If I die young.

There's still a song I can't sing.

I can't write the melody without December.

Summer has left us a cold front residue 

with dead leaves by which to remember.

My hands and feet are always cold.

I shiver, not from cold, but from heat.

Where did it come from and where will it go?

Will my missing piece ever be complete?

The heat melted the ice from the mirror, 

I took another look before it was forever gone.

I fought the fog, the water drops, the bubbles to see

everything I had once thought was my written song.

My eyes couldn't open, I could feel my lips sewn.

I smelt a light, familiar, musky wisp of loneliness.
The big hand I once held left me long ago,
so long that I can find the words to condemn address.

There lies the quiet mouse, too afraid to whisper
the truth behind the lies that lie behind the wind.
The waves, the rain, the water is to cleanse
everything within sunlight's glint.

If I die young, take my heart and sell it for a dollar,
for it won't matter much too much later.
If I die young, the equation will finally equate,
with tears of joy that can finally dictate.

The Discovery of Evolution

First year sucked. Second year sucked even more. Now I'm in third year. Before I begin my little spazz on absolutely nothing important, I have to point out that I am not procrastinating at this moment, but simply taking a break from my History of Evolutionary Biology course.

I remember going into first year, taking the BIO150 course and ended up being very disappointed, not only because of my mark but because of the content taught. They taught us clouds and winds, soil and plants, rocks and animal habitat. The 101 course for biology in university should be HUMAN biology not WORLD biology. The content taught was dry and boring, I completely lost interest. The profs that taught the course were from the EEB department, the department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology. I swore to never take a course in that department.

How smart of me, eh? I learn from my mistakes. I took a road, didn't really like it, and never went on it again.

I stuck to the HMB department, human biology department. Why, you ask? Because that's what I've always loved my entire life. Please, when I was 8, I read books on the human digestive tract. No joking! I didn't fare too well in my second year courses. I figured it was because I didn't study hard enough or the profs were just in a terribly bad mood when writing the test questions.

Of course, the former and the latter, I'm sure, did play a big part in my failure in second year as I refused to admit that my level of interest had nothing to do with it. I LOVEd HUMAN BIOLOGY. I LOVEd PSYCHOLOGY.

It wasn't until this year, I went to the HMB department for some counselling and they pointed out reasons why I wasn't doing so well then everything made sense. I knew what I wanted to study, but I was, in fact, in the wrong program. At that time, I was doing a major in Cell & Systems biology and a major in Neuroscience and a minor in Physiology.

Sure, those majors are from the HMB department... BUT... the courses required for the program were not my field of interest. I didn't like studying tiny invisible molecules or mixing God-knows-what substance with each other for a mere colour change. I had absolutely no interest in learning about how alpha, beta, gamma motifs made up proteins. Proteins are about as small as I'm willing to go in terms of size and depth, but we were learning THINGS THAT MADE UP PROTEINS, AND THINGS THAT MADE UP THE THINGS THAT MADE PROTEINS! WHAT?!

Call me shallow, but I refuse to dive into such depth of knowledge because it was absolutely useless. Not useless to the world of science but useless to me. It didn't satisfy my need to see the big picture. It didn't satisfy my need to learn the human body and behaviour.

So I switched programs. I kept my neuroscience major only, not because I wanted to, but because I've wasted too much time on it to give up on it now. I'll simply just throw it onto my list of challenges I have to overcome. I can't have everything I want in life. I am now a Behaviour specialist. Scary, I know. The word specialist gives me a burden because anyone who is a "specialist" in science almost equates the Holy Jesus.

I thought it would take a while for me to "settle down" and take in the new program. I mean, my classes have completely re-allocated from the Con Hall area to the Robarts area. It feels much closer to home, no pun intended. Little did I know that I am simply in love with all my courses this year. These courses do feel like a lot more work but I can actually, pretty much, stay awake in all my classes in which most of them are back to back. I haven't been to the labs yet and I have a feeling they're going to be completely different. The last 2 years my labs were always indoors, with a white lab coat and goggles. This year, most of my labs are either outdoors, where I collect my data, or in a computer lab, where I do statistic analysis on the data I've collected. I don't know if this is what I want yet. I have my labs tomorrow.

Hopefully, all goes well so I can say that I absolutely ADORE my new programs and that I have no regrets on such a big move in the middle of my undergraduate years.

As for my minor, I've jumped from Physiology to East Asian Studies. I'm not focused on completing a minor, I hope I can finish it but if I can't, it's not the end of the world. A specialist and a major is all I need to graduate with a Honours Bachelor of Science.

Optimism at it's best.

Life would've been too easy for me to just graduate just like that.

I'm way too good to be given the easy route out of this. Trust me, I may not know what I can or can't handle but God would never give me something I can't handle.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not religious but I do believe there is a higher being watching over everything. And though this higher being may not be driving the ship, it surrounds the ship as waves and winds.

I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, what's taken must be given back.

Everyone lives their life in their own way at their own pace with their own reasons. I'm not to judge.

There's always a way out. I don't believe that when a door closes another one opens or some stupid window out of nowhere just randomly pops out for you.

If life were a row of doors, some would already open for you the day you're born. They're there ready for you to walk through it in which you're faced with another set of doors... some are open and some are not. Time and choices within and beyond our control closes these doors. But did we forget that doors have the ability to be open? To be unlocked and opened again? When a door closes in life, why can't we just unlock it and open it again? Why can't we wait to see if someone can open it for us? Why MUST we walk through another door or climb into another window? I mean... if that door is so stubborn and refuses to open, then perhaps its better to move on. But why move into another home so quickly when you already had one to begin with?

I don't believe in new beginnings or happy endings. There's no fresh start. I don't believe every day is a brand new day for you to start again. What you did yesterday is still there, what you didn't do yesterday is still behind you, and what you wanted to do yesterday will always be the regret you wish you didn't taste. Karma may be a circle but life isn't. You don't go around and around... life is a line, hence the existence of timelines in history. There are no new beginnings, no way recover the damage you've done, no way to preserve the success you've accomplished. Killing someone, going to jail and finally coming out doesn't mean you have a fresh start. Your crime is on paper, in records, in memories. The circle doesn't start again, you have a past, you have history, your timeline has time done on it.

Move on and do better. You may be haunted by your past but those are consequences that you will never be able to rid. Try and you'll simply be living in another reality that doesn't exist. Second chances don't exist for you to make up for what you did, you can only do better. You're only human. I don't even think God can stop time, redo time or make up for time, so why do you even bother trying?

No one lives a perfect life without mistakes and shame. We are all guilty whether other people know the lies we've told to the world or to ourselves. You will never walk on a path that you can't handle. God may not open doors but I'm sure God doesn't build walls or dead ends.

So do what you didn't do yesterday, and though you can't make up for the fact that you didn't do it yesterday,  the fact that it's late and overdue, but at least you did it. It's written on your timeline now.

I don't believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think whatever doesn't kill you may make you smarter and more experienced but not stronger. People who can heart attacks and live aren't more immune to them. In fact, they're more likely to get heart attacks again than someone who hasn't experienced one before. Catching a cold or a bacterial infection builds your immune system, making it smarter as it learns new ways to protect you in the future, your immune system isn't stronger. If your immune system meets a new infection, it won't be able to protect you. Your failures don't make you a stronger person and it wouldn't be fair if it did. Someone who's gone to jail isn't on equal levels as someone who hasn't. A criminal record doesn't kill you but it doesn't make you stronger. So where in the world did this idea of almost being killed makes you stronger? But who needs to be strong anyways, isn't the whole point of life to live?! Isn't that why we climb mountains and go sky diving? So that we can experience both sides of every story? A strong person does die. What's the meaning of strong to you if you don't even know what it means to be weak?

I do believe in destiny. I do believe things out of our control happen. But all that happens for a reason. God won't give us anything we can't handle. And if he does, that's what I call death, lol.

20 years of timeline already drawn. And though I've complained for the last 20 years about how much my life just shitty sucks, I think I've found a way to appreciate it.

That's optimism at it's best. Seriously.

Day 5 without internet

So I had to go get my teeth checked today. The dentist said everything is healing the way it should be… which is always nice to know. Then I went with my mom to take my 104-year-old grandpa to the doctor to see why he isn’t eating as much. Pffft. Doesn’t take a genius to know that old people eventually lose their appetite but I guess, just for my mom’s peace of mind, I don’t mind getting a professional’s opinion. Then afterwards we went to a pharmacy to pick up stuff. This is the ring my aunt bought that I absolutely love. The phone-quality pictures does it no justice. IT’S SERIOUSLY SO GORGEOUS!!! I don’t like rings but this one is so beautiful! But I wasn’t shameless enough to ask her for it, lol, but I think if I showed her that I really liked it, she would’ve given it to me. LOL. Yeah, my aunt is rich like that, handing out diamond rings aren’t a problem for her, *rolls eyes*. Then we headed out to have dim sum at like 12! I usually don’t like have dim sum too late into the day because it’s so busy… and the service is slow. I took a picture of the mango pudding… I don’t know how they made the fish craving. And with the rice… is frog legs!!! FROG LEGS!!! Obviously I haven’t seen enough of the world to eat frog legs but my mom tells me she’s had it plenty of times and it’s a very common food item. It’s not like something “special”.