handing out money like that. Well, I'm saying this as if I were an adult and I was a doctor whose living comfortably. I mean, if I won the money NOW, I'd probably just give it all to my parents. LOL. And of course, if I were a hobo and I won that money, I'd obviously use it on myself first since I would probably not have any friends to give the money to, lol. And if I DID have friends, I would probably have borrowed so much money from them, so I would use that money to pay off my debts WITH interest. LOL. But bottom line is, I don't see why any ONE person would need $20 million. There are people out there who need it more than you do. And it's not even about fairness, the fact that someone is worst off than you and you're the one who’s masked in the luxury of the money and they're suffering, it's about humanity, helping those who NEED it more than you do, doing the RIGHT thing, being a HUMAN being who has FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and has the ability to feel SYMPATHY.

I guess I'm writing this just because I feel like the majority of the people are warped in another mindset. It would be wrong for me to say, "Just be a good person, that's all you need in life. Don't worry about your marks, don't worry about your job. Don't worry at all! Just be a good person."

You should be strong, smart and knowledgeable of the world, fight for what you believe in, love your friends and family, be happy, live your life and live it as a good person.

But of course, if everyone was like that in this world, there wouldn't be any wars or fights. And the government wouldn't need to spend millions of dollars every year on research for nuclear weapons instead of putting it towards cancer research. Ugh... can you believe we're wasting money on FINDING ways to kill each other? I think that's so ridiculous. Like pollution, chemicals, viruses, and all the radiation out there isn't enough to kill us, we need to develop more ways to a faster death.

I hope you find it.

I thought I knew you so well. I thought you and I had a connection that only you and I would understand. You love me so much more than I could ever love you. I try to love you. No, I try to love you AS MUCH as you love me but I guess, it hasn't come to time where I can understand that strength of love.

As a very important person in your life, I just wish I could give you all the happiness in the world to makeup for all the times that I hurt you, to makeup for all the times I was insufficient in loving you. I try so hard to make things easier for you but because of time and distance, I'm unable to be everything that you want me to be.

I just want to see you happy. I always thought I knew the key to your happiness, I just couldn't get it for you. But now that I can get it for you, I realized that maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, another... flaw in my love for you.

I can't bring you your happiness like the way I thought I could. I wish I could say these words to you so you would understand how this makes me feel as a person, but I'm thinking this isn't the time or the place for it.

You probably thought there is probably more to life than what is given to you, and I promise you there is more. You just have to walk out a little farther, go a little deeper into that forest and I promise you, there is more for you out there. I wish I was strong enough to hold your hand and walk out there with you, but I'm not. I thought I could go out there myself and get it for you, but it's not what you wanted. I don't know what you want.

Whatever it is you're missing in your life, whatever it is you want, whatever it is that brings a smile to your face every morning, I hope you find it. And when you find it, it's not too late to appreciate it and hold onto it for the rest of your life.

I hope you find it.

STUDYING WEEK.

April 8th 2010

2:52AM
So... nothing went according to plan. Figures. Nothing in my life goes according to plan so this is nothing new. I'm so tired at the moment. But I feel like I have to get something done or I'll feel really useless. Jen is here right now with me too. Poor her. She has an exam in like 6 hours. SIGH*
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April 7th 2010
-finished writing 80% of essay
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April 6th 2010
-summarized 3 articles for PSY299
-left at 8AM after registering for summer courses on ROSI
-showered
-came home at 10 and slept until 1
-needed to go to Robarts to finish essay
-Jen came around 7:30-ish with food
-went home to grab STUDENT CARD at 10
-came back and stayed until 4

2:26PM
I just suddenly really miss my mom. LOL. I KNOW!!! WHAT A BABY!!! I think when I feel really stressed, I just think of my mom because my brain shuts down and I can't think of anything else except for the fact that I want to go home. And when I think of home, I think of my mom and good food. LOL. I really want something good to eat. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. I think stress in general just makes me gain weight because of those crazy hormones that are released that lead to fat storage. Ugh...

My goal is to finish summarizing all the articles by 4PM, 5PM latest. Then I can spend 6 hours putting the rest together. And afterward, spend that last 30 minutes to proofread everything. I also want to finish up my last critique. I'll listen to it, take some notes and just finish it up tonight as well. My goal is probably to finish it around 2-3AM. I would probably take a break then to go grab some coffee or tea? Something to keep me up for the rest of the night to finish up listening to all my ANA301 lectures. After I'm done those, which will probably be sometime tomorrow afternoon, I'll go home to eat, shower and then sleep.

5:00PM
I JUST finished taking notes on all the articles. I have to get cracking on my essay now. But I'M HUNGRY. I sort of have a feeling that if I leave to get food, I'm going to lose my concentration.
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April 5th 2010
-went to Robarts library at 8PM
-Jen came at 10?
-went out to eat at 2AM-ish

I hate leaving home.

I sound like such a big cry baby. But I hate having to go back to that stupid apartment. I'm leaving tomorrow noon since I have to be down there around 4 to finish up some Science Rendezvous stuff. I'm so glad that next week I can just leave that place forever. I'm thinking that since exams start, there really is no reason for me to stay there and live with people who are such losers. I might as well just come home once exams begin and live in a nicer and friendlier environment.

This year has been so rough. I just want it to end. Some dead person once said that there were no failures in life, just experiences and your reactions to them. I'd like to agree with that but honestly, what do you mean there are no failures in life?! Getting 2/10 on my quiz is not just an experience and MY mere reaction to it, it's a COMPLETE failure on my part. LOL. Although this entire year felt like a complete EPIC failure to me, I guess I can say, in this case, it was just ONE BIG LIFE EXPERIENCE and a lesson well-taught. Lessons well-taught.

1. Never ever freaking sign contracts without thinking. NEVER. Think of the worst that can happen and IMAGINE it actually happening. And then imaging LIVING in that condition for the date specified in the contract. No matter how small the chance of it happening, you still need to consider it.

2. Not all your friends will like you. I guess I sort of always knew this. I've always categorized friends into four groups:

a. LEECHES. Friends who only want to take take take take take from you. They know you got the goods and so they just want in on some of it. They pretend to be your BEST FRIEND whenever they need something but after that, they won't even remember your name. I don't have any goodies, so I don't really attract these types of people. I'm not rich or smart or have amazing connections, so I don't really worry about meeting leeches.

b. MONKEYS. I scratch your back and you scratch mine. These are the people who use you and you use them back. It's an unspoken rule but it's very clear that you two are just "friends"... with side benefits. A real friendship is unlikely to develop but it can possibly happen. Your friendship is like a business transaction. I tend to have many of these types of friends and I don't really mind. I mean, these are the people in my lectures, I send them notes when they're sick and they send me recordings that I need. We're on friendly terms. We'll sometimes call each other up and rant to each other about how much our professors suck but other than that, that's as far as our friendship goes.

c. ANTS. Your neutral everyday friend. They are everywhere. For example, the classmate who once shared a cookie with you on her birthday, and then you two realized that you both love Pokemon. And... that's the end of it. These types of friendships are usually awkward because usually the both of you have different ideas of how close you two actually are and you never know whether or not you can ask them out for coffee or borrow their notes without looking like a poser or a user. I meet a lot of these people and they're nice to have around. These are the people that I actually treat pretty well just because it's better to have a friend than an enemy. However, they're also people I know I don't "click" with and so they only remain ants. On the exterior, I feel like they're nice, good people. However, I can't give any other sort of deeper impression of them since I don't know them that well.

d. PANDAS. Rare. Good friends. Not necessarily the ones you can ALWAYS count on but the ones you "click" with. It's hard to explain this click. They're not always the people who treat you well or the ones that actually really care about you, but they're the ones who just understand you. They may not be able to keep secrets, or give advice, or be that shoulder for you to cry on, but they get you. I'm strange and all over the place and so to find someone who gets me, I cling on and like NEVER EVER WANT TO LET THEM GO.

3. Not everyone makes it their obligation to be nice. This I had to learn the hard way. I always thought that the only reason there were nasty people out there was because 1. they were having a bad day and they weren't actually nasty or 2. they put up a facade because something bad happened to them in the past. LOL. BUTTTTTTTT. Now I know there are just nasty people out there because they were just born that way or they were just raised that way, I don't know.

4. Seek help when needed. I always thought I could handle everything myself, but that's so far from the truth. This year, I think I asked for help in every possible direction, from friends to counsellors, to lawyers, to parents. It's a good thing. You shouldn't be ashamed of it, there are people out there who do know more than you and will probably be able to give you a clear and more rational layout of the entire situation.

5. Always try. You may not succeed, you may never succeed but that's not an excuse for not trying. It's better to try and fail then to just not try at all. I think sometimes when I know I'm going to fail, I just don't try because I think, "Why bother? The results will be the same." But the process of trying and failing actually feels different from not trying at all and failing. There is a difference.

Early 20th.

I celebrated my 20th birthday today with my two very good friends. Yeah, it's a little early, but if I don't do it now, I'd have to celebrate my birthday late, and that's... a bad thing people say.

I have lost a lot of faith in friends but these two are the two people I can say will not judge me, will always be there for me, and will always be my friend. I can't say we'll actually be friends forever, but I know they're just good people in general, so it leads me to believe that they won't just pack their bags and leave. Or be the biggest bitches in the world. I mean, one of them thinks she gave birth to a penguin and the other one just doesn't think at all. So... <3. They are totally my kind of people!!! LOL. Small birthday but I had so much fun. I don't think I've eaten so much meat before!!! I was really stuffing my mouth with beef, lamb and fish. The chicken was really good, I don't know why I didn't order more of that. I didn't like the mushrooms... they were kind of random and Sherry decided to order red and green pepper which was sort of... weird. LOL. And she REFUSED to eat any sushi because it would make her full and hence she wouldn't be able to eat her money's worth of meat. LOL. What a carnivore. There was also this waiter with some crazy-ass smile. I don't think I've ever seen anyone smile like that before!!! All the muscles on his face moved when he smiled and it was such a forced smile. I can't explain it. It was just creepy. BOTH Jen and I agreed that it was creepy and we told Sherry about it and when she finally saw the smile she was like, "Oh. I like it." *headdesk*. Sometimes I wonder how we get along considering how our opinions on EVERYTHING vastly differ by ends of a spectrum. But the service at Chakos is AMAZING. Everything you order comes out so promptly, you don't have to wait at all. I love them mango pudding and ice cream. I like how they're pretty generous with their desserts because usually when you order ice cream at AYCE places, they give you this tiny teaspoon. And all the guys who work there seemed pretty nice, so I'd definitely go back to that place again. Afterward we had nothing to do so we just drove to Silvercity's parking lot and sat there and talked. Sherry also wanted to go to Shopper's and Jen needed a bathroom so we walked over to the next plaza which had both so "TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE". I was planning to drive Jen to Finch just because it was so late already but then she said Jack would come pick her up! So I made it my mission to GIVE HIM THE DIRECTIONS to get here. He's a pretty cool guy, I guess. He doesn't seem like the type to say some of the stuff to Jen's been telling us but I guess they don't have that Chinese saying for no reason, “知人口面，不知心”。I hope I typed that right. LOL. Wow. I'm glad I got to celebrate my birthday today. I needed something fun before exams man. I'll upload pictures soon =).

SO PROUD. Sorta.

Lie, cheat, steal. Whatever you call it.

Yesterday Evison asked me to pay him for the internet fees for March, in which the bill arrived, and April's as well. Of course, April's bill hasn't come yet but he wanted me to give it to him ahead of time and I don't know what I was thinking about I did it anyways.

After my shower, I thought to myself, "Why do I have to give him internet fees ahead of time?" I mean, the bill for April will come at the END of April, so my new roommate will have to handle it. If anything, I'll just split half of it with my new roommate since I'm staying until April 15.

So I just thought, "Hey, since I already paid the bill for the month of April. I should just ask my new roommate for half of it back." But then I thought, "Why do I have to do this? Protocol-ly speaking, the bill doesn't come until END of April and by then my name is off the contract, so if anything, my new roommate should be responsible for April's internet fee and I pay her back my portion of it since I'm staying until April 15th."

So I worked up the courage and went back to Evison and asked for it back. LOL. And he was like, "It's still 15 bucks. Just have the new roommate give you half of it back."

And I was like, "That's not the point. If you're going to follow everything by the books, obviously, you shouldn't be taking my money early."

And he just kept on saying, "It's just $15. It's just $15." Like WTF?!

So I said, "I already gave my portion to my new roommate. So she should pay you when the time comes." WHICH IS A LIE.

And he gave me my money back. *SMILES REALLY BRIGHTLY* I'm so proud of myself.

Did I tell you I lost 3 USB drives? Yeah, not proud of that. And on there, I probably have some very important documents!!! SIGHSIGHSIGH.

Please, God. Have someone please return it.