All the nasty emotions...

I am...

STRESSED
because I have so much stuff to do and I have 2 tests coming up and I'm not ready for ANYTHING!!!

PRESSURED
to do better this year which is adding onto my stress.

ANGRY
because I lost three USB drives and because KARMA isn't paying me back!!! I return what I find why can't other people do that?!

SAD
because I have to leave back to the stupid apartment tomorrow.

DISAPPOINTED
in a friend right now because he... well, he always does.

TIRED
because of stress and not enough sleep.

WORRIED
that my other roommate might not sign the contract and I'm going to be stuck at the apartment until August which will probably lead me to commit suicide. And I'm also worried that something is just going to go wrong.

What have I ever done?

to deserve this.

So the girl who was MY ONE HOPE to move into my place so that I could move out completely bailed out of appointment. She didn't give me an e-mail, no phone call, nothing. Either 1. she forgot or 2. she got into a car accident.

I mean, there's no reason for her to not pick up her phone. Right? I'm so stressed right now.

Late.

I finished my assignment today. Late. And I finished watching Dear John.

Funny how both those things taught me that time does run out and it doesn't last forever. You will always want to put off doing things that you don't want to do or too scared to do. But remember, you don't have all the time in the world. Why not do what you can do while you still can?

That essay you don't want to write, why not write it now? Finish it tomorrow? And forget about it. That person you're just so scared to confront because you don't know how they will react. Why not tell them now? Take it as it is. What's the worst that can happen? Move on.

My life has always been a race against time. Piano lessons, swimming lessons, assignments, making phone calls for my parents, running around to classes. I've always been in a hurry to finish those things. I've always been pressed for time growing up. And I guess now that I'm grown up, I feel like I don't want to be rushed to do things. I want to do them at my own pace. And by that, it is usually very slow. So slow that you can say... never ever getting to them.

I miss my mom when I'm on my own. My friend Jennifer thinks it's because I'm in such a bad situation with my roommates but I think it's because I honestly miss my mom. I don't know. Maybe I can tell next year when I move in with a bunch of new people.

I have a lab and quiz tomorrow. I'm not prepared for it but I know I will have to get to it soon since I want to do well. I want a nap but I feel like it will be a nap that I will not wake up from.

I miss my mom. I want to call her. I miss her so much. She's probably sleeping right now. It's late. I miss my mom. I'm so glad I'm going home this weekend.

Mistakes.

I make so many mistakes in one day, sometimes, I think I'm so lucky to make it out at the end of the day alive. I know I'm human and humans make mistakes but sometimes the mistakes I make are SO bad that there's no way for me to go back. I know there are people out there who think they're perfect in every way, and they don't make mistakes. Those people are delusional and I refuse to stoop down to that level. I'm bigger than that. I will admit to my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will move on. That's what life is about, isn't it? Learning and growing and becoming a better person?

But even until today, there are mistakes that I wish I could take back and I just can't move on from them. I can't tell my friends about these mistakes because I know they will never forgive me. I know I can trust a good friend to not judge me but these are very detrimental mistakes that could ruin our friendship forever. I worked so hard to build my life back together. It's still not perfect yet but I'm working at it. I'm fixing my mistakes and trying to never make them again. Every single day it's a fight. But sometimes I feel like the past comes back to haunt me and I just can't escape it. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm no longer that person in the past and that I am a better person now, I still feel bad, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's always going to be apart of me and there's no way to escape it.

Sometimes I wish I had amnesia, or had someone to brainwash me. I know the past made me who I am today. I should be grateful for it for making me a better person but I can't help but think that I was once this horrible friend and it still lives inside me.

I can't forget. I will never forgive myself. But I guess, there are some things in life where you don't need to forgive and forget to find closure. Sometimes all you need is to know the reason for it. And the reason being that it made you a better person should be sufficient for you to close the file, finish the chapter, dot your i's and cross your t's and close your eyes at night.

Time for Change

I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:

I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.

I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures [that] are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.

I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.

I will not be ashamed to say "I know not," nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery.

I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.

I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.

I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.

I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.

If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.