There are no more emergency exits, no more u-turns, no more helicopter rescues. I've used up all my lifelines, my health meter is beeping red and I can no longer call a friend. I have reached a dead end. What am I going to do? How am I going to pull this one off? How am I going to write this to have a happy ending?
It's now or never. No more second chances. No more redos. This is it. I have reached the very dead end. I mean the absolute dead end. If I can't find a way out soon, I'm going die. Well, maybe not die but everything will end pretty tragically. Tragically. Yes, tragically, a word that I don't use often but in this case it is very appropriate.
I don't have a plan! I don't have a backup plan! I don't have anything to work with right now. I'm just going to charge forward and wing it??? That's never worked out all that well for me but I don't know what else I can do right now. And I have no one to turn to right now because it's my own battle, it's a fight that I have to win myself. I have a feeling if I can get through this, it's going to solve a lot of other problems. But what if I can't solve it? What does it mean? What if I don't get through this? Am I seriously out of the game for good?
I've been having such bad dreams lately, seriously. Not nightmares but bad dreams, just yesterday I had a dream that someone was out to kill my brother and I. The setting was at our old house not our new one. Somehow we got chased up to my bedroom and my brother and I were trapped inside and I was trying to hold the door shut as the killer was banging it open. I told my brother to help me push against it so I can start pushing stuff to the door to you know... put weight on our side so the killer can't open the door so easily. But my brother was SO UNRELIABLE!!! He kept on slacking off, like one point he just walked away from the door and the killer almost opened it and I had to run to like slam the door shut! Okay, I can't describe it but I can still see it in my head very clearly. Point is, I was so upset at that point because 1. We were probably going to die and 2. When we were both FIGHTING for our lives, my brother still could not be someone I can trust and lean on.
I don't think I over-analyze my dreams, in fact, I think it's my dreams that help me realize a lot of my unconscious thoughts. It's not that my brother and I don't like each other but lately, not really lately, a while now, after he's got a new girlfriend I can feel him drifting away from everyone in the family. Back then, he was ALREADY in a rebellious stage where spending time with family was not exactly something on his to-do list. And now it's EVEN WORST. Does this happen to everyone who gets into a relationship? The moment you find a girl/boyfriend, you immediately forget about everyone else and all you care about is the other person? He/she is the ONLY thing on your mind? Is that the way it really is????? Because if that's the case, I hope I don't fall in love. Geez. I hate how his entire world just revolves around her and no one else matters. There are OTHER people in your life who still take care of you, feed you, and watch over you, you absolutely have no right to just be such a jerk to everyone but your ONE girlfriend, WHO PROBABLY still can't do shit for you except say the useless words "I love you". Why is it that once people find a partner, they can just throw away everything? Like in movies, people go, "Let's just leave EVERYTHING BEHIND AND RUN AWAY." Isn't that so selfish? Yes you love this person and yes this person loves you, but so do the other 10 people you were planning to leave behind. Besides, usually the person you fall in love with is someone you've just known in recent years, whereas your family and your friends, you've known them for so much longer. You've had so much more history with all the people you're planning to leave behind. Those people were THERE FOR YOU when your freaking girl/boyfriend wasn't! So how do people prioritize all this?
Of course, I'm saying this based on absolutely no experience. I hope I don't become a hypocrite and end up running off with my boyfriend and marrying him in some small island. I can't see that happening just because I love my parents too much to just leave them for anyone but I can't seem to understand the other side right now. Or maybe unconsciously I'm just cranky that I don't have a boyfriend I'm just being sour grapes at the moment.
Ugh. How did I get so sidetracked?! Back to the point. I have to save myself right now.
